Sick of being bossed around

[CherryCupcake]

DH won't let me buy a black christmas tree. I know they're not to everyones taste but I really want one and so do the kids. I said I would pay for it and buy nice decorations, purple and silver to still make it look pretty but he said he's "putting his foot down" and I can't get one. My friend said she would go out and buy one out of spite but my mum thinks I'm being stupid and that he's right.

He also won't let me buy my son some boots that he wants. Even though I said I would pay for them myself he thinks they're "chavvy" and has said I can get them over his dead body.

If I want to decorate it has to be all to his taste. I couldnt get the car I wanted as he didn't like it. He doesn't like my coat and constantly says I look 50 in it and that I should get a nicer one.

I feel like I'm living with parents. Going back to the christmas tree...what do I do? I know it sounds petty and unimportant but why should me and the kids go without when it will be ME buying it and me and the kids putting it up? I'm sick of the old christmas tree.

oh dear - sounds like you are heading for a very merry xmas.

Any chance of a comprimise? Could you not have 2 trees?

I try every year to be tasteful but the kids always get their way and we have tack again (but then isnt that what its all about anyway) I am already sick of the glitter fallout from the pictures sent home from nursery.

It sounds as if your H is not really happy about much though - and that says more about him to be honest.

This isn't about the christmas tree is it or the other things? This is about you feeling that your husband wants to control you (or is able to).

You can choose what to spend your money on, but you can't make him like it. Equally if you have chosen something (the coat) for yourself, your husbands opinion of it shouldn't matter.

You need to talk with your husband about why he is so against the new tree (perhaps he feels it is an unecessary expense, extravegant or that it doesn't reflect his perhaps traditional feelings about christmas).

You could still choose to buy the tree, but you can't make him like it and you may then have to accept that Christmas may be a little spoilt.

I'd agree with scattyspice that you need to talk to him. To be honest I wouldn't chose a Christmas tree that I knew DH hated, nor would I expect him to chose one I hated - I'd try to find something we both liked. And if we happen to both be shopping for stuff for DD neither of us would try to force the other to buy something they really didnt' like. There's enough choice out there to find something we are both happy with.

Christmas is a funny time - people often have very strong views about the 'right' way to do Christmas - what to eat, what to give, how to decorate, timing of presents etc. These are often based on their own childhood christmases and can be very difficult to overcome.

Having said that if your H is constantly trying to control what you buy and what you wear that's another matter. I'm happy to compromise becuase I know DH is too and that we respect each other's wishes. If he expected me to just go along with his choices I'd be less easy going.

my fiance is similar but not as bad, we have a 6 week old daughter together and have been together 2 years all though he doesnt say you cant go out you cant see your friends he does little things to make me feel guilty - its emotional abuse, i love him and things are gettin better but still not great. if i go to town for baby milk or nappys when hes at work he accuses me of cheating. i just ignore it now, he wont change completly and i cant make him but i love him to bits and besides his jelousy and insecurity hes a great guy. by the way i also liked a black christmas tree but we cant afford a tree at all this year so ive got no hope of getting it

Do what you and the kids want - why does he have to like it? If he's not buying it and decorating it, why is it up to him?

Four words.

Mind Your Own Business

Your coat is not his business, a Christmas tree he has no interest in except to veto is not his business, your car is not his business, clothes you buy for your son are not his business ... you are his wife, not a housekeeper. Too many men fail to see the distinction.

That's funny, AlixLeah, because he doesn't sound like a great guy, he sounds like a dickhead.

I agree with colditz Alix, he does sound like a dickhead.

its all a bit confusin to me i dnt know why hes being like this its just since i got pregnant hes been acting like this all though we both wanted our daughter from the start so it cant be resentment. and he already has another daughter whos 4 yrs old so its not like he was out all the time and me or the baby have stopped that he never went out much anyway.

Does he resent the attention that you give to the baby (and not to him) do you think?

AlixLeah

He certainly does not sound like a great guy to me either.

You may love him but he is not treating you in a loving way is he?. Emotional abuse often escalates. One of many problems with emotional abuse is that the victim gets so worn down, you sound both unhappy and downtrodden.

Your daughter is only six weeks old but as she gets older she will pick up on your unhappiness. By turn what will you teach her about relationships, that this type of behaviour by your fiance is somehow acceptable.
Infact what will you both teach her?.

I suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. He is controlling you - you are becoming more isolated from yoru family and friends. Also he's accusing you of cheating whe you go into town!!. There are so many red flags here - it is up to you ultimately whether you stay or go. I know what option I would choose.