Thinking about ending my marriage

[pamelah21]

Hiya just wanted to get this off my chest any advice would be helpful, I've been with my partner for 25 years married 10 years in October, we have four kids together and as the subject says I'm seriously thinking of ending my marriage, we have been living together more as friends, (I use that term loosely), for years, we've alway had issues and it's probably down to the fact that he's autistic and he's difficult to live with, he has very little communication skills, if we have and problems he can't explain or express how he feels, we have tried marriage guidance, and he just kept saying he doesn't know what to say or he doesn't feel anything. The straw that's broke the camel's back is I've got covid and he's completely uncaring, not asked if I'm ok, if he can do anything for me, I've just had enough. I do almost everything for all in the house and I get nothing back from any of them, three of the kids are adults, two also with autism and one with ADHD, I'm sick of thinking and doing everything for all of them. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself but this happens all the time, so it's just yet another let down from my husband.

Sorry OP. I think if he's constantly letting you down, that's not going to change, and being with someone who doesn't look after you will become more of a problem as you age together.

Do you want to spend the remainder of your life like this because it isn't going to improve. If anything, these behaviours have fossilised and neither he nor you as a couple have established strategies for working around these obstacles.

As difficult as it is, I wonder if you might benefit from talking with a counsellor by yourself and establishing what it is you want for the rest of your life.

I don't think I could live like that. Was he ever caring? He must have been nice to you at some stage in order for you to marry and 4 children.

Yes I would end it.

I would just be a bit careful because you're ill. Covid makes me feel very low (had it twice now) and everything seems impossible.

Is there anyone at all in your life that helps out, buoys you up? Parents, siblings? Look for those supports right now. Get over this. And there are support threads on here for partners of autistic people- maybe helpful?

But yes, if you feel unable to go on in the marriage and he's unable to give you even basic support that you need, that's completely fair enough.

I've know for years that he,things would never change, I've alway just put up with it, and I've spoken to him a few times and told him that were only together as long as I can put up with it, and I know that sounds harsh, well it does when I write it down lol but I just think I don't want to keep putting up with it for the rest of my life. Our son was in hospital a few years ago with unexplained stomach problems, I was going between my son in hospital, looking after my other three, doing school runs making the kids dinner at home, all while he just kept going to work. Then when he was coming home and when I was stressed out my box he was calling me crabbit. This is just how our life has been, I do have good friends who I offload and get all the emotional support that I should be getting from him, that he can't provide. I've always just gotten on with things, and did everything myself,as I've learned that I've had to over the years.

I've always just gotten on with things, and did everything myself,as I've learned that I've had to over the years.

Does your DH bring something to your life that can outweigh all of this lack of support?

I admire pragmatism and stoicism. That said, are you content for your life to be an endurance event? One with no positive outcomes for you and the children but presumably some secondary gain for him?

No not really, he can't think for himself, needs to be asked,told to do most things for himself or the kids, like this morning,DD was off school I've got covid so I got a text, asked him if he's called the school, and he said oh can can you do it? I told him no to do it himself, so he did but he didn't no that's something your ment to do.