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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband tolerates me like a housemate

26 replies

OsloSkwn · 19/09/2021 09:56

Hello MN

I'm looking for some objective opinion and help with my marriage. Ive been married for 18 months together 3 years.
I'm in my 30s my husband is in his 40s and thankfully we don't have kids. I have never been in a long term relationship before this and my husband is now on his 3rd marriage with me.

I feel our relationship has collapsed. I feel like my husband has gone from an attentive, considerate loving man to someone who tolerates me. He has to lecture me and has little time for me.
He gets very annoyed at things I do that he never ever used to care about.
We argue, we cannot communicate he says I'm intolerant of him but because I feel he's shut me to off I probably am more on edge and intolerant.
We've had another row this morning on top of one we had on Wednesday when we slept in separate beds.

My husband spends most of his time saying football but when he did make the effort and bought these fun date cards (you take it in turns every week to pick and organise a date) it lasted 1 week and that was me organising something after that he's not interested.ive said I feel he's checked out but he just says so have you and that's it. He's says he does love me but it doesn't feel like that. I'm miserable.

Does this sound like the end? How can someone go from being so in love to just about tolerating me?
I am at a loss and any advice would be helpful.
I've told no one, every one thinks we have the perfect marriage.

OP posts:
Catlover1970 · 19/09/2021 13:29

It sounds horrendous to me

Joystir59 · 19/09/2021 13:33

How do you feel about him and about the situation?

SGBK4682 · 19/09/2021 13:48

Sounds like he was infatuated and now he is not. I wouldn't believe the "I love yous'. Or he was love bombing you and now you are seeing his real self.

Why did his previous marriages end?

DGFB · 19/09/2021 13:53

Never mind him tolerating you, why are you tolerating him?
Leave whirl you’re still young enough to have an amazing relationship with somebody else!
The only failure would be in staying

DogFoodPie · 19/09/2021 13:58

This is nothing against you OP, but there's a reason his first two marriages failed and maybe it was something to do with him, even if he tells you it wasn't. Maybe he is someone who gets excited by a new romance and puts a lot of effort in for a few years then loses interest and stops bothering.

MerryMarigold · 19/09/2021 14:04

I was a bit suspicious when you said he'd been married twice. Also that you had never been in a long term relationship. He sounds at best like someone who likes falling in love but not the the long term commitment. At worst, he could be a bit of a predator. I imagine someone more relationship savvy would have asked more questions about his first two marriages. He has checked out OP and it's very unfair to blame you when you are trying. You could suggest counseling but I have a feeling his heart won't be in it.

Dillydollydingdong · 19/09/2021 14:09

You're wasting your time OP

LadyLolaRuben · 19/09/2021 14:09

Dont let him put this on you. Sounds like he's treating you a certain way to engineer this response in you. The reason he's on his third marriage coukd be because of this type of behaviour. It reads like you got married after 18 months which is a very short time. They reckon its 3 years before you truly know someone. It looks like you're starting to see who he really is. I'd get out of this situation ASAP x

OrangeTortoise · 19/09/2021 14:11

Sounds like he did what he needed to get you to marry him and is now taking you for granted and has stopped making any effort Sad

girlmom21 · 19/09/2021 14:12

I'm guess he love bombed you and started to treat you like shit once you'd got married?

Was the two previous marriages vs your lack of relationship experience not a huge red flag?

It sounds miserable.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/09/2021 14:28

It sounds horrendous to me too and I would also think he love bombed you from the very early days. Your lack of any long term relationship experience made you attractive to him and he targeted you deliberately.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Start talking to trusted people; do not keep quiet here. I would seek legal advice re separation and divorce.

adultchildofalcoholicparents · 19/09/2021 14:33

I agree with PPs, talk to trusted people and be prepared to move on. This doesn't sound healthy nor sustainable for you.

Goldbar · 19/09/2021 14:40

Honestly, things aren't going to get better, especially if you end up having kids together.

Original poster
OsloSkwn · 19/09/2021 14:44

Thank you for your responses. I feel very alone and feel like I can speak to any friends because no one thinks we have any issues.

His first marriage was when he was 18 and they were childhood sweethearts which of course doesn't work when you're so young. His second wife was a big age gap and she cheated.

I know full well if we broke up he has to be in a relationship which makes me feel like we're together because he doesn't want to be alone.

