Unsupportive best friend!

[JeyK]

Hey girls! Just going through a difficult time and would love to hear some advice from outsiders..
Just to elaborate I’m a 26 year old I have recently got out of a three year emotionally/physically abusive relationship and have a 11 month old daughter. (my relationship started to get really bad after my daughter was born which resulted in me getting out a restraining order on my daughters dad over the last few months)..I have been friends with my best friend for over 10 years and I did sense signs of belittling and patronising things over the years (never really praises me when something good happens I just sense envy sometimes) but it’s not something I’ve really noticed until recently. I had only been with my ex partner for 11 months before I found out I was pregnant and she always used to say to me “you haven’t been with him long enough, why do you want a baby? are you sure this is what you want? you still got life to live” etc etc.. Especially when I first found out I was pregnant and during my pregnancy she wasn’t supportive because she didn’t approve of my relationship.

I feel like I’ve gone through a major transition in the last few months & I’m very spiritual and I believe all those people that no longer serve me are now coming to light.

I’ve been going through a very hard time with my ex partner/anxiety/social services/court dates etc over the past year, I only have about 2-3 friends and my mum. It got to a point where I needed to address I feel like she hasn’t supported me at all even during my pregnancy she was very dismissive of my feelings upsetting me quite often with her words. She is also my daughters godmother and I feel like she has not made an effort since I’ve had my daughter she barely has a bond with her and my daughter hardly sees her out of all the people around me. PLOT TWIST.. She has recently now found out that she is pregnant with her new partner she has only been with for 7 MONTHS (hypocrite much?) and me being true to myself I just can’t give her the same support because I remember how shit she made me feel. I was true to myself and expressed recently where some of this resentment like feelings were coming from she sort of projected this onto me by saying She’s been busy and she doesn’t understand where all of this is coming from and doesn’t agree with what I’m saying and acting oblivious. I just wanted some sort of acknowledgement so we can move forward but maybe her reaction shows that I have maybe just outgrown the friendship and come to my senses…

Just wanted some advice on how to move forward we haven’t spoken for a few days and I’m such an over thinker. Her first scan is coming up soon and I’m just not really sure how to act. A lot of my other friends have kids as I do myself and I would love to of been that supportive friend for her during this time but I just think my true self won’t let me do that. I feel bad for feeling like this!

Any input would be appreciated! Thanks xxx

*Sorry forgot to add - I think what has brought us to this point is that she just expects me to be there for her whenever she’s ready to unload any baggage on me without even asking how me or my daughter are. She’ll send me five minute long voice notes talking about her pregnancy and not even for a second thinks “oh so how have you been?” Considering I’ve been going through so much recently, It’s like she just expects me to be there for her without acknowledging that she hasn’t really been a good friend.

Just drop her. Too much drama, from her, and from you, by the sounds of it. 'Plot twist'? You're not in a film.

@TheFoundations lol I’m saying plot twist because it’s funny how the tables turn. Definitely living in real life love.

Often when we finally recognise abusive partners, we start to see similar personalities in other areas of our life. Unfortunately, where theres one, theres often more. Because our boundaries are so weakened by one, that we accept things we should not from others.

Narcissistic sorts as friends often out themselves by only ever talking about themselves and by being thoroughly unsupportive and unkind on sats where a kind word would gave brightened your day. They prefer to bring you down rather than lift you up. Basically, they aren't friends. Or even pleasant acquaintance.

Its good that your blinkers are coming off now.
It is a good time to start removing toxic and unsupportive types from your life. And choose to surround yourself with people who are kind, who treat you and others kindly. And who treat themselves with kindness too, so that they can help you learn by example to do the same for yourself.

*on days where a kind word would have

She tried to help you before you got hurt and you didn't see that. I'd assume she was upset that you didn't listen.

But now you're judging her for doing the same things you did.

I'd say this is no longer a healthy friendship for either of you. I'd walk away for your own sanity.

So she didn't spare your feelings at a very important time in your life and she doesn't make much of an effort with here goddaughter, yet she expects you to be supportive about her and her pregnancy.

