To Tell DH about the "real" me?

[Sharkano]

I know we all have a past, even him, but I've come to a point where I feel like my life is so far removed from who I was before DH, that I need him to see/realise why I'm so unhappy in this role. I haven't felt like me in almost 10 years.

When we met, I told him I had a bit of wild past and would have shared the details, but he told me that he didn't care about any of it and loved me for who I was when we met. But, because he doesn't really know who I was, I feel like he doesn't really know me.

I had a lot of sex, very experimental, partied all the time, had some crazy flings and relationships, got in trouble a few times and suffered with some horrible mental health issues. He doesn't really know who I was or the details of any of it.

We met after I'd spent a year focusing purely on my career, I'd put myself on a man ban, hadn't partied for a year and knuckled down. I met him during a short chapter of my life when I didn't really have a life other than work. He was quiet, dependable, safe, 8 years older than me and still a virgin in his mid-thirties. I found it endearing, he was lovely, but looking back, I think he fell for the idea of me and didn't actually get to know me at all. He had his life set up- owned a family home already and just needed a woman to slot into it. I was attracted to the stability he represented and his calm approach to life along with him- he seemed lovely.

Within a year we were engaged, married shortly after with a baby on the way. It went so quickly, everything happened so fast. He was extremely close to his overbearing family who took over, he loved nothing more than spending time with his parents and I lost myself within the confines of his life and the expectations for me to go along with everything, spending hours a few times a week listening to his mother's problems and her visions for our family. She even suggested we move into a home close to theirs.

I now have 2 kids with him and other responsibilities. We have a non-existent sex life. DH is now morbidly obese, I feel wild if I eat a large bar of galaxy when the kids are in bed. I see friends sometimes, go to the gym, play with my kids who I adore and my life centres around. His family make underhanded criticisms towards me and I get to sit and listen to them bigging up their wonderful son who everybody seems to love (not sure I do anymore).

I'm glad my life isn't wild like it was before, but I'm finding myself missing elements of it, primarily the passion. Now that DCs aren't babies anymore, I'm looking around thinking "where is me in all of this?" I've told DH I'm unhappy and need so much more love in our lives, but he says he's content without. I've told him we should probably divorce but he says he doesn't want that either. He's older than his years, doesn't know how to have fun, doesn't joke, doesn't laugh, takes himself far too seriously. His family are all serious too.

Part of me wonders, if I tell him the truth, tell him what really makes me tick, the fun and passion that was in my life before him, maybe he would realise that I'm not who he thought I was and that really, unless something changes we would need to part. I want him to know about me.
I want him to see that this monotonous, no-fun life he's sketched out for us- it just isn't me.

Or is it just not worth it? Because it wouldn't change anything?

[Tistheseason17]

I think you need to sit him down and explain you continued counselling and if this marriage is not for you anymore - your opinion is equal to his.
Either he works on it with you or he accepts a divorce started by you is inevitable.

[Choccy01]

Seems a pretty textbook MN situation on this board.

You had a fun time. Then wanted a serious relationship with a man so you could have kids/family. You knew this man would provide.

Basically you couldn't do what you signed up for.

Be honest and take ownership. This is your decision. If there is fault it's yours. If you at least do that you can aim to minimise the fallout post separation/divorce.

[Booknooks]

Its clear you should leave as you're unhappy, and it's not unreasonable to be annoyed that he doesn't seem arsed about working on your relationship; but he isn't to blame for the rest. It sounds like he has just been himself since the day you met, you aren't the person you seemingly wish you still were anymore, you've played along or whatever this is with the persona he fell in love with for years and years- which is a decision you made, he has only known you since he met you. It would be unfair to blame him for not knowing the real you when he has never met her! You could tell him, but all it is likely to achieve is him feeling betrayed as you aren't who he thinks you are, and probably more drama for your children. Just tell him you're done, move on, and create a life you'll enjoy rather than clinging on to how you were over a decade ago and blaming him for your choices.

[Sharkano]

Lots of replies. Thank you.
I can see that telling him about my past is completely unnecessary. I think I'm trying to make myself visible again in all of this. But correct, I'm definitely not that past person anymore, I'm a better version now- stronger, independent and more resilient.

I definitely felt he rescued me when we met and happily slotted into his life as I didn't have much of one other than work. My parents were going through a messy divorce themselves at the time and were completely absent from my life. I'd travelled a bit and my friendships had changed/moved on. I was also only 26. I think I was relieved to find a "stable" family that I could become a part of, but yes, I've found the dynamic extremely stifling. I feel invisible.

