Lack of affection getting me down...

[thegreenestbear]

Been seeing someone for about four months. Got so much in common, values, life stages etc. Literally everything.

Don't talk about a future together but that's fine with me, it's only been a few months.

Always texts and calls when he says he will.

Sex is off the wall amazing, best ever.

We talk a lot and we have easy silences.

He helps me with my car, gives me lifts and always remembers what's going on in my life.

But there is no flirting whatsoever. He never initiates any affection. If I reach for his hand, or put my arm round him, or kiss him, he reciprocates positively but never starts anything.

He never compliments me on how I look. Not once. He will compliment me on achievements, like winning at tennis or passing an exam, but not once has he ever said I look pretty, or he likes my hair or what I'm wearing.

I keep telling myself the important things are there, but it's really starting to get me down. I know there's no point asking if I look nice because a compliment I ask for doesn't mean anything, but sometimes I just feel so sad.

We're 55, I know there has to be compromises, but I feel crushed sometimes.

Am I being silly, considering throwing this away? TIA.

Do you compliment him?

I've told him often I think he's gorgeous, he turns me on, he's strong, fit, hard working, clever, funny and a good dad. I'm starting to falter though, because it feels awkward just leaving it hanging there.

I understand how you feel because a man l dated for a while was the same. When l questioned him over it he was quite harsh, he said along the lines that if l needed him to validate myself he was not the man for me. l am a woman who prides herself in not needing validation or approval but it is hard when abso!rely nothing is forthcoming.
To be honest yours sounds much nicer and kinder. I doubt and very much hope you dont get similar reply, he is probably totally unaware of his lack of initinative and how this is affecting you. Maybe step back regarding the compliments towards him and allow him to make the first move etc.
I would give him more time, he sounds a lovely guy in respect to everything else.

I’m quite a lot younger than you but I don’t think that’s relevant. I was in a relationship for over a year with a man who never complimented my appearance, and it really wore me down. It was definitely a factor in our breakup. We all deserve someone who finds us beautiful and is able to verbalise that.

Have you tried actually telling him what you need? You may need to make it explicit about your need for physical and affection and compliments, both of which sound on a normal level of need.

I wouldn't be disturbed by this as it was a public mask with no substance of true affection behind it in my marriage.

But, it is important to you and that's all that matters. If you coached him to deliver the affection that you want, would it ever feel wholly authentic?

It would put me off, flirting, compliments and affection are all the excitement of a new relationship, to not have that would bore me.
Not too Ott but enough to make me feel like he's really happy to be with me.

Have you talked to him about how you feel, OP? Being able to do that is even more important to your relationship than the actual issue; if you can't tell him how you really feel, all those lovely things you mentioned will feel increasingly superficial until it's just not viable any more.

I keep telling myself the important things are there, but it's really starting to get me down.

Whatever is important to you is what you need. There's no arbitrary rule about the exact level of affection / type of affection needed. Your needs are your needs and it's up to you to decide if they are being met or not.

Personally if someone didn't voice how they feel about me organically and regularly, I wouldn't be that happy in a relationship.

And if someone showed their affection through gifts it wouldn't be the right kind of affection for me, but I know it would for other people.

It's all about whether your personal, genuine needs are being met or not.

Affection, both physical and verbal are so important to me I don't think I would consider myself in a relationship without it.

I think honesty is your best policy here - just tell him you'd like him to initiate affection /compliments etc. He's probably just out of practice. On the whole he sounds like a keeper though.