Abusive ex brainwashing DC - time to give up?

[Orchidprincess]

I have to be a bit careful as we're currently in a court situation and I know from experience he tries to stalk me on here, so forgive some vague details.

Abusive ex is taking me to court for the 2nd time in 3 years for custody of 10 year old DC. He wants primary custody plus choice of secondary school which will be near him and a good half hour away. We are days away from court. I'm fighting it best I can with legal advice etc. He's trying to look good for the sake of court while in the background constantly undermining and working to break me.

However, DC believes everything he says. DC has started parroting words from him, about anything from school choices, to extra curricular things, anything that would benefit him when we get to court. To make it look like he is the good parent and I'm being obstructive. Nothing I say seems to be going into their head, and none if his mud sticks.

I'm despairing. I've never bad mouthed him in front of DC. Always been fair, to which he has taken advantage. Yet I stand to lose so much in a few days. The constant stress is making me so ill I'm struggling to function. It's breaking me.

A big part of me feels like giving up, giving custody over to preserve my health and my sanity. Everyone always says to fight for your kids, and I have, but I can't take anymore. It's a thankless task. Is it better to let them see what he really is?

Any words of wisdom, especially by people who have been there, would be much appreciated.

Having ''been there'' my best advice is to say focus on what is in your child's best interest from a school and living perspective. Unless something has materially changed, or you're a risk of harm assuming your DC has contact with your ex, the courts aren't usually inclined to change residence. Spurious applications are looked on poorly, especially if repetitive. At 10 while his view will likely be heard and taken into account they will not necessarily be determinative. If he's easily swayed (which it sounds like he is) then it's less likely his views will be given great weight.

Have you had any Cafcass reports done?

I remember your previous threads.

Hang on in there

I hope you don't remember them @RandomMess@randommess I don't want to be easily recognisable.

@pinkyxx CAFCASS interviewer was supportive but the report was less so. Acted as a mouthpiece for ex to say I am mentally unstable etc etc.

The reports reflect what both parties views / what they said and that of the child if spoken to. The recommendation is what is key. I was in despair when I read our Cafcass reports until my solicitor explained that the Cafcass advisor was simply reporting what my ex had said / his views - which were along the lines of I was mentally unstable, dangerous, abusive, alienating etc... the Cafcass advisor recommended NO change to residence.

I'm not sure what type of report you had (section 7?) but usually the Cafcass reporter would make a recommendation - i.e. no change to residence or change. Did the report shed any light on whether they were in favour of a change of residence?

@Pinkyxx it was a section 7 but DC was not interviewed. Recommendations from CAFCASS were for my personal records that my ex deemed pertinent (criminal, medical...) to be shared with him and the court. Make of that what you will.

Do you have a criminal record And mental health issues?

Can you request his is disclosed too?

@Theunamedcat no there isn't anything there that would back him up. CAFCASS didn't recommend his be disclosed and I've been advised it would just look retaliatory as his only criminal record has already been included in their report.

@Orchidprincess isn't he charming.... my advice, disclose away. Rise above it, and demonstrate yourself as the reasonable party with nothing to hide. Even if you do have mental health issue, that is not a reason to change residence unless your issues present a demonstrable risk of harm to your DC.

My ex did the same, and a whole pile more. I was very frightened by it all, the stress of it made me physically ill too. He was livid when the court didn't order in his favour and made all sorts of complaints ref Cafcass as to their not having taken his ''concerns'' seriously - despite there being not a shred of evidence to support his allegations as to my unfitness as a mother.... stay strong, rise above it all and remember why you are doing this.

My gosh you poor thing

Head up

Stay strong

I'm in court very soon with an abusive bastard

I have been accused of all sorts
That's what they do

Will be thinking of you xxxxx

Just sending strength your way
What a horrible battle to be in

Your child is very young and they do pick up what parents say and parrot
But it won’t last , they grow older and wiser and realise what’s going on

Frankly I’d focus on your well-being first and foremost
Are you getting any support in RL ?

I’d be bloody surprised if anyone would allow full custody
It barely exists as a concept these days unless parent is neglectful xx

At 10 +12 ds's thought exh was God and I was a prostitute!!
At 12 +14 the went nc.
With exh.
*to clarify I have never made any cash from sexual services!

This is my advice. Stay firm and brief. I just had a friend go through this. The ex spent hours bad mouthing and things like mentally unstable blah blah blah. She made a simple and repetitive statement with no emotion. This is what you write also.
“I will and always have done what is in the best interests of “Name of child” that is my only concern. Child is thriving in this area with many friends and stability. I firmly believe his local school with local friends of many years (see ofsted report here) is the best for him/her. I don’t believe that character insults between the parents are productive, warranted or in our child’s best interest. After reading the court statements I believe parental alienation from (insert your ex name here) to be a real risk. My opinion is that it is in child’s best interest to stay where he is in his current stable environment. Thank you”
That is it.
You say no more.
Do not respond. Do not say one negative thing.
Have you ever been inside a psychiatric unit? No. Then mentally unstable is not proveable.
You must stay the sane and non emotional parent and simply enforce what is in child’s best interest.
Best interest and parental alienation are your new top phrases and you use them repeatedly. Simple. Blunt sentences. Bullet points. Short.
The judge will very much appreciate honest, short, simple brevity in contrast to your ex’s long rambling emotional accusations

and if you don’t refer to his criminal record then you look even more like the sane person

Courts and judges also don’t like being told what to do or dictated to. So you are asking them to consider the child’s best interest not dictating that they do what you say because your ex has a criminal record. These people are highly educated and can read the reports for themselves

I would speak to your ds about his own voice being really important.. That his feelings are more important than his df's 'wants'..

So much depends on the actual circumstances which none of us know. Is it currently 50/50? That is the best option generally. 30 mins to school is a normal journey time, I travelled further as did my kids for a better school - insisting he attends a school near year if it's not as good could seem controlling by a judge. The best thing you can do is to come across as wanting your dc to see both parents and share parenting decisions, take the upper hand on this

I do know lots of parents who travel that distance to school and there might be a school bus. Custody should be 50/50. What is the school he wants? Is the ofsted better?

I'm in a very similar position to you, OP. I broke down recently because it's been six long years of abuse and parental alienation from my ex-husband. I've also considered whether it's in my child's interests to carry on trying. I'm about to start counselling because I no longer know how to deal with having this abuse in my life.

What school are his friends going to? You could ask your son about his friends and encourage closer relationship with local friends at ten my son began to go to his friends houses by himself