Friendship advice

[stripetop]

I was wondering if anyone could offer me some guidance please. Name changed.

I'm in my forties, baby and toddler. Very isolated.

I have a very good, twenty year plus friend. We have been through a huge amount together, like a sister.

I couldn't have children, until Dd arrived after twenty years married. She had three. We lived next door, I saw her daily, weekly at worst. Babysat, helped out etc etc..

Since I had dd1 I have seen her less and less, not for want of trying. A few things have happened recently and I've tired to raise things calmly, just been dismissed.

I got things wrong on Friday. Our husbands work together, there was something I was doing for the business, she ignored my request and did it her own way, messing up what I had already done.

I told her I was hurt, and it was just another example of her dismissing me and that I felt she was being hurtful and trying to cut me out. I shouldn't have blown up over something so minor but I did. I said I had loved and supported her for years and it feels like now I need help, she is not interested.

She told me to fuck off and has blocked me. I did try to apologise and she said she didn't want to talk to me after what I had said.

I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. Dh is sad as it looks like a twenty year business will now end etc.

The bit I don't get, and would like some different thoughts on, is why would someone react like that. If a friend or good friend said to me, you are making me feel really unwelcome and left out, what have I done? I would be apologising and explaining if there was an issue, reassuring them if there was not.

I would never respond almost turning it back onto the upset person? I feel like I've been upset for months and I finally speak up and everything is my fault?

There's obviously a lot more to this but tipping point was Friday and I'm at a loss now.

She reacted like that because you were right. You called her on her bad behaviour and she didn't like to one little bit. It sounds as though she quite liked you being the one who did all the giving and being flexible. Now that it is her turn she doesn't like it.

You had a lovely friendship while she called all the shots. Now that she doesn't her true colours have come out.

is why would someone react like that

You will never understand this, because you would never do it. We understand behaviour that's similar to ours, so, do you really want to understand? Do you want to be a person who could say, 'yes, given x, y and z circumstances, that's just what I would have done'?

It's better to drop the 'why??' It can drive you mad. All you need to know is that your boundaries are such that you could never be a friend with somebody who could behave in such a hurtful way.

I'm sorry.

Thank you both for your thoughts.

I've never felt such a sense of loss.

I have recently in my darker moments wondered if I had been used. I'm not useful anymore, so I'm not bothered about. But then I thought I was being unfair.

She has at times over the years been difficult, firey, but I've always, always had her back. I know she did the stupid thing on Friday just out of badness. She's done that sort of thing before to others. Almost like to take control. I should have just quietly sorted it out and said nothing.

Now that you have time to reflect on the 20 years I daresay you will recall many moments where she treated you like shit but you let it go for the sake of the 'friendship'. Are your Dh and hers business partners? Do you and your 'friend' work for them too? That will no doubt be awkward if you both work for them, but if you don't, then let the Dh's carry on. Don't make any more attempts to contact her. Let her fuck off.

She didn't work for them until recently. I took her kids so she could do that. They are all plus 13 now so fine alone.

I've always done the IT type stuff, but in the background. I'm on maternity for now.

Houses next door, life's interlinked. I'm so distraught today I'm frightened to go into the garden.

I want to run away but I have nobody and nowhere to go.

I got ghosted by a really good friend I worked with. She stopped speaking to me one day, and that was it. There was no argument or falling out, everything was fine one day, and then... well, she's never spoken to me since. She'd let doors go in my face at work, brush rudely past my back... unfathomable.

Try to get a habit in your head of answering the 'Why would she do that??' question with 'Because she's crap, and not worthy of my friendship', and don't allow the 'why why why' story to keep playing in your head.

Thank you.

Why why why. I don't think I've slept since Friday.

Just going over and over things.

Part of me keeps saying what did I want? I suppose I wanted her to reassure me and us go back to normal, instead I feel like she slapped me. It's the first time I think I've ever had the courage to speak up for myself and I feel like I never, ever will again.

It's the first time I think I've ever had the courage to speak up for myself and I feel like I never, ever will again

What?? The first time you've spoken up has resulted in a nasty person being eliminated from your life. That's what speaking up is for! Now, once you've had a bit of a breather, any time you spent on her/with her can be used finding a better friend or pastime.

She's a git. This is a good thing. Out with the gits!

You will have courage because despite you feeling like shit now, this episode will make you stronger. You will see that she has been a bitch for years and you've just put up with it. Now that you have stood up to her she has stomped off like a sulking child. Let her go. Stand tall and focus your energies on other friends. Arrange to meet people who may not also be in her circle of friends. If your Dh doesn't stand up for you I'd be giving him what for too. She's caused this rift, not you. You just pointed out what a cow she's been recently and unfortunately she cannot handle that like a mature adult.

Part of me keeps saying what did I want

What nobody wants from a friend is to be told to fuck off, and then to be blocked. It's fully 'high school', and completely unacceptable.

She sounds like a total user.

Sorry OP, you’ll be grieving for what you thought the friendship really was. You’ve don’t nothing wrong at all though. I’d be taking a huge step back form them as a couple. Live your own life (including the garden!!) and move to a neighbourly/polite relationship.

Get out and about to baby/ toddler groups and try and find the right people for this stage of your life.

