How do I change my 'mind-set'

[Pishybreeks]

Not sure if mind-set is the right phrase. I have posted before about H with loads of name changes. When things are good they are very good, he is a loving hands on father, he is genuinely kind and thoughtful to friends and neighbours. But when he drinks he can be awful. He drinks every night and maybe 2 - 3 times a week during the day too. I won't go into what he does and says as I know I will be told to leave/ducks in a row etc. Financially we are really struggling so the practicalities of leaving will be difficult, but it's not that that's stops me. I often fantasise about him leaving or me and our 2 dc moving on and out. I have even shamefully fantasised about him dying and taking the decision out of my hands. And then feel guilty and evil for days. Even with all this I just know I won't do anything about it. I know me and dc are worth more than this and deserve more than this. In reality despite daydreams I just can't do anything about it. I know it's the best thing to do. But I can't get my head around actually doing something about ending the marriage. Why can't I do it? What is wrong with me?

What is wrong with you is that you think there's something wrong with you.

Knowing you deserve better isn't the same as feeling it. It's a self esteem thing. Make your life without him (ie the way you treat yourself) a life of utter respect. Then when he's disrespectful, you'll really notice the disparity, and it will be so unfavourable that you'll walk away. Currently, with a 'Probably there's something wrong with me' head on, if he treats you poorly, it's kind of similar to how you think of yourself, so it feels like it kind of fits you. You think 'I'm not all that great, I'm a bit faulty', and he says 'OK, I'll treat you with disrespect, then.'

Even with all this I just know I won't do anything about it

Why can't you do it? Because you tell yourself you won't so then you choose not to act.

Change the narrative in your head. It is totally within your control.

You poor thing, if you're actually wishing him dead, you know you need to go.

There isn’t anything wrong with you. His behaviour has created a massive complicated problem. I’d say wishing he is dead is fairly practical, albeit dark!

Do it for your children if not for yourself, OP. It's very damaging for them to grow up around an alcoholic dad.

Maybe it’s not a mindset, maybe it is just that the practicalities of the situation are a bit overwhelming? Hence the fantasies about him leaving/dying - as administratively that would be a lot simpler.

I suggest that you do start getting your ducks in a row - finances, childcare, accommodation, benefits etc. Once you’ve got that side a bit more organised then actually L-ingTB will be the easy bit! Best of luck xx

Are you struggling financially because of the amount he drinks? Alcohol can be expensive if drunk regularly.

Maybe you're just not ready to leave yet? Maybe things aren't quite bad enough yet?
Maybe the good times currently outweigh the bad?
Maybe you think kids do better with 2 parents together even if one is an alcoholic?