[Morningstar66]

Oh op, I would have thought you were my sister did I not know she was already seperated. She was so determined not to repeat our parents mistakes (rough separation as a child) that she sought out someone 'safe' who would never leave her. She left him.

She had seen a friends 'memory book' basically scrap booking lovely moments in their life and got excited about doing the same. Got all set up and then realises that....She had nothing to put in it.

Her marriage was secure, he was content but she suddenly realised she wasn't happy.

I don't think this has anything to do with your past and you shouldn't bring that up. You are lacking even some basic affections that you should expect in a happy marriage. No passion, nothing. You haven't lied about yourself, you simply want what any normal person would and you feel the need to right the scale.

You may be looking to the past to compare because it has something that you are missing now even if you wouldn't go back to that fully given the choice.

[Sharkano]

Yes that's right @morningstar66 the basic affections of marriage are hugely missing and although I've obviously changed from the woman he met, I never would have predicted that in years to come, we wohld have a sexless marriage void of affection. He was very affectionate in the beginning and after we started having sex, seemed quite keen on it for the first year, but after DC1, it faded away.

He says he doesn't feel the need for sex and when I likened our set up to living as housemates, he agreed and said that he ws consent with the set up. So I'm not the only person who has changed here to posters upthread who are blaming me.

[Kiduknot]

It could still work if you like and respect him. You could find fun through friends and outside interests and detach a bit from his family, - but you’ve got to have his support to do this and it doesn’t sound as if he’ll let you tbh. I also think it’s all a bit too far gone and you’ve emotionally detached from him.

Now it’s just a case of trying to do it all with the least amount of trauma to the children.
I wouldn’t tell him details of your wild past but it will help him to understand, if you tell him how you feel in retrospect, is that you were in a fairly calm/recovering period in your life after a turbulent past, and he was exactly what you needed at the time and you are extremely grateful that he came along, but over the years you feel you’ve changed and lost yourself somewhat.That it’s not his fault, but now you need something different to feel fulfilled. Not either of your faults, and you are really sad about it, but you’ve just grown apart.

[onelittlefrog]

I think you have to think about what you actually want.

You say you don't want the wild life you have before - you want more love and more passion.

How will you achieve this? Is it really relevant or necessary to tell your husband all about your past, is this going to help? I feel like you need to focus on the changes you actually want to happen now, in your life and your relationship, and look towards the future not the past.

It sounds like you're not really feeling seen. I get it. But sitting down your husband and saying "this is my past" and going through the whole lot? I don't think that will get you what you want because there is no focus to it, it's just venting.

You need to paint an actual picture of what you want your future to look like. What needs to be different now in order for you to be happy, and can your husband fit into that? If not then yes, you do need to think about whether you should stay together, but also think about how breaking up will achieve what you want.

Will you just go back to the wild partying (which you've said you don't really want?) How will splitting up achieve what you want?

These are really big questions without real answers, but you also need to remember it's not your husband's fault. He is who he is and if he is serious and stable and that doesn't suit you, that's OK, but try not to "blame" him for just being himself.

I hope things work out for you - good luck x

[Disfordarkchocolate]

You don't need to tell him anything about your past, that's not the reason you are unhappy. If you told him he would tell his family and the disapproval would be massive, God knows how many nasty comments you would have to endure.

Take that step and separate, you are too young to spend the rest of your life like this. I married a man 9 years older than me, who I thought was close to his family in a nice way. What he actually was was a spoilt man child whose mother hated her children being out of her control. If I had been older I would have had the good sense to run a mile before I got pregnant.

Go and live a good life, show your children how much fun life can be, what a good relationship looks like.

[Sharkano]

The problem is that I've explained how I want things to be and what I envision and he agrees, but doesn't follow through. I think that part of him wants the same future that I want- he says so, but he doesn't want to put the effort in or make steps towards what's needed. So he says one thing and does another.

[Sharkano]

"What he actually was was a spoilt man child whose mother hated her children being out of her control. If I had been older I would have had the good sense to run a mile before I got pregnant."

@disfordarkchocolate I relate to this entirely.

[Monestera]

I feel like you are blaming him. You blame him for finding you in your exceptional year, you blame him for slotting you in to his family house, you blame him for changing over the course of ten years. You appear to discount that these were all decisions you made too.

