I’m clutching at straws a bit here by posting on mn. But I’m reaching the point where I probably need some outside views because I am a bloody mess and have been a mess for a long time.
I met my best friend when we were at uni, 20 years ago now. He had a girlfriend I had a boyfriend but we went on to live in the same city and work in the same job, so we remained extremely close. We both split up with uni partners and respectively got together with others, me first.
Unfortunately I married a really horrendous man, and spent 10 years being slowly ground down by his emotional and sometimes physical abuse, I walked on egg shells and was scared almost all of the time, my friend got together with a woman and immediately had a child within 6 months.
So fast forward and after 10 years we ended up getting very close one night and both admitted that we loved each other very much, he had supported me always and me vice versa in his apparently deeply unhappy marriage.
In a way for me it was the impetus I needed to leave my marriage and I did straight away. And have lived on my own ever since, but the relationship with my friend just became increasingly toxic and horrible, he left 3 times over the last few years, always going back. She left him once and had an affair and then went back. And I think it’s toxic for everyone involved not just me.
But I finally managed it extract myself around a year ago when he did another leaving/going back. Which made me realise that he’s never going to do anything, and that both her and I are trapped in this misery.
So I saw him yesterday and I just went straight back to square one. And I just don’t know how to end this pattern, today I don’t even want to be on this earth anymore. I want to be with him, but as a grown up who has felt used and abused for years, I know I should move on and get on with my life. But I feel so trapped by it all. And he’s still desperately unhappy as per usual.
Even when I am doing well, and my friends are proud that I’ve managed to keep him out of my life, I screw it up and I can’t even admit it to them. I feel so ashamed that I be put up with this. That so much pain has been caused and that even worse I would take him back in a heartbeat if I thought he would want to be with me. Which is in itself pathetic of me.
Not quite sure what I’m asking for here, I’m sure very few people have made such a mess of their lives as I have.