AIBU and is this normal in LTR

[Toydog]

Ok so I’m hoping people can tell me AIBU and what does this say about our relationship
We have been married for 20years . My h has always been a stoic type , puts a lot into his work ( own business ) has some trouble understanding why people become emotional about things . Say for example n a tv drama it’s quite common for him to say ‘ people don’t behave like that ‘ or ‘ ‘how ridiculous , the way they are carrying on’ . I’m not referring to those necessarily ott scenes either , these can be breakups , tragedies etc where I think the reactions display represent the wide range of human responses . We’ve discussed these at times and he’s just disagreed. Fair enough
In our relationship however this same attitude has called issues . For example someone may have said something over the years that I was upset by and he will tell me point blank ‘no they did or you just took it wrong ‘
I’ve told him do not negate my feelings but I’m careful about sharing thingst bother me lately as all these past years of experience has shown me he either won’t get it or he will think my ‘feelings ‘ are just ridiculous.
Anyway I’ve been having some heart issues , once earlier this year where I was hospitalised for five days and then last week the issue arose again and was causing me lots of problems he was present and saw so I had a dr appt today which he knew about
He comes gone from work and our conversation goes like this
We greet one another and the dog is hyper happy to see hi and I say she’s excited cause she’s been gone alone
H ‘’where were you today ?
Me ‘ I had my dr appt remember
Him ‘ starts talking to dog and talking to other family member ‘
Looks at me , And says ‘ what happened at dr ?
I go to answer and he starts talking to the dog and then says he needs to return a work call
No answer was given , he didn’t seem to even notice it ‘

In the past I have always just pushed the info into him not giving him the chance to show his lack of concern but I’m just so over carrying everything
I honestly think he is an emotionally void and in the least doesn’t care for me let alone love me
Please no suggestions of counselling , we went down that route years ago and it obviously hasn’t changed anything
I feel like having someone in my life who doesn’t care is more damaging than just leaving

Oh OP you are certainly not being unreasonable at all. You must feel very low and unsupported in regards to your health issues Iso very sorry that you are going through such a difficult time, and I hope it improves soon for you.

Your husband sounds like a shit to be honest. He seems to just tolerate that you're there from what you have described. All the added stress, and worry on top of your health issues isn't helping ( I bet he doesn't help out around the house either?)

You seem to have invested an awful lot of years into your relationship, and have come up a very low interest rate from your husband.

Do you want to stay in your marriage?

If you've gone down the route of counseling etc, and nothing has improved, it doesn't look like it's ever going to. I'd Seriously be considering other avenues if I were you. If he seems to pay the dog more attention than you, it pretty much sums up where you sit in his list of priorities.

Is leaving him an option you'd consider? He'd soon start paying you attention when you start putting together a divorce package with a good Solicitor!

I hope you manage to sort your health issues with your GP. Take care x

Is there a possibility he could be ASD? This screams spectrum to me. I hope your heart stuff is OK

I do think he’s correct re the tv dramas, often contrived exaggerated behaviour in them. But it would be normal that a caring long term partner would not express interest in a partner’s doctor’s appointment when their partner has heart problems.

If you don’t think counselling helps then it’s pretty much either just accept that you are two people who live together for convenience but not for emotional connection or love etc. Or decide the one life you have is wasted living like this and leave him.

Personally, I’d leave, and I did. The kind of relationship that is at best nothing more than tolerating each other, is worse than going it solo.

*sorry auto correct gone mad
Normal that a caring long term partner WOULD express interest etc

My dh is very much like yours. I call it a Protestant work ethic. Very little tolerance for any medical issue beyond a broken bone, zero concept or understanding or tolerance for mental health conditions.
His interest would be, what needs to be fixed and how to go about achieving this.
Not sure it’s a long term thing vs personality type.

Thanks everyone yes i appreciate the input . I don’t have anyone to talk to about it
I am considering leaving very much so . I should add that I used the tv drama thing as an example but he’d do the same if it were a documentary where someone suffered a terrible loss or even in real life. Pretty my anything he considers not a ‘rational pragmatic response ‘. He does show empathy for his family ie siblings and extended family when they are going through stuff . So the ability seems to be there when he takes the time I guess . He is extremely successful in business and seems to make great connections with clients I’m not sure about the ASD.
At this point I’m just feel completely defeated and like has been said here , I’m wasting my life with someone who barely cares about my existence

@fallfallfall

My dh is very much like yours. I call it a Protestant work ethic. Very little tolerance for any medical issue beyond a broken bone, zero concept or understanding or tolerance for mental health conditions. His interest would be, what needs to be fixed and how to go about achieving this. Not sure it’s a long term thing vs personality type.

You have describe my h to a tee !

How do you cope with it if you don’t mind me asking

@BabyRace

Is there a possibility he could be ASD? This screams spectrum to me. I hope your heart stuff is OK

If that screams ASD to you then I would suggest you go do some research

It’s just the way he is, and I get on with it.
My mother wasn’t prone to mollycoddling either.
He’s very practical though, got me an awesome walker when I broke both legs. Fed me well :), because he could understand a broken bone. 6 weeks fully healed etc.
I don’t think he’d cope well if I had a chronic issue. I could hear him say that he “doesn’t want to hear about it”.