You're not happy. It's ok to separate and divorce. But if you don't take responsibility for your own actions I think you're going to be just as unhappy without him as you are with him.

[onelittlefrog]

It's also worth thinking about why you have the urge to tell your husband about your past.

Are you blaming him in some way?

You mentioned that he brushed off your wild past and said he wasn't too interested in the past and wanted to move forward with you.

That's a reasonable thing for him to feel and say, but maybe it ended up with you not feeling truly validated and seen.

The thing is, you've now been with him for ten years, and he is thoroughly used to you as you are. It sounds like you've been putting on a front and now you're tired.

If you feel like you are still that person who you were before you met him, then there's a problem, because you haven't expressed that to him during the last ten years, and in some ways you have been (unintentionally) deceiving him about who you are.

He told you he didn't care about it because he thought it was a bad thing, that you would be admitting to things you felt guilty about or ashamed of, and he didn't want to put you through that. I'm guessing he thought he was protecting you, but actually you ended up feeling unseen.

However, despite all that, I still think it's irrelevant for you to drag all of that up now, to make him sit down and listen to stories about your past, because it's been ten years. Really that ship has sailed and if it was that important you should have told him more about it back then, even though he said he didn't want to know.

I just don't think it will achieve anything at this point. You need to look to the future and figure out what action you want to take, rather than dwell on the past and whose fault all of this is.

[MatildaIThink]

It will be hard, but just get divorced, trying to explain what you were like will not make any sense to him anyway. He has become morbidly obese and gone from safe to totally boring (for you), you are no longer compatible, if you even were in the first place.

You are not happy with him, you likely never will be, he night lose a stone or two and go from morbidly obese to borderline morbidly obese. He might do a few things for six months then he will go back to his old ways, you will get fed up again and you will be a year or two older.

Leaving him and getting divorced is going to be painful,but in the long run staying will be far worse.

[onelittlefrog]

@Sharkano

The problem is that I've explained how I want things to be and what I envision and he agrees, but doesn't follow through. I think that part of him wants the same future that I want- he says so, but he doesn't want to put the effort in or make steps towards what's needed. So he says one thing and does another.

In this case I guess you need to give him an ultimatum because you are obviously unhappy in the current situation. If you cannot be happy together then you will obviously need to leave the relationship. If you want to stay together then you both need to take action towards making that happen.

[MatildaIThink]

@Sharkano

The problem is that I've explained how I want things to be and what I envision and he agrees, but doesn't follow through. I think that part of him wants the same future that I want- he says so, but he doesn't want to put the effort in or make steps towards what's needed. So he says one thing and does another.

He does not agree, he give you platitudes to stop an uncomfortable conversation or situation. He does not want the same future or he would not be where he is now and would be changing if he wanted to. Weak people say things to avoid confrontation or discomfort, that is what he is doing, he will not change so you either have to accept him for who he is now or leave, changing him is not an option.

[Justwantanewname]

I don’t think telling him about your past would achieve anything. The point is he doesn’t know you NOW and never will, hence your decision to split

[BlackPuddingfor2]

Your past is irrelevant

You have spoken about the future together &
he seems uninterested in making changes

You are unhappy

Follow through with the plans to divorce

However, you need to decide what you want next

[HolaAmigoz]

I’m in a very similar situation op. I sympathise and you don’t need permission to leave an unhappy marriage, if it isn't working for you. I do agree with pp that you are blaming him for a lot of things, though.

In my case, I met dh in similar circumstances to you, after years of partying and having sex/short relationships with ‘bad boy’ types. He was safe, secure, dependable, hard working. We got together, got married and got pregnant very quickly. I now have 3 dc and they are my life, I don’t regret that decision for even a second. Dh is happy to just plod along, like your dh. We barely have sex, have no affection, he doesn’t even hug and kiss me anymore. He’s happy to carry on on this life but I need more. I can’t blame him for everything because if I really think about it, I was at a point in my life where I felt I wanted to settle down and have dc, and he was the best option. I’m not saying I didn’t love him. I did, but part of me knew I was sacrificing the love and passion for safe and secure. His sex drive has massively decreased after dc whereas mine has stayed the same and it’s just not compatible.

You don’t need to tell him about your past, there’s really no point. Think about if telling him something about your past will change the situation. Do you think it will impact, positively, on your relationship? My dh knows bit and pieces of my past but even if I told him more, it would change how he acts towards me now.

