How can I get my 18 year old daughter to be less ''enmeshed'' with me?

[E11en]

She is driving me insane. She's about to start college and i'm delighted for her. There is a zoom orientation with a final year student later today and she's already come to me for ''counselling'' a few times today. What will I do? What will i say? and I've reassured her that all she has to do is sit and listen and maybe have a list of her questions with space underneath to write in what she wants to know. She's nervous though, so i"ve reminded her that she isn't performing here! her role is to be one of a group who listens. There are going to be ice breakers and she said she doesn't know what to say, so i made a couple of suggestions and they were all mocked. I said, well then, just say you love Harry Styles and grays anatomy, don't over think it.

She wants to get her hair done Monday or Tuesday and I've had to endure about ten conversations about how much it will be, (ring and ask?!) whether or not she should transfer money from her savings in to her bank, will the hairdresser take card or cash or just cash, or just card? how long it will take to get in to town and do what she needs to do and get back.

She's also supposed to be doing drama (a long running hobby) and she was supposed to tell the drama teacher when she was free. She has made so many mountains out of this. She wants to do drama! She doesn't want to do drama! I felt bad because we'd told the teacher she was signing up again. Now she says I talked her in to it. I got so frustrated I told her I did not care whether she did drama or not, that it was her decision to do it, not do it. I do not care, but that if she bails now, I'll still feel obliged to pay the teacher. She is now stomping around the house screaming I hate you.
I just want her to make these decisions on her own. I work hard all week and I'm a single parent and when I get home, i'm so tired and i just want to relax and not be grilled and involved in every tiny decision that another adult has to make for themself.

I am the opposite of controlling. My mother was so controlling it did my head in. I wasn't allowed a perspective. I'm still not. I'm encouraging my dd to make her own decisions but she seems to need to involve me in all the thought processes along the way even though it's a long and fickle process!

ARGH! I' m too tired to endure this constantly.

Outwardly, support and encourage.
Inwardly, sigh and scream.

That's pretty much all the advice I have.

I agree with pp, but also don’t be available to help her.
Hopefully she will get some new friends so that she can ask them all these questions.

My 18 year old dd is the same. And I’m dropping her off at university tomorrow…! I expect my phone will be pinging non stop all day everyday with 100000 questions.

Have you said any of this to her, that time to learn to make decisions for herself? She needs guidance though. We don't all turn adult just because we teach a biological age. I know I was a very immature 18 year old but had to get on with it as my mum zoned out of my life. That had been profoundly damaging.

Maybe you are too too laissez faire and she needs to know you care a bit because you sound like you don't that much. She's still a kid really. Give her a hug and talk through what she needs from you.

Soon she'll be gone forever and if you loosen the reigns too much she might not be back.

Yes I have told her that she needs to trust in her own ability to make a decision. I've told her sometimes (because she's asked) ''no not crazy about those jeans, but so what'' and then she gets upset, even though I've told her that they are her jeans, she often tells me she doesn't like my clothes and I just take that as normal........

I often give her a hug! Never a day goes past without my giving her a hug.

I don't mind hugging her, I just wish I had managed to nurture a sense of trust in herself.

I don't think I'm laissez faire, I can draw a line and stand behind it. She would try and coerce me in to paying her for jobs she hasn't completed, but I am not a push over. I'm just not controlling.

i get it completely my DD is like this. she is getting better though; she is in university now and is gradually asking me less. not easy though; also a single mum - it’s v tiring!

@Bagelsandbrie

My 18 year old dd is the same. And I’m dropping her off at university tomorrow…! I expect my phone will be pinging non stop all day everyday with 100000 questions.

ha ha! yes, and your answers will all be wrong but the questions will keep coming. I'd say/hope that going away to university will really help.

I take the point that you're not instantly an adult just because you're 18!

And it's hard for me to know how I felt at this age because my mother wouldn't LET me make a decision.

@thistimelastweek

Outwardly, support and encourage. Inwardly, sigh and scream.

That's pretty much all the advice I have.

I know! I am doing this. It helps to know that I'm not alone.

I want to support her towards feeling confident that she is the best person to make decisions for her.

I do give her guidance! But she really doubts herself.

I guess I doubt myself too but I live with uncertainty now. I must say to her that sometimes you just do what you have concluded is best and then you trust that you can live with the outcome.

It is hard for me as at her age I had my mother insisting on what she thought was best. It gave me a lot of problems in my personal and professional life.

She sounds anxious. Keep supporting. She will be at Uni soon and being away will force her to grow and mature.

Empower her, rather than rescuing her.

So, rather than enduring 10 conversations about the hairdresser, and inwardly thinking 'Ring and ask?', tell her that you'll sit with her whilst she phones them, and tell her that you can't answer her questions.

