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Original poster

Advice Dating someone with a child

26 replies

Newmefreshstart · 20/09/2021 19:23

Just looking for a bit of advice. Recently started dating a lovely guy. He’s mid 30s and I’m late 20s.
But he has a 4 year old son from a previous relationship, I currently don’t have any kids but do want them in the future.
He only sees his son once a week and currently doesn’t have him to sleep just during the day. He does travel quite a lot at the min for work so I understand why he can’t have him very often and obviously the boys mum has to have a say too

What im really asking is for advice as im sure many of you are in or have been in similar situations. Anything I need to prepare myself for? I am used to children and have some in the family but potentially becoming a step mum all seems a little daunting. And no we haven’t been together long but have discussed future/ eventually meeting him etc.

OP posts:
RamonaLark · 20/09/2021 20:36

I am 32, have two children and am divorced. Personally, if I were childfree in my 20s I would likely choose one of the men without children. I would understand any childfree man not wanting to date me.

If I were to date someone with children, to be my sort of person they would either need to be parenting their child 50% of the time or have very good (and true) rationale as to why not. I would not have children with someone who was only seeing their child in the daytime once a week, to me that is not the sort of father I’d like to give my children.

Itsbeen84yearss · 20/09/2021 20:37

Just don’t date him. In your twenties with no child yourself there’s enough men to choose from

BlueMoons90 · 20/09/2021 20:50

@RamonaLark

I am 32, have two children and am divorced. Personally, if I were childfree in my 20s I would likely choose one of the men without children. I would understand any childfree man not wanting to date me.

If I were to date someone with children, to be my sort of person they would either need to be parenting their child 50% of the time or have very good (and true) rationale as to why not. I would not have children with someone who was only seeing their child in the daytime once a week, to me that is not the sort of father I’d like to give my children.

Very good advice
psbradio2 · 20/09/2021 20:53

I agree once a week is not enough. Showing you what a crap part time father he is.

Unanananana · 20/09/2021 20:56

He doesn't sound like he sees his child that much. Never has them overnight? Why is that (work is not an excuse, loads of parents work)? Does he have time to spend nights with you?

Does he pay fair maintenance for his child? How is his relationship with his son's mother? Does he put her down to you or is he fair?

Do you see things long term with him? Do you want children in the future?

Its a lot of questions, but at your age, I wouldn't be getting involved with someone like this. Its a fair representation of how he will treat any potential children of the future. I wouldn't want such a hands off father.

TheChip · 20/09/2021 20:56

Doesn't seem like a good enough reason to only have his son for that short period of time. The majority of parents work and are still able to have decent time with their children.
Not someone I'd be looking at as a potential future father of my future child personally

seensome · 20/09/2021 20:57

Depends on why they split but I can't help but look negatively on men that have left a very young family and that he only sees him for once a week during the day, it's make you wonder if they would stick around if you had a child together..

Original poster
Newmefreshstart · 20/09/2021 21:12

Thanks, lots to think about. I think if I was older or had kids myself it wouldn’t be an issue but it’s just not a situation I’m use to.

I am concerned how little he sees him, it makes me think he’s not bothered about being in his life that much etc. Crap dad in the future to joint kids perhaps?
But sons mum has restricted access especially with Covid and he often has 3 or 4 nights away in different cities for work or different
Locations last minute. So I understand it is difficult to get a more regular routine.
Yes he does pay child maintenance every month and buys thinks for the child.

He does find time to spend with me and is often the one to plan and organise the next date which is refreshing. Right now other than the child issue he is perfect so do see it going long term and I’ve told him very clearly that I do want kids of my own one day

OP posts:
Unanananana · 20/09/2021 21:14

So he spends nights with you, but doesn't have his child overnight?

Crap dad in the future to joint kids perhaps?

Yes. It sounds like he will be. But if you think he is 'perfect' then this will seem minor right now. Until you and your child/ren are on the receiving end of his indifference.

PumpkinKlNG · 20/09/2021 21:14

My advice on dating someone with a child? Don’t! And I say that as someone with children, your child free, don’t choose to get involved with a man that has a child.