Is there more back story to this? I can't figure out what made her so angry.

Do not torture yourself with the why and how and why and how.

There is no reason. She's a bitch. She engineered this fall out.

Perhaps your husbands will manage to work past this.

I had similar.
Absolute best friend with woman who had kids. I was the single fee and easy friend and I think that was a role she was comfortable with.
Then I met my husband. She was fine at first, but when we were trying to conceive, and then going through ivf, she started saying I should just leave it as it was clearly stressing me out.
Then one day - only once- I was running late to meet her, and I called to let her know- and she literally never spoke to me again.

And I grieved so much 😢

You must make yourself carry on as though she is just another neighbour, by that I mean go out in the garden, dont peek out of the window before you leave your house but carry on as though you dont know her or you will never be comfortable in your own home again.

It must be very painful OP .

Female friendships ending dramatically can be very painful, speaking from experience.

Her use of profanities at you is pretty awful.

I tried to end a friendship recently with a (slightly volatile) friend and it was difficult to keep it civil - I knew she would be dying to get into some self-pitying or angry response. I am now much more wary and keep my distance from people who are showing some dodgy cards - however by the time you see them you may be "knee deep" in, so I think it is quite tricky. Another friendship ended last year, but she is not so "dramatic" and it ended fairly OK, even though it was still sad.

All you can do is try and eventually move on. Try to think of it as for the best as now you are free of a friendship that was becoming more difficult. It may take a bit of time so give yourself a break. The business aspect may be a problem, but hopefully you will have the support of your DH to help sort that one out.

Thank you all so much. I'm sorry you have experienced this. I feel like a knot in my stomach I'm swallowing down.

I'm just feeding kids but will respond better later to questions.

Managed to go into garden but stayed sitting down and let Dd feed me mud from her play kitchen. She knows something's wrong and is being super clingy

I appreciate all the help. I've never felt so alone. I keep going oh I must tell X this, and then remembering.

Yes of course there is a huge back story, 25 years worth! But not a single row until now.

Things absolutely changed when dd1 was born. Like a PP describes re IVF, mine failed four times, we then lost nine babies, it's been a hard journey. All myself though, I never missed a days work of my own, never asked for help, though maybe with hindsight needed it.

It's got worse since dd2. We meet every Friday, every week she cancels, but not till the day. All very haha, silly me, I forgot. Dd2 christening she had friends round the night before and got very drunk and missed the church, her daughter was godmother. We got back for lunch, just a small gathering and she was life and soul, making out she had been busy getting things ready. As examples.

I don't know really. A lot of water has gone under the bridge. I'm absolutely a pleaser, passive.

I was absolutely out of order in Friday, yes it was annoying but there was no need for me to pour everything out. I've gone over it a million times and it was very, I feel you are pushing me away, nothing personal or specific. Just that I had been there for her through thick and thin and I saw no reason for her behaviour lately, the stupid incident being a classic example of her total disregard for me.

God those examples sound so ridiculous and petty.

Hundreds of this type of thing. Strange set up, living so close.

None of it massive alone, just a build for me I guess.

Oh OP, you need to stop martyring yourself for other people, and find your anger.

It is ridiculous that she has used you and been quite so abusive this time around. Not worthy of your friendship and you should consider it a lucky escape that you finally realised what a user she was, and finally found inner strength to lash out.

She is not a friend, and hasn't been for a long time. You are well rid of her, and instead of mourning her loss, I would be mourning all the wasted time and effort you wasted on her. That you could have invested in other friends or hobbies or just on yourself.

Life is too short and too precious to cling on to bad people and friendships that don't serve you. After the initial shock and upset, you will realise how much freer and easier life is without her. Don't let her bully you or make you feel uncomfortable in your own home. She's the one who should be feeling ashamed of how she's behaved.

You mentioned that you are passive and a pleaser, that is something that needs working on. This has probably always been a one-sided relationship but you haven't noticed. It only becomes apparent when the giver finally sets boundaries. The taker doesn't like the change of dynamics and kicks off in some way. What you must not do is beat yourself up for your perfectly understandable decision to stand up for yourself. It has probably been building up for a long time. Better to stand up for yourself early and as you go in a friendship. You will probably find that it will weed out the users.

I know how you feel. The penny has just dropped that a friend of 26 years is only interested in meeting up with me if I pay the lion share of cost or time or offer her accommodation. Looking back at her behaviour has made me realise that she doesn't add much value to my life and will not be missed. Perhaps when things have calmed down emotionally for you, you may realise the same. Take care of yourself and don't be too hard on yourself. You are absolutely right, a reasonable person would self-examine, not attack.

Based on what you've said, my guess is that she's jealous. Maybe she's always felt a bit superior - knowing you couldn't have kids, while she did. Possibly even had a bit of sub conscious sympathy for you not being able to have kids. Which she's now feeling is a hollow thought. Also, because her kids are almost grown up and I'm guessing she's approaching menopause age. She might be a bit sad knowing her young family years are done, and then having to watch yours just getting going.

Sounds like she is hurting over something

She sounds exactly as previous posters have described ...

a jealous vindictive hag who loved seeing you are the under dog..

you're better off without her that is for sure 🌸