I had a huge heart to heart with dh a few months ago and told him what I needed, bluntly. He changed for about a week and then went back to his old ways. Tbh I think he wants the security of a wife, cook, cleaner, mother to his kids and he’s happy with that. I’m not so I’ve made plan to leave as I refuse to spend the rest of my life miserable.

Decide what you want to do and make a decision as, honestly, life is so short and we all deserve to be happy.

[E11en]

You were single then so I don't know why you think you owe him your past.

It sounds like the marriage is over. Be the brave one who acknowledges that first. Don't stir up extra hurt so that he beats you with a sharper stick and /or ends it.

[RedToothBrush]

The real you includes the part that was looking for safety and security when the wild life started to jade and rear its dark side.

You've now come to the conclusion that the grass isn't greener, but the reality is even if you leave you cant recapture your youth and you have responsibilities you didn't have before.

You could leave and chase your wild side only for it to dawn on you that actually you can't relive your past either.

The issue is that your marriage isn't satisfying you though and its not making you happy whilst he is comfortable in it and largely unwilling to recognise or make an effort about how you are unhappy. He is so comfortable he has become lazy with the relationship and takes you for granted. He doesn't make you feel loved or special. You are just 'there'.

And I think that is what you really want. Not the wild times - but where you had moments of feeling amazing and like you were the centre of the universe. When you first met your DH he was safe and secure but he made you feel special in his own way. Now thats faded with the passage of time and the hum of day to day monotony.

You don't share a joy in life or a free spirit moment where you just do something ridiculous or spontaneous. Or go what the hell. Its mortgages and pension schemes and routine and you feel trapped by that.

And realistically hes never going to change or understand that.

Even your divorce is a little bit 'well because I can' and makes little sense to a lot of people.

But i think you are looking for someone who enjoys living and wants to make to most of it. Even if its deciding at 2am in the morning you should grab your kids and go star gazing because its Tuesday and there is a clear sky. Before going home, getting a few more hours kip and going to work as normal. Just to share 'moments' with.

Whether this person exists or is a fantasy is another story.

You have to ask yourself can I do that on my own with kids without being terribly lonely and less financially secure? Or can I do that within my marriage and sod it if my husband doesn't like it?

Cos you are chasing dreams if you think a white knight is going to suddenly appear. Or is it the chase you are after (yep it is) and realistically is that going to make you happy or just bring drama and other heartache?

I don't think there is an easy answer but blaming someone you chose for being the way he was which was why you picked him, is grossly unfair. You made a misjudgement too. It is your fault. But you also need to be honest with yourself that actually you wanted to stop the way your life was because that made you miserable too. And you are now seeing the thrill of the chase through rose tinted spectacles.

Don't blame him for being fat and comfortable. Thats what his life plan always was and you should have clocked it.

If you walk away do so understanding its about freedom from expectations and routine and not about finding someone better. And decide on things as part of that life where you can get those moments.

[E11en]

Wow @RedToothBrush such a good post.

And you've made me feel less shame (I still hold on to a tiny bit of shame) for getting together with my emotionally crippled x because it was a similar dynamic to the op's situation. Not as extreme as I had no mental health issues, no drugs, not even too much alcohol, but although I had a lot of social needs and a lot of people I was friendly with and too, I had nothing much to show for my life. I wanted security and when I met my abusive x who was reserved and successful and at first we seemed to answer each others prayers. And could have done if he hadn't eventually projected all of his inadequacies outwards on to me.

[E11en]

''The real you includes the part that was looking for safety and security when the wild life started to jade and rear its dark side.''

Just quoting this because it's resonating with me although I'm not the OP.

It might be worth asking him what he wants to get out of life. Can the op set out to love life, and life life and disconnect a little from his zone of comfort. His staying in his comfort zone is exasperating to the OP and I get that but maybe think about how you can live life and love life more as an individual. That might (or might not) motivate him a little. But either way, it's your own balance that you need to find. You're the one who needs this recalibration.

xx

[Sharkano]

@redtoothbrush I followed your post with understanding and appreciation until I got to this part:
"Don't blame him for being fat and comfortable. Thats what his life plan always was and you should have clocked it"
I think it may be the most bonkers statement I've ever read on MN.

[rougemouse]

The real you is somewhere in between though. You're not your past but you're also not this pretend version of yourself you were forced to create in order to get your life on track.

I don't think you need to tell him about your past, nor do I think it would help, but you need to tell him how unhappy you are in the here and now and see if changes can be made.