TheChip · 20/09/2021 21:16

If he can find time to spend with you, and even organise the next date, then his working away for 3 to 4 nights a week is a shit excuse to not see his child more.

leopardandspots · 20/09/2021 21:33

@TheChip

If he can find time to spend with you, and even organise the next date, then his working away for 3 to 4 nights a week is a shit excuse to not see his child more.
Yes to lots of the comments above. There are red flags here. He's not overly bothered about his child. If anyone else's experience helps. I was stupid. I married a man who was divorced from the mother of his three children. I was wary as he'd left when the youngest was two. He told me he had worked full time, and did everything around the house. He said his wife was depressive and he'd have to come home and clean etc. I felt sorry for him. The reality that I now see is that he resented the work involved in three children, he was very comfortable only seeing the children once a fortnight. He resented the house not being a show home and despised the toys and chaos of family life. We are now divorcing and guess what? He is currently trying to reduce his four day per month contact with our youngest to two days per month.
BoreiPuriHagafen · 20/09/2021 21:38

You have choices here. Use them. Find a man without kids, not one who has baggage and has already proved himself to be a shit father.

jimmyjammy001 · 20/09/2021 22:25

As everyone else has said, just find someone without children, otherwise prepare to alter your child free lifestyle to suit theirs, you currently have no restrictions tieing you down and can do what ever you want when ever you want, planning stuff when children are involved is just to much hassle in a relationship, one day they will be staying around and may irritate you or you don't like your partners parenting style, tough luck you just have to accept it as they're not your child.
If you want to go on a day out, or holiday and they've got childcare restrictions then I'm sorry you won't be going.
Then there's usually dramas with the Ex etc
I'd he can make time to see you but not his kids then the alarm bells should allready be ringing, he's allready prioritising you over his own kids

Viddy2021 · 20/09/2021 22:29

I agree with previous posters. Covid is hardly a reason to see your child less. And the fact that he has you overnight but not his son is strange. Unless the mother doesn't want him having too much time with the little one, which begs the question: 'why'?

Ginger1982 · 20/09/2021 22:31

Nope. Find someone childfree.

Ohshittt · 20/09/2021 22:35

As a stepmum (to a lovely child who I get on with with) I would say absolutely don't bother. Wait till drama starts with the Ex. If I could go back I wouldn't choose this life now. Love my husband and step child is lovely but it's hard bloody work!

HomicidalPsychoJungleCat · 20/09/2021 22:39

If hes spending nights with you but not seeing his own child more than once a week then something isnt ok.

HomicidalPsychoJungleCat · 20/09/2021 22:41

He should absolutely be prioritising her, not a new relationship. On this basis alone I’d walk. Away. One day she’ll grow uo and resent his lack of presence.

WoodyBrambles · 20/09/2021 23:02

My ex has our child for this amount of time and in honesty he’s a terrible father. He’s never prioritised our daughter and it’s not possible to be a proper parent in just a couple of hours once a week. OP unfortunately I do think that this is a red flag in regards to him being a good father to your children in the future.

LtdEdition · 20/09/2021 23:25

I believed my first husband about how much he wanted to spend time with his son, but…insert all the tried and true excuses here. I married him. I had DD with him. Guess what? He was the same kind of father to her as he was to his child; totally uninterested and useless. But he talked a good story.

This man is showing you what kind of a parent he would be to your future children. Don’t do this to them.

KillerAntAmbush · 20/09/2021 23:30

Don’t date him. And read the stepparent boards to find out why. Dump and find someone less complicated with less baggage.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 21/09/2021 00:47

Unfortunately this doesn't sound like a good relationship to get into. He doesn't see his small child enough already but is making time for a relationship with you. It seems like he talks to you about his child more than he actually talks to his child. So you know that if you had children with him and it didn't work out that your kids might only get to see their dad in the day on one day a week. Could be even less because he'd still have the first son to see. Then if he hasn't tried to find another job already so he can be with his son more how likely is he to find one if you get together, because do you really want to be on your own most of the week with him away? Then you need to think about the idea that most step parents don't seem to think of.... how you'd feel about the DSC moving in with you full time. Because this could easily happen if something happened to his mum or more likely if he just wanted to try out his dads house when hes a teenager and his mum tells him what to do.

Graphista · 21/09/2021 01:29

But sons mum has restricted access

According to him? Very much doubt you're getting an honest and unbiased tale there

Yes he does pay child maintenance every month and buys thinks for the child

Again according to him? Doubt you've seen evidence of this

Aquamarine1029 · 21/09/2021 01:52

Do yourself the biggest favour of your life and dump him. You're so young, you want your own children, so why on earth would you settle for a man with baggage and who's a shit father? Madness.

You have your whole life ahead of you. Don't settle.