How do you stop an ex bringing out your rage?

[Sundaynightnamechange]

It’s the way he speaks to me even in a text is so condescending how do I stop myself getting the rage?

stop texting him?

If you have to communicate with him at least grey rock him so he doesn't know he's pushing your buttons.

I can’t stop communicating we have DC.

I try to grey rock but honestly there’s only so much I can take.

Just don't reply to anything apart from messages regarding the practicalities of the children. Never let him in your home, never meet him for anything more than 5 minutes to drop off the kids. Block him on everything bar a burner phone. And only check that phone once per day, apart from says he has the kids.

I agree grey rock doesn't work as a long term tactic. Just dont put yourself around this person at all.

*days

Someone else on Mumsnet once suggested just doing a thumbs up emoji in reply to every text. I love that suggestion as I know I would hate to be the recipient of that.

I was going to suggest the thumbs up emoji too 🤣

If you don't agree just a "no"

I definitely need to mute him, 7 messages on the bounce put my heckles up before I even read them.

I do use a lot of thumbs up, but still have the thoughts of what I would love to actually reply with. Argh can’t wait until my children are adults and I don’t have to hear from him anymore!

Call him Mr every time you contact him. Keep it really formal - they hate that. Only use email and never reply straight away unless it's an emergency.some of them thrive on having control. Take it away from him.

Try and use as few words as possible in your reply. Make it a competition with yourself to spend the least amount of effort on him as possible. If his message/email doesn't need a response as it is more of a statement/comment then just don't reply.

I had years of this and I wish I'd got tougher with him sooner. He's doing it to get a reaction from you and whilst you're reacting, he will continue to push your buttons. As others have said, only respond to whatever is absolutely necessary eg arrangements for the kids.

Happy to say I don't have to ever contact my ex now as my daughter is 18 and he BLOODY HATES IT! Your time will come.

Grey rock is good. It will wind him up no end if you just pick out the bits you need to respond to and ignore the rest

It also sounds like you need some boundaries in place. I would suggest email contact only and he only texts / calls for emergencies

How about just not replying? Tbh if its obvious it's some drama before you even open the messages, don't even read them.

You're cutting off your nose to spite your face by sending any reply.

I wouldn't expect to reply to more than 2 messages per week. Eg: the when can you pick the kids up/When will the kids arrive texts.

The fact is op, you're forming your own chains.
You need to set boundaries for YOURSELF.

Are you familiar with that "narc decoder" book, OP? It doesn't necessarily work so well for texts, but I found with the long, irritating self-absorbed emails from my ex, that it helped massively if I sat down and re-wrote his email as if it had been run through the narc decoder machine. Then I could have a good laugh and reply to his email really neutrally.

I need to practice it for texts.

I like the thumbs up idea, you can always imagine you are jamming your thumb in their eye.

No I haven’t heard of that book @CousinKrispy sounds interesting.

He’s sent me a message to say he’s done no homework with DC dispute having them all weekend and could I do it tonight - I’m ignoring that one.

I used to play my own game with my ex, I had to use the least amount of words and letters per text, extra 10 points if I could answer with an emoji. The bonus was it used to piss my ex off something rotten he type 'war and peace' designed to annoy the shit out of me, and I'd respond with 'k' or even better a 👍

Id read the text, and unless there was actually a direct question about our dc, id not respond. Or he'd get a'k'

He’s sent me a message to say he’s done no homework with DC dispute having them all weekend and could I do it tonight - I’m ignoring that one

I'd respond to that text with either a 👍, or I think 'k' would annoy him more... he's a lazy twat for not doing the homework but you ranting at him will only please him and piss you off, neither of which will encourage him to do the homework next time he has them. Chances are he'll never do it anyway so don't give him the satisfaction of biting.

Don't engage
Suggestions above are good