I’m not surprised that upset you, but if this is the way he is then i’m not sure if there is much you
can do to change the situation. If he can show empathy to his family but not to you (who is also his family) that isn’t a good sign and makes it seem more like a choice, whatever his reasons are for being like this with you. Is he considerate in other ways towards you?

I can understand you not wanting to live like that and really, it’s insulting you are in the position of either having to shut your mouth about things that are negative for you or just expect no empathy and real concern about your well-being. In my view, it’s not something you should have to ask someone to show in a marriage, it should just be there and mutual.

@fallfallfall

It’s just the way he is, and I get on with it. My mother wasn’t prone to mollycoddling either. He’s very practical though, got me an awesome walker when I broke both legs. Fed me well :), because he could understand a broken bone. 6 weeks fully healed etc. I don’t think he’d cope well if I had a chronic issue. I could hear him say that he “doesn’t want to hear about it”.

Yes he doesn’t say he doesn’t say he doesn’t want to hear about it he just doesn’t lol I come from a family of no mollycoddling too so am pretty self reliant but I am really starting to question whether I’m prepared to live with someone who doesn’t have any empathy especially when something hard like this comes up

@LastGirlSanding

I’m not surprised that upset you, but if this is the way he is then i’m not sure if there is much you can do to change the situation. If he can show empathy to his family but not to you (who is also his family) that isn’t a good sign and makes it seem more like a choice, whatever his reasons are for being like this with you. Is he considerate in other ways towards you?

I can understand you not wanting to live like that and really, it’s insulting you are in the position of either having to shut your mouth about things that are negative for you or just expect no empathy and real concern about your well-being. In my view, it’s not something you should have to ask someone to show in a marriage, it should just be there and mutual.

Yes that’s what I’m really feeling He is considerate in ways I guess like he will make coffee some mornings and helps with chores

someone may have said something over the years that I was upset by and he will tell me point blank ‘no they did or you just took it wrong
My exh of 20 years used to do this, the subtext being that I was a cow for accusing the other person of being hurtful. It made me feel like a cow, too.
This was years ago. After we broke up I had some psychotherapy, and over the years I've mentioned some of the situations in conversation and come to the conclusion that actually I wasn't being a cow. He was just unable to cope with any kind of conflict and everything had to be happy, happy. happy all the time - his parents were similar.

Now with a guy who can tell if I'm upset before I even work it out myself, and is totally understanding about it. Instead of seeing me as a cow, he teases me for being too nice.

Not having that constant background of disapproval really brightens your life.

Google alexithymia, it means inability to determine emotions both in oneself and others. The emotions are there, they just can’t recognise them.

God that’s awful OP, I hope you’re health is now ok and under control?

I don’t think I could be with someone who showed me no care, love or support. I mean, isn’t that one of the main points to having a partner?! It must make you feel so lonely and rejected. You mentioned therapy so I assume he knows this is an issue and has done nothing to change?

@BrendaBubbles

Google alexithymia, it means inability to determine emotions both in oneself and others. The emotions are there, they just can’t recognise them.

Google dickhead, the most common issue men suffer from.

In all seriousness, if he had some condition like that, he wouldn’t show his own family empathy would he?

These types are all fine and dandy when we're young and resilient - but as couples age they get chronic health issues and need more handholding and it can become a massive problem.

We've all known people who weren't supported that well through cancer etc. My aunt still had to have dinner on the table the entire time going through chemo and he still went to the pub every night. When she died he seemed flabbergasted, and apparently was regretful he hadn't seen how bad it was. But that was the thing, he just HADN'T SEEN. How someone can know someone has a syringe driver and still not "see" how bad it is is anyone's guess but there you go. He wasn't a bad man, he was quite benign really, but she deserved better. She deserved that her husband was also her friend.

And if you do turn out to have a chronic heart condition, you'll get no sympathy either OP. And even if these things can be managed with medication, anyone with chronic illness will have to live with flare ups or the caution associated with avoiding flare ups and it is stressful. Handholding is occasionally needed. You're just not going to get it.

Some women accept it, and turn to their female friends for emotional support. But I imagine things are fairly stilted in the home. Depends on what you can endure, really.

It boils down to this : what kind of a friend do you need your husband to be to you?

Elspeth is right, and the sad thing is that when you're in that position, it's not a great time to be leaving your partner or finding someone more supportive.
My PILs, as mentioned, did not discuss sad things as a family. My MIL was dying of cancer - she had a bed in the living room as could not go up the stairs - and it was just not mentioned. In her case, she was the person who was the most unwilling to talk about sad things, so maybe that was how she liked it; I have no idea tbh as there was no emotional openness. But from their behaviour it was clearly hard on her children.

@ElspethFlashman, yes you’ve expressed it well especially the female friends part.