I've stopped going to hobby club after our breakup. What should I do?

[Chloeblue]

We broke up in January after 4 years together. We both have been in a hobby club for all these years. The club resumed early summer. I've heard he's been back but only a couple of times. I haven't been at all. I can't explain why but I just can't face it. It took me about six months to stop crying over the breakup and I really don't want to see him or hear anything about him. Friends have said I shouldn't let him 'win' but I don't really see it like this; I'm trying to do what's best for me and I think that means leaving. Anyone else been in a similar situation? Should I return/ leave/ give it more time to see how I feel?

Hobby club will still be there when you can face it and him. You won't feel like this forever, take it as an opportunity to try different things or try doing your hobby with a different club. Giving yourself space and deciding you can't face him yet isn't letting him win, it's self care.
Good luck to you.

Is there another branch or group you could go to? Or is now the time to start a new hobby?

I honestly wouldn't go back.
I had this with my ex and it just made the whole getting rid of him and keeping him away too difficult. It blurred the lines and we ended up in a get together, break up, get together, break up, never-ending story.

Can you find somewhere else to go to do this hobby?
What is it? Is it really something where there isn't any other group doing the same thing? It would be a shame to give it up completely so better to find an alternative group if possible.
Or a similar group - eg. if it's music and you were in an orchestra, could you join a wind band or a string quartet or whatever is relevant for the instrument you play. Or a jazz group instead of classical.

It doesn't matter if he "wins". What matters is you protect yourself. If you are still going to be upset to see him, then avoid and find another club or hobby.

It's a running club. I'd made a couple of good friends in the club too and we'd mutual friends, who I haven't really seen since. I know there are others but I actually just don't feel like joining another one right at the moment. However, I'll continue to run myself for the moment and I do know I won't feel like this forever. It was him ended the relationship coldly with me, but I know he'll continue going.

Can you meet up with the friends you made there separately?
Just enjoying running yourself, maybe the friends can join you occasionally and then you could join a new club when and if you do feel like it.
It's not a niche hobby where going to the club where he is would be the only option.

I understand this. I've put off going to a hobby due to a misunderstanding with a on / off relationship.
I've decided to return even though I don't want to see him as its going to hurt. I've asked a friend to come along. Can you do this?

Start or join another club. Don't go back to this one. Also start dating and enjoying yourself and once you're having fun with an amazing man who dotes on you, you won't care about him.

I experienced the same when I split up with my now ex husband. He’d been having an affair with someone at our local tennis club. I’d love to play again but it brings back so many unpleasant memories it’s not worth it. I moved on to cycling.

@WatieKatie That's how I feel. Although a lot of good memories, too many bad ones now also.

Im sorry to read this... because its affected something you enjoyed and could really use to destress (I imagine) and the support you would get from close friends there too..

Im sorry that this has affected a huge part of what could have been a great tool to free your soul..

I hope you either find the strength to return or you can perhaps find another group to join soon 🌸

I suppose I'm a bit angry because I know he's gone back but I am getting out for walks and runs and will see in a few months if I feel like joining another club. At the moment it's not something I feel like doing.

Just thought I'd update and seek a little advice. I've gone on 5 runs now with a new club as I was really missing being part of a club, but feel I've not really gelled with them yet. They've been welcoming enough but are quite cliquey. I couldn't muster up the enthusiasm to go out with them on Saturday so I just went on my own. Last night I was dreaming about my old club!

I suppose I'm wondering should I give it more time?

I've had no contact at all with him and he's out running regularly with the old club. It might seem silly, but still upsets me at times.

Just go to the old club!!! He doesn't own it, does he? You're giving him way too much brain space!

Regarding your update OP. You clearly want to meet up with your old club again so just do it!

Regarding him. There’ll never be a right time, right headspace to see him again so take some control of that situation – you know you’ll see him there so you can mentally prepare yourself for that (rather than randomly bumping into him in the street and feeling flustered and caught off-guard).

I think the fear of seeing him again is worse than it actually happening. Yes, you will react internally (that thud thud thud feeling in your chest) and yes you will feel awkward when you acknowledge/have that first conversation, but honestly, it goes. It really does. Plus, once you get into your run, that will occupy your mindspace (especially if the couple of people you were friendly with still go).

There’s also the possibility that you might see him now and feel absolutely nothing towards him, or even resentment and be left wondering what you ever saw in him – happened to me once after a year of “avoidance tactics” – I just assumed that if I saw him again I’d fall for him all over again and it would re-open old wounds, that wasn’t the case. That first conversation was still awkward but not half as bad as I expected because I just … felt nothing, romantically, for him.

Are you still in contact with the couple of people you knew from the club from before? Could you get in touch with them and briefly explain you’d love to rejoin the club but need a bit of a hand hold because he’ll probably be there and it’ll be the first time you’ve seen him since you split?

Of course, if you don’t think you’re actually over HIM yet then yes maybe leave it a bit longer but if it’s just the worry/awkwardness of seeing him again then please, don’t let that stop you.