Saying hurtful/tactless things

[Gonnagetgoing]

Sometimes in the past, I've said hurtful/tactless things completely without thinking - or vented my feelings eg on Facebook etc, sometimes saying things which are true/partly true etc but it's not been the correct place or certainly not the right place for me to say these things certainly about other people.

Often, it's because I've been hurt/offended/upset by the other person and I want to make them see my point of view/feelings etc. Also when I was younger I had the reputation of being a bit of a doormat and not standing up for myself and was also bullied at work/school.

I am having counselling (started this month) and will address these issues there but does anyone know what I mean? Is this type of thing common due to social media etc? I've often wondered if I have some sort of condition, ADHD, on the spectrum etc but have had tests done and nothing comes up.

It's great that you've realised what you've done in the past and the effect it's had on other people - similar I guess to the effect the bullying had on you. Are you having counselling for this or for other issues as well?

@Sarahlou63

It's great that you've realised what you've done in the past and the effect it's had on other people - similar I guess to the effect the bullying had on you. Are you having counselling for this or for other issues as well?

It's for this and other issues - mostly anger - which is partly due to menopause I think!

Basically as a child I was shy and although I had a couple of best friends I didn't make friends easily as I was teased about wearing glasses and also couldn't play sport easily due to hand/eye co-ordination. So was a target for bullies. Things improved in high school re making friends etc.

I definitely think that now, if I am 'treated badly', I have tried to lash out rather than try to resolve the issues e.g. with friends.

Were you listened to as a kid? Were your emotions respected and held and taken care of? Did your parents listen to and respect each others feelings?

Can you give an example?

@Gonnagetgoing

Sometimes in the past, I've said hurtful/tactless things completely without thinking - or vented my feelings eg on Facebook etc, sometimes saying things which are true/partly true etc but it's not been the correct place or certainly not the right place for me to say these things certainly about other people.

Often, it's because I've been hurt/offended/upset by the other person and I want to make them see my point of view/feelings etc. Also when I was younger I had the reputation of being a bit of a doormat and not standing up for myself and was also bullied at work/school.

I am having counselling (started this month) and will address these issues there but does anyone know what I mean? Is this type of thing common due to social media etc? I've often wondered if I have some sort of condition, ADHD, on the spectrum etc but have had tests done and nothing comes up.

Often, it's because I've been hurt/offended/upset by the other person and I want to make them see my point of view/feelings etc

If you wanted them to see things from your point of view, I very much doubt you would be saying things that are hurtful. You would be explaining your position thoughtfully. Yes obviously, people remove their filters when they're annoyed, which doesn't mean their position is any less valid but it can land harshly on people who are unprepared for it. However, it depends on exactly how far you're taking this and if you are gratuitous in your response to those people.

Are you sure you actually want those people to see things from your point of view, or it that the lie you tell yourself to make you feel better about your actions? It sounds to me like you could be saying hurtful things in retaliation to someone hurting or upsetting you, and when you respond, you do so with disproportionate aggression, hoping it will wound them so much it will shake them into seeing things from 'your point of view'.

@TheFoundations

Were you listened to as a kid? Were your emotions respected and held and taken care of? Did your parents listen to and respect each others feelings?

Hmmm. Yes but my DB was seriously ill a lot of the time, my DM was a single mother and I had my eye issue so was given e.g. embroidery. I think my DM didn't pay me as much attention as she could have done partly because she had so much to do for us and very little family support from e.g. GPs.

Emotions were sort of respected, held and taken care of but I was accused of being spiteful towards my DB - he teased me a lot etc.

Parents (divorced but had stepfather from approx age 6) did listen to and respect each others feelings but also rowed a lot.

@themuttsnutts

Can you give an example?

ok. Well my DM told me stuff about a close friend of mine who's also a family friend. Family stuff relating to her marriage etc - which broke up due to her affair. I had her and her DC's as FB friends plus another close family friend who is godmother to her DC's.

I stupidly posted something about her family situation in relation to a comment on something similar on FB, I didn't think and didn't think others would see it. Of course the person I hurt was upset, has kind of forgiven me - but it had ripple effects throughout the entire family of hers who don't speak to me now.

That sounds awful doesn't it? I didn't mean to upset her and didn't deliberately post it to upset her (but she thinks I did), I just posted it without thinking.

@EarthSight

Right ok - e.g. a friend of mine - well two - who hurt me by treating me badly in relation to their partners, e.g. abandoning me - well I cut both of them off but not without having a go at them first. It was hard in both situations to explain myself thoughtfully as both weren't listening to me and only really seeing things from their POVs. One did eventually apologise and saw it from my POV but damage had been done to me by then.

