To Tell DH about the "real" me?

[Sharkano]

I know we all have a past, even him, but I've come to a point where I feel like my life is so far removed from who I was before DH, that I need him to see/realise why I'm so unhappy in this role. I haven't felt like me in almost 10 years.

When we met, I told him I had a bit of wild past and would have shared the details, but he told me that he didn't care about any of it and loved me for who I was when we met. But, because he doesn't really know who I was, I feel like he doesn't really know me.

I had a lot of sex, very experimental, partied all the time, had some crazy flings and relationships, got in trouble a few times and suffered with some horrible mental health issues. He doesn't really know who I was or the details of any of it.

We met after I'd spent a year focusing purely on my career, I'd put myself on a man ban, hadn't partied for a year and knuckled down. I met him during a short chapter of my life when I didn't really have a life other than work. He was quiet, dependable, safe, 8 years older than me and still a virgin in his mid-thirties. I found it endearing, he was lovely, but looking back, I think he fell for the idea of me and didn't actually get to know me at all. He had his life set up- owned a family home already and just needed a woman to slot into it. I was attracted to the stability he represented and his calm approach to life along with him- he seemed lovely.

Within a year we were engaged, married shortly after with a baby on the way. It went so quickly, everything happened so fast. He was extremely close to his overbearing family who took over, he loved nothing more than spending time with his parents and I lost myself within the confines of his life and the expectations for me to go along with everything, spending hours a few times a week listening to his mother's problems and her visions for our family. She even suggested we move into a home close to theirs.

I now have 2 kids with him and other responsibilities. We have a non-existent sex life. DH is now morbidly obese, I feel wild if I eat a large bar of galaxy when the kids are in bed. I see friends sometimes, go to the gym, play with my kids who I adore and my life centres around. His family make underhanded criticisms towards me and I get to sit and listen to them bigging up their wonderful son who everybody seems to love (not sure I do anymore).

I'm glad my life isn't wild like it was before, but I'm finding myself missing elements of it, primarily the passion. Now that DCs aren't babies anymore, I'm looking around thinking "where is me in all of this?" I've told DH I'm unhappy and need so much more love in our lives, but he says he's content without. I've told him we should probably divorce but he says he doesn't want that either. He's older than his years, doesn't know how to have fun, doesn't joke, doesn't laugh, takes himself far too seriously. His family are all serious too.

Part of me wonders, if I tell him the truth, tell him what really makes me tick, the fun and passion that was in my life before him, maybe he would realise that I'm not who he thought I was and that really, unless something changes we would need to part. I want him to know about me.
I want him to see that this monotonous, no-fun life he's sketched out for us- it just isn't me.

Or is it just not worth it? Because it wouldn't change anything?

[timeisnotaline]

It’s not the real you. It’s your past, just as the you who met Dh is your past. The more maturely you handle this the better the person you will be. You know that the you now (who is not either/any of your past yous) is incompatible with being married to your dh and you are planning to leave. That’s it. No false narratives about ‘the real me’ when you too played a part in the getting into a relationship and married, you owe the you who is divorcing and planning to try and live your best life real honesty and this make it a blame me game is not real honesty.

[trappistkepler]

@timeisnotaline

yes exactly.

[Neonplant]

It sounds like you settled and we're looking for him to rescue you and set you up in a new conventional life. Without much self reflection on why you wanted this. Then seem to be quite contemptuous of him for delivering exactly the life you expect.

But obviously you can leave a relationship for whatever reason you want to. So you're not under any obligation to stay with him just because you let him believe you wanted the same things. But perhaps actually being honest about your past might help him understand why you're different and things aren't working out.

I'm not normally one to be remotely on the man's side and I'm sure he's not been blameless as it sounds like he should stand up to his family for instance. But I sort of feel like you owe him an explanation as to why him being and living in a way he said he would on now not what you want.

Also in future it's probably worth reflecting on how you can make decisions based on what you want and need for your authentic self. Rather than what you think you should be doing.

