Is it ever possible to move past having the ick?

[AmIoverbeingmarried]

Little bit of background - been together 17 years married for 7, mortgaged home, 2 children aged 5 and 3, dog. Both work full time.

Lately I've been feeling we are more like brother and sister than husband and wife. Sex life is pretty non existent he initiates it but I either put him off or feel like I'm just going through the motions and I'm not that into it. I enjoy self pleasure just feel yuk with him. I miss sex.

I'm no longer attracted to him and generally as a person I think he is a bit spoiled and selfish. Also can be a bit controlling.

I can't pin point what has caused this change but its been like it for a few years. Put a lot down to PND and thought the house was too small after having 2nd child, we moved to a bigger home, wasn't exactly on same page with some of the renovation.

I've told him I'm not happy, he wants to work through it, says he thought we were forever and want our children to grow up with parents who are together. He's in love with me and still attracted to me so saying I'm unattracted to you just seems hurtful, so I've not told him that.

He has tried to change and has really pulled his weight around the house and does more with DC but I'm still unhappy.

If he touches me I feel my skin crawl, when I receive a text my eyes roll and I have a what do you want feeling. All the passion and excitement feelings are long gone.

I sometimes find myself delaying going home from work.

I've tried sparking some passion back up, going on dates, having more family days out, more action in the bedroom but it hasn't altered anything. I went away for a few days with DC to visit family and I didn't miss him.

So my question is when you have the ick is it ever possible to move past it or when it happens is it a sign the relationship done?

[Inthesameboatatmo]

I've never found its possible to move past the ick once it sets in .
You have however been together a very long time so is it not worth trying some couples counselling first to see if you can work through the issues that you have .

[MrsPelligrinoPetrichor]

No, not of your skin is crawling.

[MrsPelligrinoPetrichor]

**if

[FrancescaContini]

Not if you don’t want him to touch you. You can’t move back from this. Sorry 😞

[PennyWus]

Ugh had the ick with my first partner, could not recover. Got increasingly annoyed with him, he was clingy and pathetic and he was rubbish in bed. I let it drag on far too long out of pity. But we didn't have kids so ultimately I walked away.

[Magicalwoodlands]

The ‘ick’ is not some sort of generally accepted scientific or sociological study, and to be honest it was never really intended to apply to long standing relationships with children.

It was a term from Cosmopolitan intended to describe casual dating where you inexplicably go off someone.

I think what you’re describing could possibly mean you’ve gone off him as a person but there are other possibilities as well. I’ve had PND myself and I have found lockdown and my partner working from home (and never leaving it) has really put me off sex with him, mostly because I am around him so much that any more intimacy puts me off.

I also find myself angry and snappy but if I’m honest with myself that is depression not the ‘ick.’

I am not saying this relationship isn’t irreparable but I think the above answers are far too blasé given you have been with this person nearly two decades and have very young children. In any relationship that spans more than a decade there will be times sexual attraction will peak and wane.

[Gardenfish]

PennyWus same happened, I spent too long trying to make it work. It never did.

OP life is too short. We all deserve the good sex we want.

[Gardenfish]

That last sentence didn't come out right, but I think we all know what I mean.

[TiddleTaddleTat]

I agree with PP that isn't couples counselling worth a shot? It sounds like there are feelings about him underlying your 'ick' feelings, maybe you fee hurt or unappreciated? Or resentful? You say he is controlling and you aren't on the same page about a renovation...
It's not unreasonable to want to pull away from someone that hurts you, so reducing or resisting intimacy in that situation is pretty understandable?

[WanderingLost167]

My ick descended into panic attacks at the idea of him touching me. It wasn't depression, or lack of sex drive, I happily had amazing sex with someone else.

[SusannahHolmes]

I have been with DH 35 years and yes in a committed long term relationship things can wax and wane. We have had periods where I wasn't interested sexually and found it all a chore or an expectation and I have definitely felt the eye roll feeling of a needy DH. However I didn't want to leave and yes things have definitely improved and we are currently very in tune for the past few years as the kids have got bigger and less demanding.

I don't think this idea that one always has to find one's life partner gorgeous and sexy or it's inevitably doomed is helpful. In a casual dating relationship, fair enough. DH and I were at it like rabbits the first 10 years.

Do you like him as a person? Is he kind, reliable, stable, supportive? Do you respect him? Do you want to leave and strike out on your own more than you want to keep trying?

[SimoneSimone]

You should tell your husband how you really feel and let him find someone without the ick as your describe. Your need for sex is overiding being in a stable family with kids. He is making an effort, it seems you are unwilling to. The relationship is done

[SusannahHolmes]

I agree the idea of counselling is a good one.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Counselling is advisable here, but go to this on your own. Do not enter into any form of joint counselling with him particularly if he is at all controlling. It may well be that he is only making an effort now because he can sense you've finally had enough of him.

Give yourself a deadline re him and stick to it.

[MrsPumpkinSeed]

I think that it's gone too far and I can understand it if he has been controlling and not treated you well.
I don't know what to advise? Maybe a long term break from each other and see if there is anything there by dating again.

[Toffpops]

I think if you care about him as a person you should let him go as it’s over. I’ve been on the receiving end of this with my STBXH who told me exactly how he felt (same as you) but said he would try and work things out-he never did try, and I spent the best part of the year feeling unattractive and unwanted whilst desperately trying to sort things. It was truly awful. I guess the hard part is how much you tell him because it really is devastating to hear. But he’s probably noticed /guessed it. You both deserve to be happy though and in a funny way once I realised it was over and stopped contact I started to heal. Good luck OP

[Skyla2005]

Your husband makes you skin crawl. No you can't move past it and it's not fair on him either he could be happy with someone who wants him and you could also be happy. Life is short.

[E11en]

Yes, I got past it once. But he was a really good guy and I'd just never been in a loving relationship with anybody for longer than 18 months.
Also when you get past the first flush of youth (I was in my late 40s when this happened to me) realistically the attractiveness of the men who would / will date me and commit to me, well they're not tatum channings. I find a bit of ick is inevitable untless you're dating a young brad pitt

[E11en]

Reading your OP properly though this is more about justified resentment!

[thesplashing]

I agree with pp, I don't think the ick is really something that develops over a long time - it's something you either do or don't have when you start dating.

You just sound like you have fallen out of love. It's okay to admit that, it's a valid and genuine reason for not wanting to remain with a partner.

[JulesRimetStillGleaming]

I did once but the relationship ultimately fizzled out anyway but I did genuinely feel the attraction again after a period of ick. It was a 4 year relationship though so maybe that makes a difference.

[notasillysausage]

In your position I would seek counselling, individual and couple counselling. I think breaking up a family is a massive thing to do and the effects can be underestimated. There doesn’t sound to have been a massive insurmountable trigger but a build up of things. I’d want to know I had tried everything to repair the relationship before breaking up my children’s family.

[TheFoundations]

If you could make yourself be attracted to someone, our relationship environment would be a very very different place.

Think about what you're trying to do. You're trying to over ride your biology.

[Sonaftersonafterson]

That eye rolling, "oh just fuck off" feeling when DH messaged or floated around me like a needy toddler is just awful. 15 years together but I had to leave. When I realised I also wouldn't miss him when he went away for a month, it was game over.

[Pinkbonbon]

Why would you even try?
I wouldn't be having sec with someone that made my skin crawl, ever. I mean c'mon now op, why would you? That's so grim.