Mismatching sex drives

[fedup0]

I've been married for 7 years (together 13) and DH has always had a lower sex drive than me. He has always been not very affectionate as well. Not in a horrible way he just isn't touchy feely. I'm the opposite and like a lot of affection. Over the years I've become a lot less affectionate because I know he doesn't really enjoy it and likes his own space. I've also had to accept less sex than Id like because he doesn't seem to need it that often.

We have two children 5 & 2. Since we've had kids sex is once a month, twice if we are lucky. I am always the one to initiate it. I often initiate and he will reject any advances. This and along with the lack of affection is making me feel quite alone, unattractive and frustrated. I have in the last year lost a fair bit of weight and found 'myself / who I was before kids' with regards to dressing for myself and getting hair done etc. I feel like he doesn't fancy me, he never compliments me and it's affecting my self esteem and happiness.

If we had affection I could overlook the lack of sex. Or vice versa. But with both these missing it feels like I just live with a friend who I happen to have children with. He is a quiet reserved man and quite introverted but not lacking in confidence. I've suggested we do date nights (in a bid to have more us time) but nothing ever comes of it. I have also broached this subject about lack of sex / affection with him before and he just doesn't say much, or he will half heartedly be a bit affectionate for one evening and that's it.

I feel so alone and don't want my marriage to end. I'm early 30s and feel confident and sexy in myself for first time in years and feel like these issues are only going to get to worse and I'm not ready to have a sexless marriage or to feel attractive or loved by my husband. I also resent the fact that I've compromised for years to accept less affection and sex and he isn't willing to meet me in the middle or even slightly even when I've told him it's bothering me.

Does anyone have any suggestions? I don't want to leave my marriage. I love him to bits.

My ex was very unaffectionate and not very loving. But he had a high sex drive. So because I didn't feel "loved" outside of sex it made me feel lonely and like we were just FWB. Sorry I have no advice except maybe to talk to him to how you feel. But I always feel that it should be natural to be affectionate and loving with your partner. if you have to ask them to be that way they are only doing it for you and not because they want to. But i know i'm in the minority for feeling that way about it.

I think you have 2 options:

1. Couples counselling to see if this can be worked through.
2. Leave and try to co-parent on amicable terms. Then when you’re ready, find someone more compatible.

You can’t force someone to be something they aren’t. I think your mistake was accepting this for years (and perhaps naively expecting it to get better).

He won't change OP. You've been together 13 years - this is who he is.

I could have written that myself OP. I know exactly how you're feeling. It's difficult not to resent them after a while. And then you start not wanting to do the things for them that they like and then it's basically over. Sex and affection are so I portent in a relationship. Without them, you're just housemates.
I don't really think there's anything you can do to get more out of him, it's just who he is.

He won't change but I've changed for him and compromised for years. I just want to be met in the middle. But as pp said, if it's forced that's also not great and I wouldn't want that. I guess I just want more effort.

Your husband will never, ever be the man you want and need him to be. He will never meet you in the middle because he can't be arsed to. He knows exactly how you feel and he still can't be bothered to work with you to improve the marriage. He just doesn't care. The way things are works for him, he couldn't care less about what you need.

This is a man you want to spend your life with? How utterly soul destroying.

This topic is the opposite of one I see here all the time (DH wants more sex, poster doesn’t want to) but my advice is the same. Unlike there’s a dynamic that’s causing one person to withhold sex they actually want (like resentment over responsibilities etc) then there’s not much you can do about it and the high libido partner needs to make a decision whether to adapt/put up with it, find sex elsewhere (with or without permission), or leave.

I have spoken to him today about it. He is feeling under a lot of pressure with work and admitted he doesn't show me he loves me enough.

It is soul destroying but I do love him and we have a lot of history, we've been through a lot together. I'm trying to make this work. I said to him about ending things today but he doesn't want that (and thing neither do I). I will watch this space. I just want to feel thought about, appreciated, attractive, loved, like I'm in a romantic couple. I guess responsibilities and children have completely dulled that for us.

Worth trying relationship counselling?

It's not a question of "forcing" it - it's a question of having him understand what it means to you and how lack of intimacy is damaging your relationship. Him making that bit of effort to be open to affection/even initiate it sometimes - it could save your relationship in the long term.

If no change happens when you talk about it between you, the mediation and seriousness of bringing in a counsellor may give him the kick he needs.

I have spoken to him today about it. He is feeling under a lot of pressure with work and admitted he doesn't show me he loves me enough.

So another excuse then? How many of these are you willing to swallow?

Esther Perel?

The sad reality is that it won't change. It might change for a week, or a month, but in all probability you'll end up there.

My DSis was in a similar situation (reversed). Her ex-DH, who we're all very close to still, is now very happily remarried for several years. DSis has been through a few partners, but nothing is working out. Maybe it's harder for a woman to find a partner that doesn't really want sex in 30s/40s? Hopefully she'll find someone, because she so missing being part of a family/couple.