Was I raped?(possible trigger)

[MrsBerthaRochester]

Another thread has me questioning something that happened a couple of years ago.
I invited a guy over. We had met on a well known hook up site and had sex 3 or 4 times prior. He liked rough sex and had asked for anal. I made it clear that was a hard no for me.
Having sex in doggy position and he is going hard when he slips out and then puts it in my anus. I screamed as it was agony and asked him to leave but he spent the next half hour apologising and i think trying to distract me with small talk. I did have sex with him but i really just wanted him to leave.
I was very upset and phoned samaritans but that was terrible to.
Im having counselling at the moment for other issues and i have found myself thinking about this invicident a lot. As im making it more than it was?

Do you think it was done on purpose or an accident?

Oh my darling. You were definitely sexually assaulted. You told him no. You are not making it more than it was. Please report this man to the site, if you are able.

In the long run, please get off hook up sites. I am not victim blaming you- if you want casual sex, you have the right to have those needs met with those who will be respectful and kind to you, but you are clearly not in a good place at the moment as you go through your counselling. The men on these sites are not nice. They use them as free prostitution and therefore care little about your well-being or in the worst cases…your consent. These total fucking degenerates do not deserve to be intimate with you

I really hope your counselling is helpful.

Please, please, please don’t feel like you are making this a big deal. It is a big deal.

I know you said this was a couple of years ago…but still. I wish you all the best in your healing

i heard a discussion on womens' hour a few years ago where one seemingly nice middle class young man said most of his peers all wanted to do this, and kind of got points among each other if they duped their partners by pretending it was a mistake in the heat of the moment.
they will then apologise, sound concerned, horrified blah blah.
then go back and laugh with their pals, at another score.
they got points as to how soon they could achieve this, esp with steady partners who had made it clear it was totally unacceptable.

I remember with some inexperienced men having to say 'wrong hole' several times in my youth. But usually because they were lightly skirting the territory. Never because they'd jammed anything up there. Which I would class as assault rather than rape personally. But still, not on, obviously.

What do you feel op? Does it seem like it was deliberate?

In future, I would avoid anyone who asks for 'rough sex' when you barely know them as you just dont know if they could turn out to be violent. Rough sex should only be for people you trust as it's a risky practice even when their is rapport and respect.

But you were clear what was not ok and he violated those boundaries whether on accident or not. Dont see him again.

Yes, it was rape.

You didn’t give consent, in fact you even said no very clearly. No confusion. No ‘oops’.

He’s a rapist.

It's an entire genre of pornography, search term: wrong hole anal.

I'm sorry, I doubt it was a mistake and I doubt the pain he caused you was accidental. Glad you're working through it in therapy.

Just to add that the search terms often include 'ouch' or 'hurts' or 'painful'.

He knew excately what he was doing I'm so sorry op

@Bananarama21

He knew excately what he was doing I'm so sorry op

you are clearly not in a good place at the moment as you go through your counselling. The men on these sites are not nice. They use them as free prostitution and therefore care little about your well-being or in the worst cases…your consent

All of this.

I'm quite old now. It was never like this 40, 50 years ago.
What has happened with men...
This is so very upsetting - what women have to navigate these days.

@MrsBerthaRochester - you were indeed raped. I hope you can put this behind you. I'm not sure how one would guard against this happening again, other than not have sex until you're sure it's a serious relationship. But given today's expectations, this may not be as easy as it used to be when I was young.

@alexdgr8

i heard a discussion on womens' hour a few years ago where one seemingly nice middle class young man said most of his peers all wanted to do this, and kind of got points among each other if they duped their partners by pretending it was a mistake in the heat of the moment. they will then apologise, sound concerned, horrified blah blah. then go back and laugh with their pals, at another score. they got points as to how soon they could achieve this, esp with steady partners who had made it clear it was totally unacceptable.

This is disgusting @alexdgr8

I want to weep at those women, and the who stayed with men like that afterwards. I'm imagining that it wouldn't be the last time they tried this either, and those women would probably end up traumatised. Such a contempt and disregard for women.

Weep for*

No OP - you're not making it more than it was. Just because you haven't collapsed in on yourself, doesn't make what he did less bad.

It's likely gave you the illusion of choice knew exactly what he was going to do.

I can believe it was agony. The anus is not meant to be stretched like that. I really don't care about what fans of anal sex say about this. That part of anatomy is meant to pass out poo, not have something hard and stiff in it, and to attempt this without you being ready for it is just beyond.

'Rough sex' - might as well read 'Violence against women thrills me'. It's been glamourised by 50 Shades of Grey but those guys are bad fucking news.

My sympathies to you OP 💐

To answer one of the questions no I never had sex with him again after that time although we did still occasionally chat.
At the time i kind of gave him benefit of doubt that it was accidental but it definately wasnt.
Im unsure if bringing it up in counselling with actually help me though? I know so many women been through far worse.

This happened to me too. More than once. Wrong hole excuse was used as well. It felt like an assault but he somehow convinced me it wasn't and like a mug I was made to feel i making too much of it. I also never post but this hit me like a ton of bricks. I wish you well in your healing x