Childhood abuse - possible TW

[rbdash]

NC for this. I apologise in advance if this turns out to be very long.

When I was a child, my half brother came to live with us from another country. I was about 4, he was about 17. Over the course of the 3 years he lived with us, he sexually abused me and possibly my older brother. We have never spoken about it. I just remember he was there on one occasion.

Then he left to go and live in another country and I don't think I really thought about it much until I was a teenager. And I did struggle but never told anyone and kind of made it through my teenage years fairly well, considering. He then came to visit us when I was 18. He acted very much like nothing had happened but I wasn't comfortable in his presence. I still didn't say anything and he left and I carried on with life.

Fast forward to a few years ago when I had my DC. He came to visit. I said nothing and it was a living hell having him near my baby but I bit my lip and told myself it was only temporary.

DC has just had a birthday and he has sent presents for DC, presents that DC loves. DC keeps talking about Uncle * and it is breaking me. I just want to say fuck off out of my life.

So he is my mother's son, not my father's. He calls my father 'Dad', which I hate. I am not sure my father views him in the same was he does my full brother but he has definitely taken on the father role. I have never said anything, partly through shame and embarrassment. But also, because I can't bear to put my parents through that. My dad would back me 100%. I'm sure my mum would too, but I would never want her to have to choose between her children. And I wouldn't want to put that strain on their marriage.

Everytime he comes back into my life, I vow this will be the last time but then I never do anything about it because he lives so far away that, day to day, he doesn't even enter my mind. But after this recent birthday, I feel very strongly that I don't want him to be any part of my DC's life.

He follows me on a social media platform. I don't follow him back. But as he follows me, I can send him a message. I have drafted a message to send which is along the lines of - I can only assume you think I don't remember what happened, but I do. I need to cut you out of my life. I don't wish you any harm, I don't want to tell anyone what happened, but I have to ask you to leave me and DC alone from this point onwards. I am going to block you as I do not want to get into a dialogue about this.

So I've drafted it, but I am too scared to send it. I am scared of what happens if I do. All these years, I have been in some kind of control by keeping it to myself. It hasn't been good for me and I have really suffered, even though I have managed to have some kind of "normal" life on the face of it. I was sexually assaulted on two occasions and never told anyone because I felt so ashamed - perhaps because of what has happened as a child. But in the same way, I kept control by not telling anyone. I am scared that he will receive this message and harm himself. I know some or many may think that he deserves no less but I couldn't live with the guilt that would come with that, nor could I bear to see my mother hurt in that way. Or I am scared he will mention it to my mother in a kind of wtf is rbdash talking about, and deny everything. And then my parents ask me what is going on. I would think that response is unlikely but there is that possibility. I am scared of not being in control of this horrible dirty secret I've kept for so long. But I also don't want to have to be in control of it anymore. I'm tired. I just want to live my life on my terms and not have this hanging over me.

I'm sorry this is so long. I'm not sure what I am even asking. Thank you for reading.

Send it. Be strong. What’s he going to do? Do you live with your parents so that you see him when he visits them? If not, you can make excuses to not see him, hopefully.

No I don't live with them but I live nearby. I see them several times a week as they are very involved with DC. It's not so much about seeing him, as I've only seen him 3 times since I was a child.

You're right, I need to be strong and just send it. For some reason, I feel very guilty about it though. I'm lucky that I grew up with my two parents who loved me and I have my own family now. He doesn't have that. I don't understand why that bothers me, I really wish it didn't but it does.

He is not going to go to your parents, especially if he also did something to your brother, as he knows your parents will find out the truth.

Send the message, block him and move on with your life in a way that works for you.

I personally would speak up, he could be doing this to other children, does he have children?

Sorry to hear about what you went though.

You could lengthen the message and add something along the lines of 'If you do go ahead and tell mum and dad this, then be prepared because I will tell them exactly what you put me through. I'm only sending you this msg because I want to keep my DC safe and far away from you as possible."

That should take one scenario off your mind. If he does tell your parents, then you will be willing to tell all. Focus on your main priority (your children) you are keeping them safe, if he harms himself, then that's not on you, if word gets out then so be it. You have been carrying this burden for so long and you are still protecting the ones around you, even the abuser.

I would send the msg, it's simply telling him, you know what he did, and he should back up. Please don't feel sorry for his family set up, that wasn't down to you. The fact of the matter is you were sexually abused by him when you were young and you need to keep him away from your kids.

Please consider some form of therapy, it seems like you have buried all your feelings and hurt and are blaming your own self. You are not to blame, not in when you were 4, not ever.

Sending hugs.

Can't add more than what others have said. Please send it with the extra bit SunsetOnTheHorizon said.
Then block and get on with your life. You have done nothing wrong.
Please seek counselling too. Believe me it will really help

I would tell your parents, they deserve to know the truth about why you want him to disappear from your lives. Your mum won’t be choosing between her children - she’ll be choosing the one she failed to protect from an abuser. I also wouldn’t put it past this sick paedo to try to do something pre-emptive to try to get your parents to doubt your story. Especially as you don’t know that your brother will be able to confirm it or not.