[starrynight21]

I don't think that your past life was "the real you" at all. Most of us had a different kind of life when we were young and single - but that wasn't "the real person". Telling him about your past life won't make him understand you at all - it will just make him think that you've been living a lie all these years . He hasn't been living a lie - he is and was the same person, the one you married and had children with. If you're unhappy, fine, get a divorce. But don't try to convince yourself that your youthful escapades were "the real you".

[NumberTheory]

So, he's not prepared to make any concessions or compromises, isn't bothered that you're not satisfied since he is, has decided counselling "isn't for him", and doesn't think you should get divorced. Of course he doesn't think you should get divorced, his life is exactly how he wants it and he doesn't intend to change.

He isn't behaving the way he is because he doesn't know the "real" you. He's behaving the way he is because he's happy enough with his life and he doesn't care that you aren't.

What realisation do you think he's going to come to if you tell him about how wild you used to be? Do you think he's going to think "Oh, I know she told me she wasn't happy but now that I hear how much she use to party I see she wasn't lying after all, it must be true and I'll make some changes"? BEcause that is not the way it works.

Telling him the truth about your youth at this point will, as others have said, just give him and his family a stick to beat you with during and after the divorce.

[NumberTheory]

@Neonplant

It sounds like you settled and we're looking for him to rescue you and set you up in a new conventional life. Without much self reflection on why you wanted this. Then seem to be quite contemptuous of him for delivering exactly the life you expect.

But obviously you can leave a relationship for whatever reason you want to. So you're not under any obligation to stay with him just because you let him believe you wanted the same things. But perhaps actually being honest about your past might help him understand why you're different and things aren't working out.

I'm not normally one to be remotely on the man's side and I'm sure he's not been blameless as it sounds like he should stand up to his family for instance. But I sort of feel like you owe him an explanation as to why him being and living in a way he said he would on now not what you want.

Also in future it's probably worth reflecting on how you can make decisions based on what you want and need for your authentic self. Rather than what you think you should be doing.

While I think there's a fair bit of truth to the way OP seems to have fallen into the relationship without really thinking it through, the same was true for her DH. He married a significantly younger woman from a position of power, shut her down when she tried to tell him about herself and has since shut down her attempts to come to mutually agreeable compromise.

I don't think he's any less guilty than OP of seeing the other as a fill for a need rather than as a person.

[mathanxiety]

I've told DH I'm unhappy and need so much more love in our lives, but he says he's content without. I've told him we should probably divorce but he says he doesn't want that either.

He has already told you all that needs to be said about himself, and I think you should file that and accept that you have grown into adulthood and he hasn't, and it's time to make the decision that is best for you and the children.

[MitheringMytryl]

I'm not sure I'd bother, to be honest.

Sounds like you are already half way out of the door. Once you're through the other side and have properly left him, I don't think it will matter much that you didn't tell him. Focus on your future.

[nicecheesegromit]

Don't tell him. No point. He knows you're unhappy already and it may give his self-esteem another massive blow. I think if you can both walk out of a divorce with some dignity and self worth intact, you'll be in a good place for the next stage in your separate lives. And you'll have to deal with each other, hopefully amicably, about the DCs. They need to see a positive atmosphere between you about their arrangements for their own well-being and future attitudes to relationships

[Greencharge]

Don’t tell him. You would be giving him and his family ammunition to use against you at any time in the future when it suits them.

[FluffyWhiteBird]

Or is it just not worth it? Because it wouldn't change anything?

Yes this. It's pointless. He's become even more dull than he was when you met. You want to return a little bit to your socialising days. You've both changed but in different directions. He isn't this way because he doesn't understand you, he's this way because it's who he is. You've already spoke to him about it and had your answer, he's happy as you are and has no intention of changing. I'd divorce before it drags you down further.

[GoodnightGrandma]

@Sharkano

I'm already quite far long in seeing a solicitor etc. I work and can support me and the children but would need to move and sell the house to buy something smaller. I know how much mortage I can borrow and roughly how much deposit I'll have to put down after the sale of the house I'm in. It's just doing it.

Don’t tell him.
He will tell his parents and they will all use it against you. When he has the kids who knows what they will tell the kids about you.
Just proceed with the divorce and bow out gracefully.

