To Tell DH about the "real" me?

[Sharkano]

I know we all have a past, even him, but I've come to a point where I feel like my life is so far removed from who I was before DH, that I need him to see/realise why I'm so unhappy in this role. I haven't felt like me in almost 10 years.

When we met, I told him I had a bit of wild past and would have shared the details, but he told me that he didn't care about any of it and loved me for who I was when we met. But, because he doesn't really know who I was, I feel like he doesn't really know me.

I had a lot of sex, very experimental, partied all the time, had some crazy flings and relationships, got in trouble a few times and suffered with some horrible mental health issues. He doesn't really know who I was or the details of any of it.

We met after I'd spent a year focusing purely on my career, I'd put myself on a man ban, hadn't partied for a year and knuckled down. I met him during a short chapter of my life when I didn't really have a life other than work. He was quiet, dependable, safe, 8 years older than me and still a virgin in his mid-thirties. I found it endearing, he was lovely, but looking back, I think he fell for the idea of me and didn't actually get to know me at all. He had his life set up- owned a family home already and just needed a woman to slot into it. I was attracted to the stability he represented and his calm approach to life along with him- he seemed lovely.

Within a year we were engaged, married shortly after with a baby on the way. It went so quickly, everything happened so fast. He was extremely close to his overbearing family who took over, he loved nothing more than spending time with his parents and I lost myself within the confines of his life and the expectations for me to go along with everything, spending hours a few times a week listening to his mother's problems and her visions for our family. She even suggested we move into a home close to theirs.

I now have 2 kids with him and other responsibilities. We have a non-existent sex life. DH is now morbidly obese, I feel wild if I eat a large bar of galaxy when the kids are in bed. I see friends sometimes, go to the gym, play with my kids who I adore and my life centres around. His family make underhanded criticisms towards me and I get to sit and listen to them bigging up their wonderful son who everybody seems to love (not sure I do anymore).

I'm glad my life isn't wild like it was before, but I'm finding myself missing elements of it, primarily the passion. Now that DCs aren't babies anymore, I'm looking around thinking "where is me in all of this?" I've told DH I'm unhappy and need so much more love in our lives, but he says he's content without. I've told him we should probably divorce but he says he doesn't want that either. He's older than his years, doesn't know how to have fun, doesn't joke, doesn't laugh, takes himself far too seriously. His family are all serious too.

Part of me wonders, if I tell him the truth, tell him what really makes me tick, the fun and passion that was in my life before him, maybe he would realise that I'm not who he thought I was and that really, unless something changes we would need to part. I want him to know about me.
I want him to see that this monotonous, no-fun life he's sketched out for us- it just isn't me.

Or is it just not worth it? Because it wouldn't change anything?

[RedToothBrush]

Well he didn't have aspirations or a sense of fun. You said it yourself he had a ready made life that just needed a wife to slot into it.

Thats the height of being comfortable and set in life.

He had a life set out which didn't involve spontaneity in any way. It was all set out and planned.

Where was the space for you and your life and aspirations plans?

It always was on his terms and you bought into his life rather than building one together which included you being able to input into it. You just moved in.

Its not bonkers to point that out. It might not be something you want to hear but I think it probably needs saying because your bitterness over it is definitely there.

You want to be more in control of decision making rather than sitting back and relaxing which is his attitude - he feels he's done the hard work of setting up what he wants in life.

I am willing to bet stuff like your home decor is bland. And maybe if it was your place alone, you would go a little crazy in at least one room with some colour but since it was effectively his dream, you've never got past muted colours. Stuff like that.

You just added the cushions to his life if you will.

[OrangeTortoise]

I think the statement you quoted from RedToothBrush is accurate except he probably didn't specifically plan to get fat. But if you just remove the word fat and leave the word comfortable it's about right.

[Neonplant]

@TheRebelle glad to see your disgusting fat phobic post has been deleted. Imagine being the type of person to say and think things like this. How embarrassing for you.

[E11en]

[quote Sharkano]@redtoothbrush I followed your post with understanding and appreciation until I got to this part:
"Don't blame him for being fat and comfortable. Thats what his life plan always was and you should have clocked it"
I think it may be the most bonkers statement I've ever read on MN.[/quote]
I made a similar mistake to you for similar reasons and part of the healing and recovery is acknowledging that although my x projected all of his inadequacies outwards on to me, I wasn't blameless either, i understood the dynamics and yet I still stayed due to low self-efficacy

I'm really loving @redtoothbrush 's posts.

