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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why do I feel so guilty?

3 replies

Countdownto2234 · 19/09/2021 23:33

It's my daughters birthday this week. She will be 3. We have a really lovely week planned and I can't wait.. I'm a lone parent to her and we have the most unbreakable bond. When I was with her father, I raised her from the moment she was born. I did everything.
We fled domestic abuse and it got quite heavy, he's a danger to her as he abused her also :( the only contact he has is supervised twice a month.
He didn't see her last year for her birthday and he won't this year either.
So, why do I feel guilty?
He stopped being a father in my eyes the minute he laid a finger on her and told her directly when she was just shy of 18 months old that she was a complete mistake and he hated her.
My beautiful, amazing, kind, wonderful, brave little girl, who saved my life and makes me proud to be a lone parent, however tough it is.
Why do I feel a pang of guilt that he's deprived himself of watching her thrive and grow up?
Part of me almost offered contact in her birthday week in an attempt to be a decent person, but my solicitor actually advised me not to and not be accommodating, all I have to do is stick to the current court order and do the bare minimum.
If I had my own way, he would be dead.. And I'd be dancing on his grave, but why do I feel guilty for her, when I have no reason to be? He made his choices to be highly abusive and destroyed our family.. I did everything I could to hold it together until we were both in imminent danger. I left with my baby and the clothes on my back.
I can't shake off why I feel guilty. Can anyone explain it to me?

OP posts:
Vodkacarbsandtobacco · 19/09/2021 23:40

I think you feel guilty because you're such a great mum and decent human being. You might be pushing what he's done to the back of your mind and minimising it in your subconscious. It's natural to only remember the good times but it might help if you write down on paper everything abusive he did to you and your little girl and look at it every time you feel guilty. Its NOT your fault and you have done the absolute best thing for your daughter by leaving him xxx

PerseverancePays · 19/09/2021 23:45

Possibly you feel guilty that you made a poor choice in choosing her father. You might not have had great role models on your childhood or had conversations when you were growing up about what makes a good life partner and characteristics to avoid.
You’ve made a mistake, but if she had any other father she would not be her beautiful self. So you have that.
Sorry her dad is so awful. Maybe work on your boundaries and self esteem so you can model a strong female .
You have your whole life ahead of you, don’t let this one mistake drag you down. The best revenge is to live well.

Laladell · 19/09/2021 23:45

Hiya,

Not really got any advice as such but from previously being in a terribly abusive relationship myself it can affect you very strange. You know logically/on paper that someone has done something very wrong but sometimes your head/heart says otherwise. I suffered and still do sometimes, with guilt.

You did the right thing and now can live your best days and thrive ❤

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