Another best friend of mine - we were at a party where my DB fought with another man who'd been annoying me and not leaving me alone. Her friends got involved in beating this man up and he called the police when he went home. Her friends were then investigated and my brother could/should have been investigated too really. She was angry with me about this but I was angry that she was angry with me, if you see what I mean?

I suppose I could respond with disproportionate aggression but not all the time and I don't think so. Maybe I've got so used to trying to put up a 'don't mess with me' front rather than be the doormat I used to be, that I deal with people wrongly and harshly if people do hurt/upset me?

I think you'll find the answer eventually if you dig deep and you're honest with yourself.

Ask yourself - am I being honest with myself here? Do I have conflicting feelings over this? What do I actually want?

Are you stuck in wanting two things but not being able to have both because they are in conflict with each other?

Maybe I've got so used to trying to put up a 'don't mess with me' front rather than be the doormat I used to be, that I deal with people wrongly and harshly if people do hurt/upset me?

You say maybe, but is that what you actually feel but don't want to say that outright for some reason? What would that be?

Ask yourself - do I feel like I have the right to hurt these people because I was hurt? Do I want to continue to present a 'don't mess with me front' because I've suffered enough, and I've earnt the right to do that?

Am I trying to find a way to continue doing this, by medicalising it as ADHD (because then I can't help ot), or looking for past issues to bolster my right to continue behaving this way (background of being bullied).

If you do feel any of those things deep down, you need to accept that two of your wants are in conflict - the want to continue as you are because of xyz reason, and the want to engage with others in a way that you find acceptable and that others find more socially acceptable. There will be a price to pay, and that price is you will have to start inhibiting your actions.

@EarthSight

I think you'll find the answer eventually if you dig deep and you're honest with yourself.

Ask yourself - am I being honest with myself here? Do I have conflicting feelings over this? What do I actually want?

Are you stuck in wanting two things but not being able to have both because they are in conflict with each other?

Maybe I've got so used to trying to put up a 'don't mess with me' front rather than be the doormat I used to be, that I deal with people wrongly and harshly if people do hurt/upset me?

You say maybe, but is that what you actually feel but don't want to say that outright for some reason? What would that be?

Ask yourself - do I feel like I have the right to hurt these people because I was hurt? Do I want to continue to present a 'don't mess with me front' because I've suffered enough, and I've earnt the right to do that?

Am I trying to find a way to continue doing this, by medicalising it as ADHD (because then I can't help ot), or looking for past issues to bolster my right to continue behaving this way (background of being bullied).

If you do feel any of those things deep down, you need to accept that two of your wants are in conflict - the want to continue as you are because of xyz reason, and the want to engage with others in a way that you find acceptable and that others find more socially acceptable. There will be a price to pay, and that price is you will have to start inhibiting your actions.

Oh I have found the answers and have dug deep and I don't have conflicting feelings over this. I want not to do this in future. I regret a few things I've said to people as they were not nice, unkind etc and I wouldn't want others to say these things to me.

I don't feel like I have the right to hurt people because I was hurt all the time but sometimes (in the past mostly) because I have felt hurt in the past, subconsciously, I have made excuses for myself that it's ok to hurt people because I was hurt. That is not right or ok.

The family friend - I shouldn't have said what I said but it was true. But I still shouldn't have said it. At all. It was not my place to say it, none of my business, and I should think more carefully about what I say.

I don't want to continue doing this, I don't have ADHD etc nor would I use that or anything like this to excuse me doing this and my past issues shouldn't be an excuse to be like this.

I definitely want to inhibit my future actions - but with the help of a counsellor (whom I'm seeing) it should be much better and I will have support and coping strategies so I don't do this, or deal with conflict in an adult manner and in a way that I find acceptable and others find socially acceptable.

I have put up a 'don't mess with me' front and don't want to be a doormat, but I do feel I find it hard to be assertive sometimes, or in the right way, so it comes across wrong. The people (friends) who I dealt with harshly did really upset me at the time and I don't necessarily regret what I said etc, and I feel I was treated badly at the time too, but I do regret outbursts which look like they're uncontrolled and abusive.

I think you need to think about several things really.

There’s a difference between assertiveness, and aggression. Assertiveness is effectively raising other factors or perspectives so that it helps discussion about something. The description of the Facebook posts is closer to aggression, it’s basically stomping around shouting at everyone what your view is.

Filters - make a list of questions to ask yourself to see if what you’re planning on saying or doing is going to help the situation or inflame it. Try to anticipate how it may be received by different people.