[Dozer]

Your thoughts and feelings about your past, and your current situation, seem to be for you yourself, as you’re unhappy and are seeking to decide what to do now.

It seems improbable that anyone would benefit from
you telling DH now about your past health and life experiences.

You seem to have decided that you no longer want to be in a relationship with DH, so would crack on with separation and divorce. Life as a single parent will be very different again.

[Subbaxeo]

I would agree with the posts advising not to tell. What would that achieve? Neither of you are who you were 10 years ago. You need to look at where you’re going now and have an honest conversation with him about going forward-either changes you want in your marriage or to part as respectfully as possible and maintain a loving relationship with your children. Anyone would feel stifled and trapped in your circumstances irrespective of whether their last was wild or not.

[Subbaxeo]

*past

[MoreSpaghetti]

I think it would be pointless telling him, what would it achieve.
You couldn’t even go back to that ‘real you’ anyway, which sounds a bit risky and potentially neglectful if children are going to be dragged along for the ride.
You can end a relationship simply because you are not happy.

[Thatsplentyjack]

Well unless you are planning to go back to that life, I don't see the point in telling him it will change nothing. Just leave him. You telling him you used to have wild, experimental sex isn't going to make him think he needs to make things more exciting for you.

[Nowstrong]

You are the real you. You just have different needs, feelings, passions. You do not need to tell him of the "old" you. That is no-one's business. You both deserve to be free to live your lives as you want to. I think you have fallen out of love with him and you should be kind and allow him, and yourself, to move on. Life is too short.

[Thatsplentyjack]

Loads of us have a wild past, but we don't pine for it or wish we were still living it. It's only because you are unhappy in your current situation.
Honestly, I think if a man posted this he would be told to grow up.

[lemonadecar]

I think it sounds like the reason these thoughts have come up OP is that you are honing in on the reason your marriage hasn’t worked — your own truth that you need to find to leave with confidence — which is that you haven’t built a life together but rather you’ve slotted in to his existing life, in the wife-shape he’d already set out. That is why you are looking for signs of ‘your life’ and who you are, even from the long past, as it feels it must have been left out of the mix. It’s too late now to start building a shared life from the ingredients of who you were a decade ago. That ship has sailed.

[lorca]

OP - I was you about 10 years ago. i spent my young life carefree, travelling, doing what I wanted and seeing the world. After about 10 years of this, I suddenly wanted to 'settle down' - I met my (now ex)DH and got married, had kids, threw myself into them and their young lives, 10 years or so later, When they got older, we bought a do-er-upper and I threw myself into that as well.
After another 10 years or so, I got bored. Kids were grown up nearly, house was done, I had a part-time job and had no conversation that wasn't kids or job-related. (we went to a party and I found myself talking about fucking Eastenders, which I didn't even watch! I had no other conversation )

I had to leave. Eldest child had left home, I took the others and bought a house nearby so they still saw him and his family. I went out, I went on planes, I feel as if I am me again. DC are happy and settled.

What I think, is that people go through 10-15 year cycles - after 10-15 years the life you are living gets too much, too staid, too boring. (like the 7-year-itch?) It's not necessarily a bad thing. Different stages in life need different 'you'.

[bigbaggyeyes]

The thing that stood out to me in your post op, is that you've told him you're unhappy, and his response was 'he's content'. He's not willing to go to counciling either. Sounds like he's also selfish. If someone you love comes to you and tells you they are unhappy, surely your response would be 'how do we fix this' and not 'I'm ok jack'

Him telling you he doesn't want a divorce is irrelevant, you can divorce him without his agreement.

[lemonadecar]

(posted too soon) But, it seems like the insight, and the memory of those days, has been a useful process as part of working out that you did not make a shared life equally from both your ingredients. I bet there are other elements of you left out too. Would he recognise the you before that time, who you were as a little girl for instance, the jokes and games abs adventures you enjoyed?

[Cherrysoup]

You sound thoroughly stifled and bored. I think you’re doing the right thing to get out.

[EmeraldRaine]

I think you just need to accept youre totally incompatible and break up. He sounds very boring.