How can I enjoy caring for my toddler

[CaptainObviously]

I know I've only got one toddler and I take my hat off to parents of two or more, but I'm finding it really hard looking after my 14.5 month old full time. He is a really strong-willed little boy, even more so than the other babies his age at NCT. He's gorgeous and happy most of the time but like all toddlers he has bouts of teething, tantrums, tears and so on, plus, above all he is the most energetic and headstrong little character. It's exhausting.

My NCT friends have all gone back to work p/t and say how wonderful and chilled out their days are looking after their LO and how much they're enjoying it.

My job has disappeared due to the pandemic so I'm now a SAHP until / if we work out some childcare and work for me. (Thankfully for now we can afford for me to do this). Whilst I adore my son to bits (why do we always feel the need for this caveat?) I can't say I'm fully enjoying everyday looking after him. For one thing there's not much to do where we live, and we live in a small flat with no garden and no green space walking distance away, so we have to get in the car or the bus to go anywhere. It can be tough occupying and entertaining him.

Also, he's enormous and heavy and has killed my back. I'm not back to full fitness after pregnancy (before I was pretty fit) since I've no time to exercise (strength training, swimming etc). I don't know how I'll ever get back to full fitness. Dr says to rest my back but that's hardly likely with a 1 year old!

Anyway I guess I'm just looking for any words of advice from mums who have felt this way, or any tips on how I can fit in fitness or anything to start feeling myself again.

How can I start to enjoy looking after my gorgeous son full time? Before pandemic I never thought I'd be a SAHP full time. I should add for context that DH works long hours, roughly 9-9pm during the week.

That sounds tough. Your partner working such long hours, living in a flat, no break for you at all!

There's a danger in comparing your experience with your friends who have returned to work. They will miss their little ones and feel energised to be with them again and reconnect. Never being away from your kids is very draining so you won't always feel enthusiastic! Is there anyone who can have him for a while regularly? A grandparent? Could you afford a childminder for a couple of mornings a week to give you a break?

If I was in your situation I would....
Organise something for every morning - a play date when your mates aren't working, a trip to the park, soft play, toddler groups etc. Tire him out as much as possible! Home for lunch followed by a nap, while you do some exercise like hiit or kettle bell. In the afternoon have a second activity planned, or get him 'helping' you if you have house stuff to do.

In a nutshell: try and do something social every day for both your sakes, plan every day, have a routine, exercise while he naps.

I hope that helps! It's really not easy to be a sahp, and you must prioritise breaks if you can

Could you take him swimming? I know you won’t get to actually swim much but might be something different for both of you and be less of a strain - I have a shoulder/neck issue so know what that’s like! It will probably fire him out too so you could have a decent rest afterwards.

*tire him out, I mean. We really need an edit button! 🙄

Get outside every day - if that means car or bus, so be it. Organise a class for at least one day a week for him. Find a buggy fit/postnatal fitness class for you. See if there are buggy walks locally. Take him for a wander in town, go for a coffee and just potter - he doesn't need a huge amount to entertain him. And make sure you get time totally alone during the week too

Thanks, this is really helpful. I've booked in for a swimming lessons once a week which should be good and I'm looking around for other things.

Definitely agree with going out everyday. Lots of walks, park, soft play, visit friends and family etc.

My first was very hard work. I had to walk miles every day with her in the pram to get through it. She became more enjoyable about 3-4. Just get out and about as much as possible and reward yourself with chocolate often

Being a SAHP isn't for everyone (or even most)

Could you tell your DH you want to return to work to stop sacrificing your career and how are the two of you going to achieve this

I might not be much help here but I have 3 children (9,4 and 3) and after my youngest was born 13 months after my middle one I spent nearly a year wandering around the house like a zombie on autopilot and completely lost who I was as a person. Even though I loved them to bits (you're right we do always feel the need to say that 😂) I felt like my brain was being slowly destroyed by the endless feeding, changing, swing pushing, cleaning, washing and peppa fucking pig! I started going out for a walk or a drive on my own after my partner was home and we had all had tea. Also, some gyms have a free creche facility if you join. Hang in there it does get better I promise xxx

Unfortunately I don't have any family close by or emotionally close either. I'm trying to make new mum friends but it's been tricky with Covid.

Thank you @Vodkacarbsandtobacco that's exactly how I feel. I can't imagine what it just have been like with two toddlers! Yes it's a never ending slog without any end in sight!

I guess lower your expectations. Toddlers can be lovely but it is really hard work. That's how it is so don't worry that you don't feel you're loving every minute with him!

Just treat it as a job you are going to try and do to the best of your ability

Try to give him good food. Be warm but firm. Take him outside for exercise.

It's really hard for you. But it just also must be really hard to be a toddler. He has thought the world revolves around him but now he is growing more sophisticated and is learning how very small he is and how very little control he has over his world. Painful and stressful. No wonder they are wilful.

He will grow up in time and it will get easier.

My lad is nearly 10 now. We're in a sweet spot before the teens! He is still loving, adores me, but he is a big boy who can usually manages his feelings, be reasoned with, make me a cup of tea, carry washing baskets up stairs, not be rude about the supper I have made because he now understands this might be quite hurtful to me.

