Sad over ex

[Strippedbaree]

It’s been two years since my ex boyfriend broke up with me. We were only dating a year but two years On I still feel incredibly sad and it’s not an exaggeration to say I think about him every day.

I’ve been having psychotherapy since we broke up and it has helped.

But I still feel so sad and alone and miss him.

Is this normal?

It can be.

Why did you break up?

I wasn’t in the right place for a relationship and we argued a lot.

So would I be right to say you can be sad that it ended, but if you'd stayed then ultimately you'd have been unhappy?

I have been in a similar position, and eventually you kind of reconcile with the 'grief' of the lost relationship and the 'what might have been'.

Im my personal experience, the only way I truly move on is when I meet someone else. This may be the same for you. Once I meet someone else it gives me another person to focus on so I'm no longer reflecting and it puts the relationship with the ex into perspective

I think you’re both right. There’s no way of knowing if things would’ve been different if I’d been in a different space at the time and ultimately I’m grieving the what might’ve been very heavily still two years on plus the fact I’ve not found anyone else.

I’m nowhere near as upset as I was two years ago. I can function day to day. I just walk around with this deep seated melancholiness and I guess although I would love it not to be true I’ve reconciled with the fact that a relationship that’s fulfilling and everything I’d want it to be just won’t be for me in this lifetime.

Bump

You will find someone else. It isn't normal, but these aren't normal times.
Try to build new memories, and live your life as a full person in your own right, not half of a couple.

I've been on my own for over 2 years, and I still miss him, but the him I miss wasn't the real him.

Thought I'd chime in as you're not alone in feeling that way.

I was this way for nearly 2 years. I was happy but had this constant feeling of emptiness. I can't really describe it. Then one day, he turned up crying at my door. I would've done anything for that to happen but when it did, I realised why we didn't work before. We are mature now and we are actually really good friends but I don't want him in that way anymore. I still do have that empty feeling but it is slowly fading. I think that is more due to myself, as we had an amazing connection and I don't think I'll find that with anyone else. So I'm holding myself back. But I'm working through it, slowly. It takes as long as it takes, you just have to allow yourself to process it.

I think what I miss id that contentment of knowing that someone loved me and would always love me. Like a warm glow inside me.
Reality was something else. He was an abusive cheat.

If you split up, chances are that you weren't right for each other.

It is ok to miss him, and to miss the person you were when you were with him.

@SkinnyEx

I think what I miss id that contentment of knowing that someone loved me and would always love me. Like a warm glow inside me. Reality was something else. He was an abusive cheat.

If you split up, chances are that you weren't right for each other.

It is ok to miss him, and to miss the person you were when you were with him.

You express all this messiness so well.

Being loved and being part of a loving couple is more often part of an immersive fiction, it is rarely reality.

Nothing has changed really. I am still me but scarred for life. You don't get over a bad breakup but you learn to deal with it.
Had we parted amicably, I would have nice memories.

Treasure the memories of him @Strippedbaree, but let yourself live in the here and now. Who knows what the future has in store for you, but the past has been and gone.

Thank you. Just been reading the dating thread and I understand that so well. It’s hard to find a meaningful or fulfilling romantic relationship when prospects are so bleak and dating feels so surface level. I generally feel pretty listless about it all.

I know I need to fill my life with other things and I try but I don’t get much joy from them either. No ones free to meet up very often. I could go for days maybe even a week without seeing someone that I would class as close. It’s just all so miserable.

I think it would be fairly uncommon, but what's normal is a very wide range. The unusual times we've been living in for most of that 2 years can't be helpful in terms of healing and moving on. A lot of people are more isolated and more stressed than ever before. My GP has seen a significant increase in people presenting with mental health issues, I don't know for sure but I'd be surprised if this wasn't generally true across the board.

Some hurts never do completely leave you, but they become less sharp and less immediate. It's great you're getting support, is it helping? I've recently started therapy for my emotionally abusive marriage and I find myself going over and over everything and it makes it worse, makes it feel like it the hurt happened yesterday. If you're focusing s lot on what happened and what ifs it may be more harmful than good. For me at least talking therapy is actually not helpful, you often can't really get closure on relationships and going over and over what happened can mean you keep experiencing the raw pain anew.

There are techniques in therapies like Cognitive Behaviour Therapy for helping you get out of those loops of thought. A therapist I only got to see twice as she left the practice, started me on some ACT, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, which is more focused on moving forward and getting to where you want to be. The little bit she did with me was really positive, she recommended The Happiness Trap as a good introduction to ACT.

Thank you. I just wanted to come back to this thread as I’ve still been feeling low. I just don’t think that even if the pandemic hadn’t happened I’d not be feeling this way. I really feel like I messed up my chance to have a good relationship and now it’s gone. I’m not very good at moving on and it just makes me feel so sad.