Low Sex Drive

[Ssssshh]

Is it normal?

My partner and I have been together for 6 years now, and obviously we had much more sex early on in the relationship, but generally I just have a really low sex drive and I always have.

I know he wants me to initiate sex more and to be more wild and playful in the bedroom, but it just isn't me and I don't want to fake it.

We have sex once or twice a week, in different positions and places around the house, but always initiated by him. We also use a few sex toys and we are going shopping for some sexy bras and knickers I can wear everyday, to see if that makes me feel more sexy. I make sure I never decline his advances because I know his self confidence can be fragile, but the one or two times a week is enough for me.

Whenever we talk about it, it just makes me feel really inadequate. I know he doesn't want me to feel inadequate, but I also know I can't fulfil his appetite sexually.

The rest of the relationship is great and I don't want this to turn into a wedge that breaks us up, what can I do to boost my sex drive?

I should also say we are in our 30s with no kids (we aren't using any contraception, but aren't actively trying to conceive any more either - what will be will be).

@Ssssshh after 6 years, once or twice a week is plenty! I don’t think anything needs boosting from you!

Normal is different for everyone, but just consider this, currently your sex life is in your husbands hands, so to speak, so if he stop initiating (for whatever reason) your sex life would stop, if your okay with that, then I don’t think you anything to worry about

Once or twice a week after 6 years sounds pretty decent to me.

You do come across quite passive and that your sex life is completely in your DP’s hands.

Your sex drive doesn’t need boosting, unless you actually feel you have a medical condition which is suppressing your hormones or making you especially tired? E.g. thyroid issues, iron deficiency etc..

Are you physically close in other ways? Do you ever hug, kiss, hold hands, sit closely where sex isn’t then initiated or expected?

Does he pull his weight equally around the home? Resentment can be a real turn off if you’re doing everything.

Not using contraception and taking a passive ‘what will be..’ approach also sounds very dumb and passive. If you’re questioning compatibility pre-kids, due to sex drive mismatch, do you honestly think this will get better if you bring a baby into the situation?

I'm definitely not questioning our compatability, we get on really well in all other respects.

I've never been a kissy, cuddly person but it is something I've been working on since he's flagged that he would like me to be more physical in expressing my emotions. I also told him that I felt like he wanted to turn it into sex every time I wanted just a kiss or a cuddle - sometimes just snuggling up together is nice too right???

In terms of trying for a baby, we have actively tried in the past and have sneaking suspicions we can't conceive naturally. We are both content to just be us and not have children together but if a baby comes along in due course that'll just be a bonus for us (probably not worded right, but it is how we feel). The pressure of trying to have a baby because we thought it was the right thing to do was not good for me!

My other half is absolutely my other half and I love him dearly, I just worry that he doesn't get everything he needs or wants from me.

I think you have to own your own sexual identity more clearly.

You are a low libido person. You have to spell that out. You have to spell out that it will never be more than twice a week. And indeed once a week may be your preference.

If you prefer vanilla sex (like many people!) then spell that out too.

You seem to be feeling inadequate and apologetic. Why?? There's nothing wrong with you just the way you are!!

If he wants someone kinkier, then he needs to examine that himself. But he needs to know 100% who you are.

In these situations there's often an element of the Low Libido person future faking or being rather vague about just how LL they are. Because society tells them there is something wrong with them. So the High Libido person delude themselves that it's going to improve if he just finds the magic key (Like sexy underwear for example).

It's unfair to both of you and corrosive to your relationship. He has to know who you are. You have to know who you are, and own it.

Then he can decide whether its enough. But you can't go on like this, twisting yourself into apologetic Knots to be HIS idea of a sexual person.

Once or twice a week is not a low amount, it's probably average for most couples in an LTR. As a man myself I can say that it is easy for a cuddle to lead to arousal and that can sometimes be a reason for avoiding physical contact. My DW is a very cuddly person and of course I want her to feel loved in this way so we cuddle often. If I get aroused and she doesn't want to take things further she's happy for me to sort myself out, which is fine by me, better that than frustration for me or no cuddles for her.

You cant keep forcing yourself to have sex you don't want to make him happy. You need to spell out that you don't want sex this often and then he can decide what he wants to do about it. You clearly aren't happy about this situation so you need to put a stop to it.

If you could choose, honestly, hand on heart how often would you like to have sex?

@Anothernick

Once or twice a week is not a low amount, it's probably average for most couples in an LTR. As a man myself I can say that it is easy for a cuddle to lead to arousal and that can sometimes be a reason for avoiding physical contact. My DW is a very cuddly person and of course I want her to feel loved in this way so we cuddle often. If I get aroused and she doesn't want to take things further she's happy for me to sort myself out, which is fine by me, better that than frustration for me or no cuddles for her.

Not every erection needs someone to "sort it out".

OP his erections are not your problem

Once/twice a week and together six years! I think that’s bloody amazing in terms of quantity. I don’t know if he is, but your partner shouldn’t make you feel bad for not having more sex. For most couples this is plenty. Don’t have sex you don’t want.

We only did it about twice/ three times a month at 6 years your lucky 😂 my guy is one with low sex drive

I make sure I never decline his advances because I know his self confidence can be fragile

What would happen if you said no?