Honest it's lovely!!

But when he was little he had such strong desires for things and so little tolerance of frustration ... I thought I might snap sometimes!

If you want to get back in to fitness, look in to joining a gym or pool with a creche. I have 2 dc aged 1 and 3 and make it part of our routine, we go to the gym every morning, then to the park, then home for lunch, then nap. They love it as it is toy central there and the staff are lovely.

I know it's an extra cost but you can get some good deals and the creche is usually very cheap or complimentary.

And maybe take the pressure off to be actively enjoying it all the time! Toddlers are HARD. You are doing a very worthwhile and loving thing being a SAHM, and there will be moments that make your heart light up, but a lot of the time it's a thankless slog. Don't feel you have to be loving every minute of it because that is unrealistic.

This might help finding something to do: www.happity.co.uk/blog/article/best-hoop-alternative-hoop-app-closing-booking-classes/

I’d look hard for a job. Even if it only covers the cost of nursery. No one is meant to be alone with a toddler for the kind of hours you are.

@TreeSmuggler I really want to do this. I've looked around but all the ones in my area are still closed due to Covid

Sorry posted too soon. Thanks it's a great idea for structuring the day @TreeSmuggler

I hear you. I'm not trying to scare you, but 14 months is about when mine started to get difficult, and just kept getting more so (He's 2.5 now). He's just got so much energy and is very strong willed.

Definitely lower expectations and do not join any Facebook groups where everyone is Super Mum, organising sensory activities daily, etc.

Can you afford ANY childcare at all. We sent ours to nursery at 14 months. Just 3 hours, 3 days a week. I was SAH but was pregnant and exhausted. We mainly sent him so that he was socialising (no friends or family nearby with children and no toddler groups have run here since March 2020) and got experiences that honestly couldn't be bothered to provide regularly at home, like painting, crafts, water play. But it was such a nice break for me. I'd do some Pilates, exercise bike, shower and cook/bake something. And he absolutely loves it there.

What does he enjoy? I'd stick mine in the bath for an hour some days! I'd play with him a bit, but often I'd just sit on the toilet on my phone just for a bit of quiet time (ordered a load of bath toys from Amazon).

I also read somewhere that's it's good for their learning to be a bit bored and learn how to play by themselves rather than being entertained all the time - don't care if it's not true, I'm going with it!

My boy is really well behaved and a joy to be with when we're at the playground. But some days I just can't face the battle to get his shoes on, get him in the car, hold my hand in the car park and the same back again. He drops to the floor and dead-weighs me, squirms and refuses to sit to get his seatbelt on, runs off and refuses to come back. I have a prolapse from his birth but I have no choice but to pick him up sometimes either for his safety or just to get somewhere. So we don't go out everyday and I try not to feel guilty about it.

I try not to feel guilty about him sitting in front of the tv sometimes while I get some work done. He is safe, warm, well fed, cared for and played with and read books to at other times during the day.

I try not to feel guilty when I really enjoy some time without him.

Lots of the day is a battle and not enjoyable, but I try to focus on those bits that are- when he's being lovely, when he's learnt something new (and nap time- nap time is great!). I'm also really trying to slowly change my diet. I eat crap and drink coke / coffee because I'm exhausted, and I'm more exhausted because I eat crap and drink too much caffeine.

Be kind to yourself. They change so quickly and will be at another stage before you know it. Maybe having a 5 year old will be more enjoyable, or a 10 year old, or 20 year old!!!

I've also started reading the book How to talk so little kids will listen. Well, I'm listening to the audio book! Some ideas in there are really helping me to deal with his exhausting behaviour. It's aimed at age 2+, but yours sounds a lot like my little boy and it might be worth getting prepared with the mind-set now. It's a bit eyerolling in places, but if you can get past that, I've found some strategies already working. (I'm a primary school teacher/ deputy head with years of experience in behaviour management, but nothing prepared me for dealing with such a young child who has no clue about consequences, empathy and danger).

Just wanted to reassure you you're not alone. I hate being a SAHM so much; my body is a mess and aches a LOT - no advice on how to fit in exercise as my partner works long and weird hours so I'm often alone in the evening and unable to leave my daughter at home 🙃

I'm actually starting a new job in Jan and I CANNOT wait to get a bit of me time ☺️ would returning to work be something you'd be open to?

Thanks. There's not much scope for going back to work right now due to sector being ravaged by pandemic. I might be able to pick up one day a week. But nurseries and childminders around here won't offer 1 day only.

I'm thinking about whether we could possibly afford / find a nanny willing to do one day a week. I know it's only one day but it could be a start.

Thank you to the pp for sharing their experiences. It's so helpful to read. It's not something people tend to share in real life (how properly tough it can be).

Can you do swimming at the weekend when your husband is home? İf you did two hours sat and Sunday evening that will give you a lot of strength and more energy, plus something to look forward to. İ think the key is to schedule something for every evening after LO is in bed so you have something to look forward to. So whilst hubby is at work you could schedule your favourite TV show or a puzzle, a chapter of a book or anything you enjoy.