What do you think of this ?

[GoodnightGrandma]

Am I unreasonable ?
If I do the kitchen jobs in the morning, ie empty dishwasher and wipe the worktops down, then DH comes down and leaves coffee grounds on the work top, am I being unreasonable to ask him to wipe it up ?
I get the ‘face’, and the sort of attitude of ‘oh, don’t start again’.
It’s made be very resentful, and makes me fear saying anything.
Should I just clean it up as it bothers me and not him ?

Depends on a lot of things. Assuming a fair allocation of roles in the family, it would depend on the agreed cleaning regime for the kitchen.

Are you cleaning up after the previous night in preparation for breakfast? If so, who is responsible for cleaning up after breakfast ? Or have you cleaned up after breakfast ? In which case is there an agreement to leave the kitchen as you found it until the next clean up.

I don't think the "agreed cleaning regime" is relevant here.
You make extra mess - you clean it up. That's all there is to it.
Nobody should be leaving extra mess around for others to clean.

If leaving a mess in the kitchen is more important to him than domestic harmony, you have bigger issues than coffee grounds. Especially if his response is making you fear pointing things out.

I don't think your agreed cleaning regime is relevant either - if you make a mess, you clear it up. Assuming he's a grown up who knows he's living in a house and not a barn, then tell him to fuck off with the face and tidy his own shit up

www.yourtango.com/2016285266/my-wife-divorced-me-because-left-dishes-by-sink

There’s this article called My Wife divorced me because I left dishes by the sink. It definitely resonated with me because I have a similar issue and if you say anything it’s “nag, nag, nag” attitude and eye rolling.

Does he clean normally and its these smaller things that irk you?

My other half does similar things. He does clean but even when hes finished or myself he will for instance - make a roll up and leave tobacco bits on the side, spoons / knives where he made toast/coffee.
Socks off and left on the floor we just swept / mopped.

I don't fucking get it.

I leave it now until it bothers me enough but it never readily affects him I don't know why.

50% thinks he is just oblivious or will get round to it, the other half thinks he does it on purpose to watch me tick.

I've asked he just says 'ill sort it' 'ill do a clean soon' 'Its only socks'

So watching this with interest.

I've spoken to him before and says it feels properly degrading to be picking up his sweaty socks once I have tided up because he's too lazy. And so ignorant of him when he knows it winds me up. He tries for a few days and then stops again.

@GoodnightGrandma

Am I unreasonable ? If I do the kitchen jobs in the morning, ie empty dishwasher and wipe the worktops down, then DH comes down and leaves coffee grounds on the work top, am I being unreasonable to ask him to wipe it up ? I get the ‘face’, and the sort of attitude of ‘oh, don’t start again’. It’s made be very resentful, and makes me fear saying anything. Should I just clean it up as it bothers me and not him ?

Remove the coffee for a day. Say nothing. If he does it again, remove the coffee until he gets the message. I bet this is the tip of the iceberg OP !

It’s one of the things that annoys me, so tip of the iceberg is about right.
I don’t believe in making food and leaving the mess while I eat. I clean up as I go and chuck dirty dishes etc in the dishwasher. Then I can enjoy my food. That’s what I’ve taught my kids.
It’s more about the face and attitude, it’s almost like he does it to stop me ‘nagging’ him. So I suppose you could say he’s won. Is this a type of gaslighting ?

Very much tip of the iceberg, yes @GoodnightGrandma I usually just clean it up to save the bother of it turning into something massive. It's the same in my house, bits of coffee right next to where I take the washing out of the machine and put it on the bench to be inevitably stained... Also, he leaves greasy handprints on the mirrored wardrobes and windows when I've just cleaned them. When this happens over and over again, it grinds you down. Either you end up blowing up like a neurotic loony, or you stay quiet and resentful. I read the article in the link upthread, and it's so true. It's not about coffee or handprints, it's knowing how your partner feels about it, and not continually f*ing doing it until she packs up and leaves.

It's not gaslighting no, it's lazy fucking annoying bastard syndrome if anything

@19Bears

Very much tip of the iceberg, yes *@GoodnightGrandma I usually just clean it up to save the bother of it turning into something massive. It's the same in my house, bits of coffee right next to where I take the washing out of the machine and put it on the bench to be inevitably stained... Also, he leaves greasy handprints on the mirrored wardrobes and windows when I've just cleaned them. When this happens over and over again, it grinds you down. Either you end up blowing up like a neurotic loony, or you stay quiet and resentful. I read the article in the link upthread, and it's so true. It's not about coffee or handprints, it's knowing how your partner feels about it, and not continually f**ing doing it until she packs up and leaves.

I stay quiet and resentful until the PMT kicks in, then I blow up ! Just had enough of it now, being on my own would reduce the stress that this causes.