[E11en]

Was it Gloria Steinhem who said if something pisses you off, look in to it more.

[xoJellybean]

This is literally the plot to SexLife on Netflix 😅

[E11en]

''I am willing to bet stuff like your home decor is bland. And maybe if it was your place alone, you would go a little crazy in at least one room with some colour but since it was effectively his dream, you've never got past muted colours. Stuff like that.''

Wow. I know I"m not the OP but when I lived with my x (who I left 14 years ago, so I have so much more detachment than the OP can have right now) our house was so bland because his taste was so middle of the road and every thing that we chose together was a compromise so I always ended up agreeing to whatever I disliked the least.

Now I live in a tiny terraced house with my DC and I have books that meant a lot to me on window sills, paintings I did myself, a table diagonally across the kitchen because it just works that way (my x wouldn't have tolerated that!)

[E11en]

And I have one orange wall in the sitting room! Not a feature wall though. Just one wall.

Are you a psychologist @redtoothbrush?

[E11en]

@Sharkano apologies for hijacking your thread. I just really identify with being that last piece slotted in to a bland stable successful man's life.

[Neonplant]

@NumberTheory no he's not nor did I say he was. But the difference is the life they are living is true to his authentic self however boring that is. He didn't lie to himself or op. It seems he was fairly accurate in his presentation of who he was and what he wanted.

I'm not saying op shouldn't leave the relationship. I just think she sounds bitter and contemptuous of her husband for basically being exactly what he said he was. Even to the point of him not cooperating with therapy. This would probably be a deal breaker for me too. But the difference is I did not marry a man who was clearly conservative and missile of the road in his outlook.

I'm just asking op to reflect on the fact she knew what she was getting and now seems bitter about it. I think without this reflection you won't discover who you really are and what you really want op.

[Wishingwell75]

Hi OP, I am just echoing others really but it sounds like you had a wild hedonistic time when you were younger and then that stopped making you happy so you threw yourself into work, met this man who in comparison to previous partners was the complete opposite and a novelty and that was what you needed or thought you needed and wanted. You didn't realise that he and you wouldn't grow together, ideally you could have balanced each other out; with him becoming more adventurous in all aspects of life and you finding stability, someone who was your true north star.
What's happened is sadly not that. Although I doubt you have any desire to return to your party life as it was, you can still expect to have excitement, new experiences, travel (hopefully!), fun, and a sex life and love.
So many good things have come from your marriage though - the children, you most probably made your DH happy and you know exactly what you don't want life to look like.😁
I don't think telling your husband will help anyone. He won't really be able to understand because it's so far from his experience. I think he saw something in you when you met, that you had a past you were escaping and that he could offer you a life and rescue you. But really he didn't want to know and that's.....a little suspect in my book because when you meet your future spouse don't you want to know everything about them?
Telling him now is unlikely to shock him into change, he might not be capable of that. But you know he'll tell his family and if things get ugly they might use this info during any custody battle - should there be one.
You're in a fantastic position in terms of being able to move on.
So many people get stuck in relationships, marriage purely for financial reasons and I am happy you don't have that barrier.
You've tried counselling, he's not into it. You don't have to justify wanting happiness and love, that's your birthright.

[DamnUserName21]

No way!
Never tell a man too much.

The only thing that's going to achieve is to give him a stick to beat you with.

Spot on.

[RedToothBrush]

@E11en

And I have one orange wall in the sitting room! Not a feature wall though. Just one wall.

Are you a psychologist *@redtoothbrush*?

Nope. Not a psychologist but aware there are certain types of people out there.

I know the 'beige' types who are lovely and solid and reliable and its often useful to have some in your life in some way.

But I also can both find them a bit dull and frustrating and I couldn't be married to one. If I'm honest, I'd just start looking for drama somehow.

I think you really have to be on the same page with those type of things as much as any other lifestyle / parenting type style differences otherwise a relationship won't work long term. I don't think we are honest about this as a society and tbh I think blokes get away with admitting it more than women because the responsibility of children is dumped on women more. Blokes find it easier to just fuck off and yeah be 'selfish' about it.

You don't want to wake up in twenty years going 'well i paid off the mortgage so I've lived well and got something to show for it' whilst simultaneously being as miserable as sin.

Equally I don't think you have to have a full on midlife crisis in late 30s /early 40s and give up your job and travel the world shagging every one that you meet and take a shine to whilst abdicating all responsibility before realising its a bit hollow (which seems to be the pattern for men).

I think you have to be aware of what type of person you are and understand what others are to find your happy place and then change your life to get a balance.

