Relationship advice, what to do? Confused!

[Wallflowermeadow]

My partner and I have been together 10 years and half a 2 year old. I am not sure whether I want to stay in this relationship. I have anxiety which I have struggled with since being a child. It has become pretty severe as I've gotten older and I am currently recievening counselling. My partner really struggles to understand it, for a long times now I cannot seem to express how I feel when my anxiety is high without him instantly getting upset with me because of my tone of voice or the fact I'm frustrated either with him a a certain situation. I need his support but we usually end up having a massive argument which can last hours as he will not listen to me and tells me I'm being horrible, that I cannot act this way and treat him like this even though I have tried to explain multiple time how my anxiety has an effect on my emotions and this can be hard to control. I always apologise if I act this way but we are stuck in a pattern and I am constantly being blamed for not having control over my anxiety or emotions as he does. We are completely different, I am an emotional extrovert and he is a chilled introvert which at times can work but I'm not sure how much it is working anymore and how much more I can stand being told off for my anxiety and being made to feel like a bad person when I'm trying my hardest just to get through the day sometimes. I am confused in what to do as we do have a child but I can't keep feeling so bad about myself and worrying every month that I'm going to upset him because I'm having an anxious day. Please help as I am really struggling.....

Do you know where your anxiety stems from in terms of your childhood? Is there a possibility that your Partner is not just exacerbating it, but also causing it?

I ask because I had similar experiences with a previous relationship (though no prior anxiety). I thought it was something wrong with me but in reality his behaviour was causing it. When we split (with two young children), my anxiety almost disappeared. Not to make light of your situation of course, just considering if the relationship has taken over as the root cause?

he will not listen to me and tells me I'm being horrible, that I cannot act this way and treat him like this even though I have tried to explain multiple time how my anxiety has an effect on my emotions and this can be hard to control

Well, how are you treating him? Are you shouting, being abusive?

He sounds very controlling OP.

As far as I can remember I've always been a nervous kid. My parents argued a lot and were drinkers, especially my dad who could also become very violent. This got worse as I got older until my mum left him when I was 17. He then commuted suicide a year later which I am also in counselling for....
I am not completely sure if he is exacerbating it, I've started to think so just because I've become so nervous in the way I am around him, I feel like I'm checking my every move and he also seems to think that I treat him this way because I don't care as much.... Surely we shouldn't just stay together because we have a child.

The arguments tend to start because I have told him I'm feeling anxious that day for whatever reason and that I need help or need his support, he will then try to suggest options that don't include him and I have to deal with it alone. This then upsets me and I can become frustrated. Hee gets upset that I can see he is trying to help and then when I try to explain that that isn't what I need he takes it personally and then we end up spiralling into an argument where we just but heads. We don't name call but it can end up becoming loud. The main problem he says is my tone of voice and the fact I get upset so easily with him, even if things have been fine 10 mins ago.... I asked if he could be more supportive and he said that he shouldn't have to put himself second...

I'm just starting to think this too as it's very subtle. He will often say things to make me feel guilty, for example when I go out with the girls he will say things like oh so you're leaving me or what am I supposed to do on my own and then when I say can't you tell me to have fun, he tells me he's just joking and I should know that?

It doesn’t sound as though he’s very supportive of you or wants to look after you as he should do.

What help or support can he give you when you’re feeling anxious? If you’re asking him to not go out when he’s planned to or to change his day around regularly then I can see that being frustrating for him. How do you manage it on your own? He should be supportive but as he isn’t, if you break up then you need some strategies to cope by yourself

No that's how I feel, sometimes I just need his support. It's not social anxiety so I don't ask him to change plans etc as I'm fine out with people or crowds, it's mainly in new or strange situations or with confrontation. I'm doing my best to manage it alone as I know it is something that I have to deal with, I have done stress courses, tried medication, currently having weekly counselling to go through steps to deal with it which is helping. I don't ask him to change plans or move his days around tbh at all, he's a stay at home dad and teaches Martial Arts which he's always wanted to do, I am very supportive of this. A good example is last week it was our daughters first day at nursery, as he is the stay at home dad he's done the induction etc and I had no been yet. In the morning he asked if I could take her in on my own, I was already struggling with her going obv she's my first and it's hard. I asked if he could come and support me for the first time and he said no I have to do it alone and deal with it. When I explained how anxious I felt and that I really just needed him to be there and no suggest things, he got annoyed that I was getting so upset over it and not just using one of the 'helpful' suggestions he'd offered. Then we ended up having another argument... Sometimes I feel like I'm mainly coping with it myself already...

It's becomes hard when we argue as I can struggle to get my words/thoughts out so he will often fill in the gaps with what he thinks is the answer and often when I do start speaking he will, talk over me or say no. I've tried to explain that I hate the way I am when I'm anxious and that I am trying my best and that I always feel very bad for letting it effect things so much at times but he seems to think I like treating him this way. He always says that because he can control his emotions that I should be able to, when he can't he often blames me for pushing him to that point because I've made his emotions so intense but when I've tried to explain that this is what my anxiety does to me he just doesn't seem to think that's a good enough reason or that I'm just using it as an excuse....

I don’t think he seems like a good partner for you at all given your updates. He isn’t supportive: you may as well be dealing with it all alone with him as your partner

He doesn’t sound particularly supportive but he asked you a favour because he didn’t have time, so your request that he accompany you to do the the thing he didn’t have time to do would be difficult to accommodate.

The arguments tend to start because I have told him I'm feeling anxious that day for whatever reason and that I need help or need his support, he will then try to suggest options that don't include him and I have to deal with it alone.

Do you articulate in plain English what support you’re looking for and are you working on finding ways of supporting yourself? Secondly, why does he have to be a part of the solution?

I have an anxious relative and her anxiety can be exhausting and I sometimes get frustrated that I’m expected to accommodate her anxiety, while she’s blissfully unaware of the impact her expectations have on me. I don’t offer alternative solutions anymore because she just gets snippy and I’m told it’s easier for me to do x, y and z and I’m being unsupportive I’d I don’t. I can’t imagine what living with anxiety is like but living with someone who suffers from it isn’t easy either.

It sounds like in addition to both your individual issues, your communication and putting yourself in the position of the other is pretty poor.

Like a pp has said, your communication and empathy seems to be stuck. And when you are both in this cycle your daughter will be picking up on it, no matter how hard you try to conceal it. At the very least you both won't be fully present for her.
Is it possible for you to get some time apart? That may help you see the wood from the trees.

@KintsugiForever
Yes this is definitely true and she most definitely is picking up on it which is very unhealthy I am aware of, for everyone included.
That is what I have been thinking but I'm unsure how to approach this. He's the type of person that doesn't think breaks work and I don't want him to become defensive when I bring it up, I know there is no good way to say how I'm feeling about us but I want us to try and have a conversation as oppose to an argument!

Space doesn't need to be a break...it sounds like you need to release the tension in the household. Can someone take your daughter for a day so you can both go somewhere and spend time away from your home, enjoy your time together and talk in a less pressured environment?

Talking will be easier if you are in a calmer frame of mind. Think of a few key points you really want to discuss, but approach it with empathy and what you want to fix, rather than what he/you are doing wrong.