Before you tell your parents though, I would report this to the police. They will be able to take a statement from you that will be unclouded from any memories or disclosures your parents may have. This man needs to be stopped so that he doesn’t hurt any more children. Do you think that you were his only victim in the decades since? He seems to be starting to groom your child too.

Thank you for your replies. He has no children, I don't believe he is doing this to other children either. I can't be certain, of course. I hope with every part of me that I am right.

I have reworded my message, thank you for your input @sunsetonthehorizon .

I am hovering over the copy and paste button to send it. I've always had this feeling at the back of my mind of 'what if I have made this whole thing up in my head? Could I have these awful images in my head of it happening because it's me that's messed up and not him?' And I begin to convince myself it didn't happen. But there's 3 or 4 very vivid images I have and I just don't know how I can have them if I didn't experience them. I wish I could speak to my full brother about it but I'm scared of how catastrophic that could actually be.

Because of timezones, if I send it now he will receive and see it now but then I will have a sleepless night worrying about what I've done. If I send it in the morning, he won't see it for several hours until he wakes up which gives me the day to keep busy and hopefully come to terms with finally saying something.

Thank you for listening. I do think I will send this message in the morning and will most likely be back for a handhold straight after.

Please do come back once you have sent it. You have images in your mind, it cannot be a figment of your imagination.

All these years of over thinking has made you doubt this whole thing even happened. Again, some form of therapy will really help you to address these issues and start your journey towards healing.

Just keep focused on why you are doing this. X

I'm so sorry @rbdash for what you've been through.

It's striking how much you are thinking about what his reaction will be. Will he hurt himself? Will he tell your parents? What time of day will he read it?

Try to remember that you are sending this only for yourself (if you want to) and how you will feel if you send it. How he reacts is irrelevant and unimportant. It just doesn't matter whether he remembers doing it, lies about it, feels guilty about it or denies everything. That's not why you're pressing send is it?

As soon as you send it then block him from everything and try to cut his feelings from your mind as well as your life.

I really suggest you don't send it until you have proper, probably professional, support.

You need to be mentally prepared in advance for the usual abuser tactics of deny, minimize, shame, blame. These can be devastating if you're not prepared for them.

rbdash

I can imagine exactly how you feel right now (if you search my username my story is there).

I can also completely relate to how you're concerned about how this will all pan out in real life if you choose to confront him and/or your brother and/or parents.

For me confronting my abuser wasn't an option as i didn't know where he was. But I also couldn't face asking my sister for her recollections about certain things in our childhood.

I too had a voice in my head questioning if i made it all up. I spent decades of my life trying to persuade myself it didn't actually happen.

I eventually couldn't take another sleepless night and went to the police in order to finally get some control over the situation.

I am just some random person on the internet - I can't tell you what to do to make this any better. I wish I could. But I did just want to let you know that I believe you.

I hope whatever decisions you make help you to find some peace.

Thank you for your kind words and support. I have sent the message this morning and blocked on all social media platforms. I was shaking and my heart was racing for a while after I sent it, but I feel calmer now. I already feel like this weight on my shoulders is beginning to lift.

I have had therapy in the past year, which has led me to this point. I didn't go into detail about what happened but it was enough to make me realise I need to show my 5 year old self love and kindness.

@Boiledbeetle I can't even begin to imagine how awful this has been for you, not only what happened but how you were repeatedly let down by those who should have protected you. My situation is not as hard as yours has been but it means a lot to have your support, knowing you can relate in some way. I do hope you are ok?

After writing this last night, I went to bed thinking about how I've told myself I never said anything to kind of keep control of the situation, but when I read it back and seeing your comments, I realised he has been controlling me this whole time by me pretending nothing happened. And you were right, I don't need to be concerned about how he reacts because he put himself in that position all those years ago, not me.

I'm open to receiving therapy again but I think I will just take one day at a time for now. It sounds silly but I do feel like this is the beginning of the rest of my life now. It's not over, I know our paths may cross in the future - when my parents die for example, with their funerals etc. But that's not something I will not concern myself with for now.

Over the years, the idea of going to the police has crossed my mind but I also know it's his word against mine, my family be will dragged into it, and the country it happened in is not the country I live in now and he lives in a different country now too so it feels like it would be a lot of heartache for an unlikely positive outcome. I am not confident I would be strong enough to put myself through that.

Thank you again, kind strangers on the Internet. You've given me the courage I needed to do something I have wanted to do for so long and it means more than you could imagine.

@rbdash morning OP.

So you've sent the email. Well done you. It's given you, hopefully, a feeling of power over this whole situation. And I'm glad you've blocked him. Let the scumbag read it and then he can inwardly implode when he realises he can't reply to defend/deny his actions.

Try not to dwell on whether he read it, how he's reacting etc. Easier said than done I know.

I do think you should reward yourself today with something just for you, whether that be food, drink, an item you've coveted or just a nice walk round the block. You've been massively brave and that should be rewarded.

I do think some decent therapy will help, however a book I found immensely helpful when I was at the stage you are is "Counselling Adult Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse" Third Edition by Christiane Sanderson. It's a large weighty tome, and isn't cheap but it really helped me work through a lot of stuff and gave me a much greater understanding of how the childhood abuse affected me through my life.

Right I need more tea. Three cups is not enough!

Wanders off to kitchen.