Was this abuse or am I being sensitive?

[carebear20]

Hi everyone

Sorry for the odd question- this is something that has bothered me for many years. I am struggling to get closure from this as I just want clarification as to whether or not I am being sensitive/overreacting or if there is something further to this. The events that happened to me are often on my mind as I am so confused by what happened.

Many years ago I was in a very toxic, emotionally abusive relationship with an ex partner. I won't go into too much detail but he was so highly emotionally abusing that resulted in me having to get help from a professional. I am now in a very happy, respectful marriage but this event is something I am struggling to process and get past. I haven't told anybody about these events that happened - not even my therapist.

My ex was never physically abusive - it was solely extreme emotional abuse. During the relationship with my ex partner, I would often wake up to discover him under the covers in bed 'inspecting' and trying to 'do things' to me. One of the times this happened I pretended to be asleep to see if he would do it - he did. I remember lying there silently crying wondering what this was about. I did question him on it and he denied it and said he was just sleeping under the covers (and halfway down the bed?!)
I also recall the first time we had sex he was extremely forceful and I didn't really get much of a choice. I understand how bad this sounds, however we were both young (late teens). Could this be down to teen angst rather than anything more abusive? Has anybody else suffered from any similar situations?

The main reason I am asking this now is that I recently had my smear test in which I reacted very strongly which resulted in the nurse asking if everything was ok at home. It was only then that I realised during the smear all I had in my head were these memories which presumably triggered the reaction rather than the nurse doing her job.

Please can somebody offer any advise or give me their thoughts - I just want closure.

Thank you x

(Reposted from aibu thread due to no response)

I am very sorry this happened to you.

Your ex was physically abusive as he didn't gain your consent. Then lied about it.

I'm really sorry. I think it might help you to talk to your therapist about it or look at some counselling.

You did nothing wrong here. Remember that.

He abused your trust.

Sending you hugs op.

Sounds a bit more than emotional abuse, I’m sorry. Sounds like your body was reacting to that previous trauma when you had the smear test

I would often wake up to discover him under the covers in bed 'inspecting' and trying to 'do things' to me. One of the times this happened I pretended to be asleep to see if he would do it - he did. I remember lying there silently crying wondering what this was about. I did question him on it and he denied it and said he was just sleeping under the covers (and halfway down the bed?!)

Yes, this was sexual abuse. You know what happened was wrong and you don't need anyone's permission to acknowledge it. You are not being sensitive at all.

I also recall the first time we had sex he was extremely forceful and I didn't really get much of a choice. I understand how bad this sounds, however we were both young (late teens). Could this be down to teen angst rather than anything more abusive?

This was also abusive. Teen angst does not excuse violent sexual behaviour, plus consent is supposed to be enthusiastically given, so the fact that he wasn't checking in with you and didn't care whether you were enjoying it or not makes it abusive.

Thank you everyone for your replies - they are as I expected to be honest.

I wish I'd spoken about this sooner as it is something that has never really left me but I couldn't decide if I was just being a bit sensitive.
It does comfort me knowing that others agree with me that this wasn't right, I just wish at the time I'd acted upon this and not put up with it for so long. X

Don't blame yourself for the way you handled it OP, when something traumatic happens to us our brains often diminish/reduce or forget it entirely as a self-protection mechanism. You reacted the way you needed to react at the time. X