What to do about my mother’s nasty comments ?

[Mimosa20]

I used to get on with my mum pretty well up until I was in my mid 20’s when I went to therapy and started acting differently, or I guess, standing up for myslef and not pleasing my mum. Since then it’s been rocky; lots of better times spread with bad ones when we have an an argument beceasue of something very insignificant where my mum becomes insulted and turns it against me and becomes a martyr. Unless I apologies (for something I haven’t done) it can go days or weeks until she contacts me as if nothing has happened.

I have a sister who she clearly favorises right now. Speaks in a different tone and is more tolerant of her. Today when I commented; I’ve been feeling really allergic in the mornings’ and she said ‘it’s probably me’ out of the blue when we were having coffee with my sister. She has also sent me text messages out of the blue indicating how much I hate her, my family and friends; and I have no idea why she wants to be so mean to to me.

I don’t know what to do but it hurts.

It sounds like you got on well while you were agreeing with her / being a people-pleaser. So she was happy while you were doing what she wanted and not challenging her.

This is her problem not yours. Well done for getting therapy and for learning to stand up for yourself. That will stand you in good stead throughout life, not just with your mother.

Can you distance yourself a bit? She clearly has some issues and wants to be a martyr. It's probably thrown her that she had this subservient daughter for years and suddenly the daughter has stopped pandering to you. So she's trying to guilt you back in to your box.

Don't fall for it. Don't apologise when you've done nothing wrong. If you apologise, it just reinforces to her that her poor behaviour gets the results she wants. It will just make her steadily worse. If you can, spell it out clearly - and always calmly - that you have done nothing wrong and won't apologise.

Seek support elsewhere. Build on your friendships. Nurture the good ones. Then it will become less important that your relationship with your mum isn't what you would have chosen.

*stopped pandering to her

How often do you speak to your mother? You can cut that right down, for a start. If she wants to ignore you for weeks, then let her. If she sends you messages that state you hate her, tell her that said messages are unacceptable.

You need to stand up for yourself, set clear boundaries and stop seeking parental approval. You don’t need it.

Be very less available..
Respond to texts when it suits you.
Any abusive phone calls you hang up.
The diet of less information so she has no fuel to explode at you about.
If she strops off then let her.
My dm flounced.
For 10 years!!
Twas bliss!!

This might come as a surprise to you but you are talking about the dynamics of an abusive relationship.

It is common for toxic parents to favor one child over the other. And to make you feel like you are somehow bad/wrong/cold/overreacting ect...

It might be worthwhile for you to read up on the scapegoat vs golden child dynamic (when a narcissist acts like they favor one person -often a sibling- over another).

People eith narcissists (npd) and similar as parents often grow up to date abusive partners and accept similar bullies in other aspects of their life. Until they learn what has been happening at least.

The more you can distance yourself from this person, the better. She does not want good things for you. I know it can be hard to believe that about a mother. But please, know that her shut behaviour is not a reflection on you, but a result if her own sick, disorderd personalty.

Protect yourself, step away. And learn all you can about toxic people and toxic parenting.