To Tell DH about the "real" me?

[Sharkano]

I know we all have a past, even him, but I've come to a point where I feel like my life is so far removed from who I was before DH, that I need him to see/realise why I'm so unhappy in this role. I haven't felt like me in almost 10 years.

When we met, I told him I had a bit of wild past and would have shared the details, but he told me that he didn't care about any of it and loved me for who I was when we met. But, because he doesn't really know who I was, I feel like he doesn't really know me.

I had a lot of sex, very experimental, partied all the time, had some crazy flings and relationships, got in trouble a few times and suffered with some horrible mental health issues. He doesn't really know who I was or the details of any of it.

We met after I'd spent a year focusing purely on my career, I'd put myself on a man ban, hadn't partied for a year and knuckled down. I met him during a short chapter of my life when I didn't really have a life other than work. He was quiet, dependable, safe, 8 years older than me and still a virgin in his mid-thirties. I found it endearing, he was lovely, but looking back, I think he fell for the idea of me and didn't actually get to know me at all. He had his life set up- owned a family home already and just needed a woman to slot into it. I was attracted to the stability he represented and his calm approach to life along with him- he seemed lovely.

Within a year we were engaged, married shortly after with a baby on the way. It went so quickly, everything happened so fast. He was extremely close to his overbearing family who took over, he loved nothing more than spending time with his parents and I lost myself within the confines of his life and the expectations for me to go along with everything, spending hours a few times a week listening to his mother's problems and her visions for our family. She even suggested we move into a home close to theirs.

I now have 2 kids with him and other responsibilities. We have a non-existent sex life. DH is now morbidly obese, I feel wild if I eat a large bar of galaxy when the kids are in bed. I see friends sometimes, go to the gym, play with my kids who I adore and my life centres around. His family make underhanded criticisms towards me and I get to sit and listen to them bigging up their wonderful son who everybody seems to love (not sure I do anymore).

I'm glad my life isn't wild like it was before, but I'm finding myself missing elements of it, primarily the passion. Now that DCs aren't babies anymore, I'm looking around thinking "where is me in all of this?" I've told DH I'm unhappy and need so much more love in our lives, but he says he's content without. I've told him we should probably divorce but he says he doesn't want that either. He's older than his years, doesn't know how to have fun, doesn't joke, doesn't laugh, takes himself far too seriously. His family are all serious too.

Part of me wonders, if I tell him the truth, tell him what really makes me tick, the fun and passion that was in my life before him, maybe he would realise that I'm not who he thought I was and that really, unless something changes we would need to part. I want him to know about me.
I want him to see that this monotonous, no-fun life he's sketched out for us- it just isn't me.

Or is it just not worth it? Because it wouldn't change anything?

[CoasterCoaster]

No, don't tell him, it won't achieve what you want it to and I agree with PP's it would be used as a stick to beat you with. What's stopping you actioning the divorce? I would be focusing on figuring that out in your counselling if I were you, you need to find out what's holding you back from doing what you know you need to do.

[Bookaholic73]

He is content without love and also doesn’t want a divorce.

But what about what YOU want? You don’t need his permission to leave him.

It sounds like you kind of ‘fell into’ being this person and having this life.

If it’s not what you want, go and find something else. Life is short, go and have some fun, rediscover who you ate etc.

[EarthSight]

OP, are you looking for permission to drop this on him, so that he gets so angry he will want to divorce you, which you think will make things easier for you, as you can then reframe this as his rejection of you, rather than your reception of him (which causes feelings of doubt or guilt in you).

[EarthSight]

your rejection of him*

[ChristmasCocktail]

Just divorce. Telling him your past won't solve a thing.

[Withgasoliiiiine]

Don't tell him, OP. I don't think it would make much sense to him given how sheltered and unadventurous he sounds. It would get back to his family. Not that you did anything wrong but it could be spun into something it wasn't. And get back to your kids. You've decided you want out. That's your decision to make and see through but do it civilly, and dispassionately. Then you have all the time in the world to build a much more fun and interesting life, but you may find that the things that excited you a decade ago aren't the same things you want to pursue now.

[honeybuns007]

You say he doesn't want a divorce. Well if you do want one then it is not really relevant if he wants one or not. If either person wants the marriage to be over, then it is over. OP, with all due respect, he sounds like an energy vampire. Your life with him sounds horrific. Please, find a way out and live again

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Carry on with your plans and divorce him. You deserve to be happy. Your children deserve more than seeing this marriage as normal, it sounds lonely and miserable.

You don’t need his permission to leave. You don’t need anyone’s. You know you’re doing the right thing. Well done for realising this isn’t right and you can do better and be happy again.

Don’t open up about anything, he doesn’t have a right to know, no one does and there’s a reason you’ve never told him so this definitely isn’t the time. Gird your loins for divorce, it’s a beginning as much as an end.

