At a crossroads

[AmIteallythatstupid]

Long story short at the beginning of lockdown 1 I discovered my DH of 13 yrs had an historic drunken one night stand 2 years previous with someone at his work. What had followed the ONS really was a complete mess of deceit in his attemp of me never finding out and the girl in question desperately wanting me to find out.

By the time I found out the girl had left his work and they had had no contact for about 12 months. At the time of the ONS we weren't in a great place as a couple and hadn't been for a fair few years. We did however have a great family life with 3 DC, we did so much together as a family. When i found out I seriously thought that was it, he said he would respect my decision whatever I decided as he didn't want to make the situation any harder for me than it already was. We had the first honest discussion in many years and we said some very honest things to each other and it was like a heavy cloud had lifted. We decided to try and work through things and i have to say he completely changed.

He was so kind caring, patient, understanding and accepting of the hurt he had caused. He was constantly reassuring me that he would do whatever it would take to repair the damage. Tbh i ended up with the husband i'd slways longed for him to be.

Fast forward a really good 18 months and hes suddenly just shifted. For the last month hes just not tolerant of me anymore, snapping, rolling eyes etc etc. Obviously this has sent me in a complete spin. Im still not over the lies of the betrayal and its like hes had enough. We have had a string of horrible rows this last few weeks with him eventually walking out saying he can't be a human punch bag forever. When he went i just relaxed and felt very calm. He returned the next day and we decided we still wanted to carry on but seek counselling. we've been rowing since, not anything to fo with the pat but just about everyday life. Its like I can't say anything right so he goes for me and because i always had hurt and anger just below the surface it doesn't take much for me to loose it. Whereas for the last month if ive got snappy or annoyed about anything at all hes just absorbed it and not reacted and diffused the situation so we haven't rowed. He says i all of a sudden have changed but i seriously havent, its his reaction to me that has changed.

I just don't know what to do. Its like he's done but doesn't want to be the one to end it. I just can't understand want has changed in 4 short weeks.

I said to him tonight that he really should just leave if thats what he wants as i clearly cannot do anything right anymore. and he's gone mad saying that I shouldn't keep threatening it if i don't mean it.

Is this the standard route for people who try to overcome a betrayal, they throw themselves in it as a panic reaction to it all coming out but ultimately it just comes to the same conclusion in the end that a relationship really can't survive an affair?

that should of read 'for the previous 18 months* he has absorbed all my anger

I'd be wondering if he's having another affair, honestly.

Definitely not as he works from home, so only ever leaves the house with me or the kids and all our socialising is within the same group, so i'd know if he wasn't where he was supposed to be. As a result of his original betrayal he knocked all work social on the head etc

I just think its most likely hes tried to be someone he's not and he's just had enough

You say for the past 18 months he's just absorbed all your anger. He says he can't be your human punch bag forever. Maybe he's just got to breaking point from doing that?

Whereas for the last [18 months] if ive got snappy or annoyed about anything at all hes just absorbed it and not reacted and diffused the situation so we haven't rowed

How often have you been snappy or annoyed at him? When you have been snappy, have you used the ONS as justification for being so?

In all honesty if I'd made one drunken and much regretted mistake, made significant changes in my behaviour and communication, but was still dealing with hostility 18 months later, I'd be ending things. It's not healthy for one partner to hold onto anger at the other for a one-off incident.

it's understandable if you can't get past this and you shouldn't feel you are obliged to. A lot of people can't, and would have left on finding out. You've given it a good try, but if you really can't stop being angry at him, surely it's best for you and your dc if you go your separate ways now.

Good points made. And you are right both, he doesn't need to put up with it. But i just had the sense he was not being honest with his feelings, all the resentment that he showed towards me pre-finding out seems to have been buried. If that makes sense. I always felt pre-finding out that i annoyed him and he didn't generally like me sometimes.

He never tolerated me snapping or being grumpy before. You know 'you drop a piece of toast butter down scenarios' if i reacted in a 'arghh for god sake' way because i was annoyed with myself, he would instantly react to me and shout at me that i was being aggressive which in turn would make me then react back. It was a rather exhausting circle. Since finding out, i'd do something and say OFGS and he would not react at all and the moment would pass in seconds and I would be laughing at what I'd done. Does that make sense. Now if i snap because ive done something to annoy myself, or him or the kids have done something to annoy me, he won't tolerate my snapping and he has started accusing me of aggression again and this is what is leading to the rows because i can't bare being called aggressive if i'm annoyed. Its a natural reaction to feel annoyance at things surely.

I think because in my mind he's telling me off for snapping and i'm thinking 'well you can FO at least I didn't lie for 2 years or shag a co-worker' and the anger erupts.

The anger still bubbles not because of the ONS itself, jesus if he'd admitted it the moment it had happened life would have been so much easier. I was suspicious something has gone on at the time and i was told quite a few elaborate lies over the space of 2 years, which eventually involved people I knew well, some who I considered friends, including the girl herself. I was made a bit of a fool of generally. Thats the thing i struggle to move on from. Not the act itself but the lengths that were made to keep me in the dark. Honestly if Carlberg did ONS it certainly wouldn't of been his one he got himself in such a tangled web.

I just feel now that i'm being pushed to make the decision to end it because he would feel better.

You are under no obligation to stay with this man. He did a shitty thing to you (not even so much the ONS, even though that IS shit, but the 2 years of lying would really piss me off) BUT, you did decide to stay and it sounds like you’ve, quite understandably, kept him on the rack for the last 18 months. Although you are in pain, that is unfortunately not helpful IF you want to make your relationship work. I might be wrong but it sounds like you didn’t have counselling at the time? I would suggest you both agree to “harbour’ your relationship for now, so park all disagreements, until you get some counselling to work out what you both want. Call me an optimist, but this sounds salvageable to me, IF you BOTH want it. Good luck xx

Thank you

Have a ONS yourself and then tell him about it in 2 years time call it a drunken mistake as @EvenMoreFuriousVexation describes it.

That should help you deal with the betrayal better if you want to stay in his company.
The fact is really, his face is just a reminder of you living with a liar and I doubt you will able to cope with him starting his minimising tactics again.

I know forgivness is meant to be the way but it's bloody hard pill to swallow when someone has shit on you, with a massive dose of gaslighting thrown in.
You felt totally humiliated and rightly so, maybe you feel he hasn't had his consequnces served properly.

He broke the contract.
You get to draw up the new rules.