What exactly are the best words...

[19Bears]

... to say I don't want to be married to you anymore? I want it to be as unconfrontational as possible, for it not to turn into an argument and blaming each other, just a clear message.
I find him very hard to talk to (especially this week as he hasn't spoken to me since Monday) and I have just put it off and put it off for years. He knows how unhappy I am, but he carries on as if I don't really mean it.
Any 'success' stories would be greatly appreciated x

There aren't any magic words that are going to make him go "OK, okay then, I'll be totally reasonable and grown up about this" because he's clearly an unreasonable and childish arse of he's been giving you the silent treatment all week.

Have you had legal advice? I would personally set up an appointment for that first, so you'll have an idea of what you're entitled to in terms of division of assets and child maintenance (if applicable). Knowledge is power.

Then I'd sit down and simply say "This marriage is making me unhappy and I want a divorce." Keep it completely factual and based on your feelings - don't get drawn into discussions of what needs to change, promises of being better, accusations that you've been shagging someone else, him telling you nobody else will want you, etc. Just don't respond to anything like that. Keep repeating "I'm unhappy and I want a divorce."

You don't owe him a marriage. You can leave a relationship for any reason. You can leave because you don't like his choice of footwear. You're not obligated to stay with a man who acts like a silly toddler.

Well depending on what sort of divorce you want, it’s easiest to separate for two years first. Do you know what you’d do with finances and the house? I’d get a sort of plan in place with that. Maybe see a solicitor if you think it might be contested. Organise where you’re going to move to. Pack a bag with enough stuff for a week and or so and get it ready in the boot. Then just tell him you’re leaving him and leave. He already knows why so what’s the point in repeating yourself? Especially if it’s just going to lead to an argument. Return in a week or so for the rest of your stuff. Then broach the house sale/finance split a few weeks later. Then even later let him know you will serve the divorce papers after two years, unless he’d rather do it. You’ve clearly checked out emotionally already and he’s just in denial so hopefully there won’t be any fireworks.

His not speaking to you since Monday is actually an example of emotional abuse. For that alone he and you need to be apart like yesterday.

He will turn any words you state against him into an argument against you. Present the divorce it to him as a fait accompli after you have commenced divorce proceedings against him. Stop with further putting this off due to the kids and or a fear of being alone because the only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is none.

Seeking therapy for yourself re any and all people pleasing and codependent behaviours would be an extremely good idea for you in the longer term. In the short term I would also suggest that you contact Womens Aid and enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme.

I would be extremely wary about actually moving out of the marital home until you have sought legal advice on this matter. Would not leave the kids either with him. If anyone moves out it should be him and not you given the fact also there are children involved. However, he won't likely leave the marital home quietly if at all in any event short of being forced to.

He being the abusive man he is won't let you go all that easily so will remain as obstructive and unreasonable as he ever was. This does not mean to say you should not divorce him because you absolutely should.

Well, I have been in a similar situation so I will try to give some advice:

There isn’t really a “good” way of doing this. If he wants to be married, and you don’t, that conflict in interest will result in some sort of emotionality whether you like it or not, I’m afraid. I think that it’s good to be prepared for that, that he can get angry, upset, stop talking to you (for longer) etc. Importantly, you must also consider his potential for physical violence and how to do this the safest way possible.

I found that starting off the conversation was best done for me by starting to pose real and confrontational questions about the relationship. (NOTE my ex was not violent one bit - please consider this first depending). Things like “are you really happy?” “Where are going with this relationship?” For me, this was hard as we never spoke about anything, really, but it started a process in him to understand my thinking.

Further, cliche, but focus on you and your wishes for the future and that you need to move on. Provide real examples of why and what you aren’t happy with.

It might be that your husband will be shocked the the emotions will kick in at a later point, that happened to me. I got a lot of abusive text messages and name calling, from a man I’d never ever thought would be capable of such behaviour. He tried to stall our separation as well, as a revenge I am sure. All these things are minor in my opinion, compared to what some men do. Please keep your wits about you and be prepared.

I hope it helps and good luck

What's wrong with, ' I don't want to be married to you anymore, its over. We need to talk about how we separate and divorce.'

Its clear and to the point. If he refuses to talk tell him you are starting divorce proceedings.

"I've been unhappy for a long time and have thought about this carefully. I don't want to be married to you anymore so I'll be filing for divorce."

It's not a committee decision, don't get drawn into going over too many details about feelings or he will combat them / gaslight you.

Focus on practical arrangements and what actually needs to be sorted - finances, coparenting if you have kids and mortgage / deeds if you share a home.

Have some stock phrases you can repeat on loop as needed to keep on track with practical things rather than going over and over the emotional stuff:

"That's a shame you feel that way. Anyway, as I said..."

"No need to discuss that, let's talk about..."

"My mind is made up so I won't be discussing that anymore."

"It's a final decision that I am very sure of."

Etc etc.

Thanks everyone x I have initially spoken to a solicitor as I wanted to ask if I have the right to ask him to leave, seeing as I want to stay in the house and keep the kids settled as it's their home above anything else. He said neither of us have the right to expect the other to leave, but that usually people sort this out between them in the best interests of the children. However, if there was no agreement and it went to court, then it would be more likely that me and the kids would stay in the family home til the youngest is 18. So, that's what I would like to happen. I really can't pack my bags and their bags and go. Well, I could, but I won't do that to them. There's no 'abuse' as such, so it's not as if we have to run away to safety. I just can't seem to find a way to do it. I know that's my fault and I have to take a deep breath and just do it.

Is your Solicitor actually aware that your H is abusive?. With your H it’s his way or no way as far as he is concerned.

Your husband is being abusive to his children indirectly because he gives you as their mother the silent treatment. He is neither a good dad to them or husband to you. I sincerely hope you can get him out of your day to day lives.

And it's Brexit time again. Another glorious Sunday night....

Abuse doesn't have to be physical violence to be considered real abuse. Emotional abuse, financial abuse and coercive control are considered just as serious