We all are a bit thoughtless from time to time but you’re describing something that is more than the odd faux pas.

@Rainbowshine

I think you need to think about several things really.

There’s a difference between assertiveness, and aggression. Assertiveness is effectively raising other factors or perspectives so that it helps discussion about something. The description of the Facebook posts is closer to aggression, it’s basically stomping around shouting at everyone what your view is.

Filters - make a list of questions to ask yourself to see if what you’re planning on saying or doing is going to help the situation or inflame it. Try to anticipate how it may be received by different people.

We all are a bit thoughtless from time to time but you’re describing something that is more than the odd faux pas.

Actually that's a good idea.

I know I'm not being assertive when I say what I say and with 2 of these friends I was basically being aggressive towards them rather than discuss things. The first friend I'd been very close to her as a friend for approx 1 year, she fell in love with a new man but ditched me overnight completely. I shouldn't have overreacted but did which I think was justified. The thing was when I bumped into her a year or so later rather than raise the other factors or perspectives with her so it enabled discussion, I was bitchy about her with another friend (in a changing room) but so the original friend heard. Basically I was still hurt and angry from what happened before. The other friend it was a bit more serious because she we were best friends and she ditched me 2 months before we were due to go on holiday (all planned, booked and half the money paid) to take her boyfriend (father of her DD) instead. I did have a go at her but I should maybe have done it in a more measured fashion. I was very angry with her though. I think because I've been bullied and been treated badly by friends in the past (when I didn't have these outbursts) I feel these outbursts are justified. But they're not. Or not doing it in this way. I tend to be an all or nothing person now - if someone offends me or upsets me a lot - I usually cut them out of my life completely.

Agreed re filters , planning to say, and anticipation of receipt - I will discuss this with the therapist.

I know I'm not committing an odd faux pas and it's more than a bit thoughtless.

It does sound like you’re letting raw emotions and reactions rule your actions. CBT and things like the Karpman Drama Triangle might be worth considering. And in the heat of the moment stopping yourself and not having an outburst of how you feel but writing it down or making an audio recording may help get the emotions out so you can then better tackle the issue in a more considered way.

Are you sure it's not ADHD? Emotional disregulation and rejection sensitivity are key factors. (I have them both)

@Rainbowshine

It does sound like you’re letting raw emotions and reactions rule your actions. CBT and things like the Karpman Drama Triangle might be worth considering. And in the heat of the moment stopping yourself and not having an outburst of how you feel but writing it down or making an audio recording may help get the emotions out so you can then better tackle the issue in a more considered way.

Thanks! One CBT area really helped me when I had workplace bullying before. I will mention others to my therapist too.

@SophieHMS

Are you sure it's not ADHD? Emotional disregulation and rejection sensitivity are key factors. (I have them both)

I tested for ADHD privately (as well as autism etc) and tests came back negative.

Just an update for anyone interested. So I addressed this with the therapist last night in our session and we're working on how I tend to see situations as black and white and concentrate on the grey area part and also why I sometimes act as a child/teenager re certain relationships and resolve that.

So I feel much more confident and resolved going forwards that I can resolve this. I'm so lucky that I can afford therapy but would recommend it to anyone.

Thats a positive update.
Did your therapist talk about passive aggression? Its can become a habit when we are in the position where we can't be assertive.

As you are not in the bad situation any more and are moving on, it might be a good time to look at assertiveness training. ''A Woman in Your Own Right'' by Anne Dickson is a good place to start and its not expensive, but try to find classes if you can. Or look at CBT.

@Thelnebriati

Thats a positive update. Did your therapist talk about passive aggression? Its can become a habit when we are in the position where we can't be assertive.

As you are not in the bad situation any more and are moving on, it might be a good time to look at assertiveness training. ''A Woman in Your Own Right'' by Anne Dickson is a good place to start and its not expensive, but try to find classes if you can. Or look at CBT.

No she didn't but will mention this to her re passive aggression.

I worked out though that definitely or half and half it's because I was bullied/treated like a doormat etc that I react the way I did. I didn't react the way I did re passive aggression until I was in at least my 30s though, interestingly. I recall putting up with such a lot of shit, especially from one particular boyfriend and a platonic male friend who was eventually a boyfriend very briefly.

I did do assertiveness training many years ago. I'll look at 'A Woman in Your Own Right' too and I think my therapist incorporates CBT in her sessions, or I'll ask her about that, as it really helped me before. I'll see if I can find assertiveness training classes too.

That’s good news @Gonnagetgoing I really hope that the work you do with the therapy and reading etc helps.