I agree that it's 3 years until you properly know someone ,with hindsight I wish I'd known this.

He's become less considerate and there is no affection. He focuses on his football and he's out all weekend until midnight with football and then up again at 8am on Sunday with football again. I wouldn't mind if he gave me a cuddle in the morning or took me out on a date.
Yesterday I drove 30.mins to pick him up from drinking and I take medication to sleep so I asked him to be considerate because by the time I got to sleep it was 1am he had already passed out but I needed time for my meds to kick in.
He's up this morning at 8am loading the dishwasher which he knows wakes me up and was completely unnecessary to put on at this time. He got angry that I said it had woken me up.
He also told me he was going away in November. He used to discuss it with me and say is it ok - not that I have an issue with it but now he just says it in passing. I asked if I could come and he said if you want (well he doesn't want me there).

It's little things that are all adding up.
What do I do? Sorry for the ramble. I feel completely alone and stressed.
How do I leave the marital home/finances/ tell people?
Should I try a trial seperation and if so how do you go about it?
Thanks so much x

OP posts:
Notaroadrunner · 19/09/2021 14:44

I can't see any point in staying in this marriage. You'd be better off alone than with this horrible man.

Original poster
OsloSkwn · 19/09/2021 14:44

We are not going to have kids together.
I can have them which has effected me but he doesn't get it or understand why this would upset me

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 19/09/2021 14:48

He does sound as if he has checked out. Tbh id be quite upset with a housemate who did these things, never mind a supposed loving husband...

I try not to be too 'leave them' on here but this week seems to be that week. I think you'd both be happier apart. I'd see a lawyer and make a plan. At least you have plenty of time alone in the house to sort that stuff out...

BlackIsQueen · 19/09/2021 14:50

Seriously Op, I'm nicer to our stray cat than your husband is to you. What is the point of him. Do you think he regrets the marriage and is trying to force you to separate so that he has the appearance of the good guy?

shivermetimbers77 · 19/09/2021 14:52

I think you should see a solicitor to ask about finances and the marital home OP. It is a lot simpler to leave when you don’t have kids though. Don’t worry about what will happen when you tell people - in my experience people are a lot more understanding about breakups than you think they will be (and if they aren’t then, we’ll, it’s none of their business anyway!) Good luck!

Bananarama21 · 19/09/2021 14:53

Hes on his 3rd marriage for a reason op. I'd walk away sounds miserable.

RantyAunty · 19/09/2021 14:55

There are plenty of men out there who marry to have a woman facilitate their lives.
I hope you don't have a lot of money invested in this arsehole.

Notaroadrunner · 19/09/2021 14:55

I wouldn't bother with a trial separation. He's already checked out of the marriage. I bet you do all the household chores. He probably just wanted a live in maid. Now that he has that, he's free to live his life as though he's still single, spending weekends doing whatever he wants.

Do you have your own bank account and money? I'd aim to leave while he's away in November. Let him have a shock when he gets back, not that he'll probably care though. Between now and then get some legal advice as to how to sort out finances when you split. Unless either of you can afford to buy the other out, your home will probably need to be sold, assuming it's jointly owned. Can you move in with family until you can find someplace to rent/buy? You may as well tell someone you can trust as you will need support to get away from him.

adultchildofalcoholicparents · 19/09/2021 14:59

@shivermetimbers77

I think you should see a solicitor to ask about finances and the marital home OP. It is a lot simpler to leave when you don’t have kids though. Don’t worry about what will happen when you tell people - in my experience people are a lot more understanding about breakups than you think they will be (and if they aren’t then, we’ll, it’s none of their business anyway!) Good luck!
Agreed with the above - get a recommendation for a decent solicitor if you know someone who has been through a divorce.

Even people with decent looking marriages are all too often concealing misery so you might find that the people you tell will be rather more sympathetic or empathetic than you think.

Eviethyme · 19/09/2021 15:07

to be honest .. the fact that he married a 3rd person so soon with 2 failed marriages its kind of wierd....

Not like you had been together 5 /10 years or had kids together so it is wierd in my opinion

fairislecable · 19/09/2021 15:08

Before you give up on this marriage try counselling, either together (if possible), or alone.

This should clarify your thoughts on what you want and then you can decide to stay or go.

If you just leave at this point you will always wonder if there was something to work on.

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