The OP clearly hasn't identified the half way house and has swung from one extreme to the other through her life. You have to be able to see both. Its easier to see the wild no good types but the nice and safe types aren't always good for you either in the same ways but its harder to break because they are 'good people', if that makes sense.

Its not wrong to walk though if it makes you feel suffocated and straighjacketed. Staying with someone just for the sake of staying with them will end up messy at some point imho. Probably when the kids leave home when you are in your 50s (which seems to be more the pattern for women).

[grapewine]

@Sharkano

I'm already quite far long in seeing a solicitor etc. I work and can support me and the children but would need to move and sell the house to buy something smaller. I know how much mortage I can borrow and roughly how much deposit I'll have to put down after the sale of the house I'm in. It's just doing it.

I'd focus on this instead of telling him anything he and his unpleasant-sounding family can use as a stick to beat you with tbh.

[grapewine]

RedToothBrush Great posts.

[NoSquirrels]

You’ve told him what you need and want.

He’s told you that he’s not interested in changing.

You don’t have any other option but divorce, honestly.

You’ve been to counselling but he’s not bothered. You need want a second life, he doesn’t.

You cannot stay, can you?

[E11en]

I agree with you @redtoothbrush
I'm single now but even when I was with somebody before covid I was taking responsibility for structuring my life in a way that gives me a good balance of creativity / productivity, and income / downtime and security / excitement.

[PandaMine]

I will comment on this thread tomorrow when I’ve sobered up a bit.

But just wanted to concur with E11en about one’s environment and home decoration. I haven’t got an orange wall but love my space now “finally alone” thinking of song by Suzanne Vega’straight lines’ it’s called.

But my first reaction to your post OP is “we all change” in important ways, or more accurately, some of us do. However the vague Julia of your thread (I think) is something else I.e. you’re bored …?

[PandaMine]

Julia = theme. Grrrr…!

[Cam2020]

This sounds absolutely soul crushing! You're not compatible and no amount of explaining yourself will help - he doesn't get you and he never will. This relationship is compleltely dead. I think you need to get away from your husband and his family for everyone's sake.

[HelpWendy]

@RedToothBrush Really good posts.

[HelpWendy]

@RedToothBrush

‘
The OP clearly hasn't identified the half way house and has swung from one extreme to the other through her life. You have to be able to see both. Its easier to see the wild no good types but the nice and safe types aren't always good for you either in the same ways but its harder to break because they are 'good people', if that makes sense.’

This resonated with me. I am in a similar place to the OP. My husband, very beige, middle of the road, unoriginal, highly dependent, no outward emotion, good or bad - is very kind and good. And we are just a fundamental mismatch.

What I take from the quote above is that even though someone is good they may well be able to break your spirit. Such a grim outlook and a depressing future to know you’re headed towards.

[WhoIsPepeSilva]

[quote Sharkano]@redtoothbrush I followed your post with understanding and appreciation until I got to this part:
"Don't blame him for being fat and comfortable. Thats what his life plan always was and you should have clocked it"
I think it may be the most bonkers statement I've ever read on MN.[/quote]
Lost me there too @Sharkano

He has changed (as I'm sure you have) but the difference is he is happy with the changes and you are not.

You may find the guy redtoothbrush is talking about if you leave, you might not so I do think they make a good point about deciding if you can do all the things you want in life as a single person.

FWIW I would totally understand if you stayed in the marriage and got on with trying to make your life happier in other ways as redtoothbrush suggests. IMO though, life in an unhappy marriage where you long for someone to show you some affection and go through life with is destroying and extremely lonely. In a lot of ways even lonelier than if you were on your own.

I would leave and try and forge a happy life without your DH and if a man comes along that would fit in and make your life better at least there is space in your life for you to seize that opportunity if you want to.

It's also worthwhile remembering that what your marriage looks like and operates will affect what your childrens' relationships in the future will be. Ask yourself if you want them to end up in a marriage like yours or be comfortable knowing they could be happier alone or in a better relationship?

[WhoIsPepeSilva]

@RedToothBrush I hope that didn't come across as a dig at you, I actually really liked your posts and agree with a lot of what you are saying in a way.

The beige ones are harder to spot for sure!

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

I’d say nothing
Your wild
Past doesn’t define you Op
I had a similar past

But I’d start making plans

If he isn’t the man for you , you need to be a a financially independent single mother
You need to be emotionally strong

So focus on saving , maybe some counselling and making plans for work and life such that if you split you can co parent successfully

How old are the kids ?