[Washeduponthebeach]

Telling your husband about your past will achieve nothing. I would put the wheels in motion to leave and do so as smoothly as you can and with as much kindness as you can. Your husband cannot give you what you need. It’s not his fault, you are just incompatible.
Don’t alienate him or his parents in the process for the sake of the children and future co parenting. You need to get out and free yourself. Not to be wild and hedonistic, because you’re older now and have responsibilities. Just to find a way to be happy as the person you are now.

[Pinkbonbon]

Why would you make yourself more vulnerable to a shitty person? You might as well cut your leg in the water when it's full if sharks. The sharks wont put you more, theyll just be all the more keen to bite you.

[whynotwhatknot]

Hes content youre not

thats abo0ut the size of it

[Pinkbonbon]

*wont pity you more

[Seafog]

There is nothing to achieve by telling him. It was about a part of you life that wasn't even relevant when he met you.
You changed how you lived, as by your own words it was unhealthy and left you unhappy. You said yes to the quiet man, moved in to his life, married and had babies and now act like he trapped you.

Just be honest and say you aren't happy any longer and would like to divorce. It's about how your life is now, not what you miss from your glory days.

[SequinsandStiIettos]

Do not tell him any of that. It will not make him realise you are suddenly incompatible. Nor will it jolt him into being something he's not. If he won't work on your marriage with therapy, there is no intimacy on top of that and you aren't best friends, who can find a work around then there's your answer. Clean break. His family will blame you - of course they will - but that was always going to be the case.
Ducks in a row, move out, trial separation if you think there is any point, see what life is like without him. People stay married for different reasons but I am not sure why you would here.
Alternatively, if you do stay then you need to start doing all the things that might bring you some contentdom and pleasure that is lacking elsewhere - new interests, trips etc but not dating as 'open' does not tend to work. If you want to date or even just do tinder hook-ups (using condoms as increasingly older women are contracting HIV) then a clean break and divorce first. As others have said, you can give yourself permission to leave if you are this unhappy.

[BrilliantBetty]

You'll feel much better once you have left.
And you can be your own person.
You don't need to tell him anything or try to make him see 'why'. It's just not working, you are two very different people who want different things and will eventually be happier and more content apart.

[Poolbridge]

I quite agree with @Bluntness100

Op if you want to leave yout marriage you can. You don’t need to tell him stuff to make him end it.

And you’re not that person, you are you. How you’ve been for years.

[IWillFindYou]

He’s done nothing wrong and doesn’t deserve to be punished.
It’s not the poor blokes fault you suddenly decided not to value him.

The ”real you” really doesn’t sound as amazing as you think.

You two are not compatible, let him go, so he can find someone who does value him.

[SRS29]

OP please stop excusing yourself.......regardless of previous life/experience you are currently in a very unhappy sexless existence...that in itself is enough to say sorry, time to move on x

[aLittleL1fe]

You don't need his permission to leave. It's probably due to misplaced guilt and co-dependence that you think that you do.

Taking the blame for the split may damage your relationship with children. Stand tall. You can do it. If you tried counselling and it hasn't helped then no one's to blame, it just wasn't meant to be.

[Catflapkitkat]

Another one saying please don't tell him. Another one saying do not give him a stick to beat you with. What good would it do? If he is so under the thumb of his family - he will tell them. If you split your children will be visiting that family with him. You will have no idea what they will be telling your children whilst you aren't there.

I believe we are different people at different times, that is who you were back then. Nothing to be ashamed of - if you didn't hurt or decieve anyone, by the time you had met your husband you were someone else, not better or worse but ready to settle down and choose a stable and present family man. Further down the line, you want different things. It's not wrong to want a loving and physical relationship with your partner in life. If you have tried counselling - then you are not walking away lightly.

Good luck OP

[Anordinarymum]

OP If this were me I would not tell him about my past. I would however, tell him there has to be more to life than living without any passion or fun and that you can't continue unless he and you together make changes...
...is what I would do

[Justilou1]

Why do you think that’s the “real” you? It’s not. It was behaviour indicative of a time in your life when you were vulnerable and damaged and suffering from mental health problems as a result. If you’re honest, your attraction to your rather Puritan DH is another reaction to that. I suspect if you had self-esteem and independence at the time, you wouldn’t have put him on a pedestal, or seen him as a rescuer. You probably would have found him weird or creepy. You still judge yourself very negatively. I think you need to do the Freedom Program and leave. You need to have counselling and work on your self esteem.

[trappistkepler]

Your past passions have nothing to do with the now. If you feel stifled and fed up in the marriage tell him him, it does not need a point of reference from years ago. That is more in your own head and stuff you have to deal with yourself. None of us can turn back time and a lot of us had way more exciting lives before time knocked on the door. You have to accept the now, who you are now and him and if it is not enough speak to him in the present tense.

[BasicDad]

@IWillFindYou

He’s done nothing wrong and doesn’t deserve to be punished.
It’s not the poor blokes fault you suddenly decided not to value him.

The ”real you” really doesn’t sound as amazing as you think.

You two are not compatible, let him go, so he can find someone who does value him.

This really.

OP sounds like she needs help to figure out why she would basically gas light herself for many years, and then pretend it was someone else's fault after years of neglect. You reap what you sow.