You need to help her develop her independence and a stronger sense of her own identity. What you’re describing isn’t healthy in my view.

I guess i’d focus on increasing her confidence. Give her a role/responsibilities in the house. Praise her when she does well. Be careful she isn’t still living at home at 30!

It's a thing that teenagers do deliberately to provoke their parents and then they laugh about it with their mates on a whatsapp group.

Ignore.

Maybe you tried to be the opposite of your mum and went too far the other way? Kids need and want guidance and approval from their parents. If she's asking for support then support her.

My big hairy strapping 18 year old still asks me for help for certain simple things but does lots of other things himself. He makes lots of decisions but often likes to talk things through and get my take/approval before he commits.

I remember when I first had to go to the doctirs/dentist by myself as I was at uni and my parents lived far away. I hated it and when home I would ask my mum to come with me. Bearing in mind that I'd been flying to different countries by myself since being 13 years old and negotiating Heathrow.

Can you put the questions back on her rather than giving her answers? Eg 'what would you do if I wasn't here to ask?' Or rephrasing the question and asking it back to her? Eg she asks 'will I have enough time to get the bus into town for my haircut?' And instead of saying 'yes' or 'no', ask 'how long does the bus take?', 'does that give you enough time?' - sort of guide her through the thought process she needs to make a decision. I know it would be draining but if you're currently answering all her questions now, I think it's encouraging her to keep coming to you. But if you make it harder for her and put her questions back to her, it might give her that push she needs to have faith in her own thought process.

Your job isn't to teach her all these things, it's to give her the tools to do it for herself. As someone said above re hairdresser, suggest she gives them a call or message on FB and sit with her to write the message or plan the conversation so she feels confident to do it. When I was a teenager I had a real thing about talking on the phone to strangers for things like doctors appointments etc, it was much easier for my mum to do it than for me to work out/know what to say. She got me to write down what I needed to say/ask ahead of the call so I had a plan, then repeat repeat repeat. Sounds so simple, and I was living alone/at uni/with a part time job etc at the time, but just hadn't ever needed to do it!

Don't always give the answer, sometimes it's ok to say you don't know either and reinforce the idea that uncertainty is normal and has to be a part of life. If you always provide reassurance or answers then she will just keep on relying on you.
Another idea is to ask her to write her worries down when she brings them and you can go through it with her at a particular time to help problem solve. Maybe 30 mins per day at 6pm or whenever seems convenient. Then you are not being drained by it all the time and also she learns to park things and not need answers all the time. It's a technique for anxiety called worry time.
It's all easier said than done. DD2 is a bit like this with me and she's away at uni.

Asking you doesn't mean she wants an answer/solution. Perhaps she just wants to go through it with you. (Her negative response when you do suggest something might mean that she already has something in mind but has not articulated it.)

You could try a Samaritans technique for a while:- listening intently - reflecting back what is said - setting out what has been said or the choices that are possible... but not giving advice or setting up a solution or making a comment about one of the options.

(Don't say - those jeans look awful but it is your choice whether or not to go out in them. :) )

Stepping back on the decision but being supportive and neutral can make it easier for a person to work out what they want to do/what is the right thing.

@MajesticWhine

Don't always give the answer, sometimes it's ok to say you don't know either and reinforce the idea that uncertainty is normal and has to be a part of life. If you always provide reassurance or answers then she will just keep on relying on you. Another idea is to ask her to write her worries down when she brings them and you can go through it with her at a particular time to help problem solve. Maybe 30 mins per day at 6pm or whenever seems convenient. Then you are not being drained by it all the time and also she learns to park things and not need answers all the time. It's a technique for anxiety called worry time. It's all easier said than done. DD2 is a bit like this with me and she's away at uni.

Yes, I will do this, I will stop giving my opinion to try and coach her in to arriving at a decision on her own.

That's a really good idea to ask her to write down a list of her worries and I'll look at them at xx.00 time. That way I could feel a little bit more practical and fuelled up when I try to support her and not so constantly depleted. It's got to the point where when I hear ''Mum?'' I think oh goddddddd whaaaaat

@Aria2015

Can you put the questions back on her rather than giving her answers? Eg 'what would you do if I wasn't here to ask?' Or rephrasing the question and asking it back to her? Eg she asks 'will I have enough time to get the bus into town for my haircut?' And instead of saying 'yes' or 'no', ask 'how long does the bus take?', 'does that give you enough time?' - sort of guide her through the thought process she needs to make a decision. I know it would be draining but if you're currently answering all her questions now, I think it's encouraging her to keep coming to you. But if you make it harder for her and put her questions back to her, it might give her that push she needs to have faith in her own thought process.

Yes, this is good. I'm trying to work towards these responses. I'll do an every second response that flips the question back on to her. She'd get annoyed if I answered every question with another question! But I'll work towards that.