There's a huge disparity in this friendship.

Because you'll both have DCs soon it really doesn't mean she will change her spots and personally I would distance myself from her.
It sounds like you're pretty much done with her anyway and I don't blame you.

@girlmom21 I hear the trying to warn me thing.. but when I first got pregnant it wasn’t so much of an abusive relationship for her to be so Judgemental and unsupportive.

I’m not judging her now but she’s left me with no choice but to notice her contradicting behaviour. Also I believe in friendships you may not always necessarily agree with her decision and you give them your opinion.. BUT You also support them with which ever road they decide to go down.. not withholding support just because you don’t like my choices. Backwards.

@JeyK I agree with you. Her actions in every sense were completely shitty.

@Pinkbonbon

Often when we finally recognise abusive partners, we start to see similar personalities in other areas of our life. Unfortunately, where theres one, theres often more. Because our boundaries are so weakened by one, that we accept things we should not from others.

Narcissistic sorts as friends often out themselves by only ever talking about themselves and by being thoroughly unsupportive and unkind on sats where a kind word would gave brightened your day. They prefer to bring you down rather than lift you up. Basically, they aren't friends. Or even pleasant acquaintance.

Its good that your blinkers are coming off now.
It is a good time to start removing toxic and unsupportive types from your life. And choose to surround yourself with people who are kind, who treat you and others kindly. And who treat themselves with kindness too, so that they can help you learn by example to do the same for yourself.

I'd say pink bon bon is spot on here!

These things are rarely completey black and white, but the basic facts seem to be that she judged you for having a child after being with someone for 11 months, but wasn't willing to suck it up and be a supportive friend. Now that she is in the same situation she expects you to say nothing and to be supportive.

This against a backdrop of her generally being unsupportive, acting jealous and not being happy when you have good news. I would just accept she isn't a great friend and start to distance yourself. Hopefully you can transition to distant 'friends' without any big drama or fallout. But if she insists on an explanation, you can tell her that you couldn't stand her hypocrasy and her lack of support generally as a friend.

Sounds like she’s wanted a baby for a while and when you got pg that was her showing her jealousy.

If she doesn’t see that’s what she did now then she probably won’t in the future either.

My thoughts are keep your real friends close and just be a bit busy or whatever with her

And don’t see her as often.

you both sound like crap friends

@poolsidefashion lol she even told me a few weeks back “You've been the best friend I could ask for” so not sure how you came up with that but ok... if you don’t have advice then don’t comment.

Friends can be abusive as well as partners. Sounds like at the very least you have moved on from each other.

[quote JeyK]@poolsidefashion lol she even told me a few weeks back “You've been the best friend I could ask for” so not sure how you came up with that but ok... if you don’t have advice then don’t comment.[/quote]
Are you new to mumsnet? If you make a post on a public forum, people are entitled to give their opinion

@dearmrpresident lol yeah I am don’t really get your point. Like I said before If your not gonna say something constructive then don’t say anything at all.

So... you've made a post where you want people to join in and sympathise only with you, not give their opinion if it isn't what you want to hear?

Good luck!!!!
You don't get to dictate what people say.
I'm sensing a theme here...

It's hard when you don't approve of a friend's DP. Just because you didn't see his abusive traits in the early days, doesn't mean that she didn't. Still, there's nothing you can say to be right in that situation, especially given the pregnancy. I've had the same with a close friend and I didn't say anything, was supportive when she had the DC and also later when they broke up because of his abuse. But looking back I wish I'd spoken up sooner - even if she'd not have listened to me and maybe thought I was a bad friend like you felt about yours, it might have helped her see it sooner. So I don't judge your friend for disapproving, and I do absolutely think you're judging your friend now. It's disingenuous to say you're not, and that you want to be supportive it's somehow beholden on you to not to be on some 'true self' principle. There's a definite undercurrent of "serves her right!" payback vibe to your post. If you're really being spiritual, then be the bigger person and model good friendship for her. If that's not really what you want to do, and fair enough with such an unhealthy dynamic all round, then step back from the whole thing. Whatever else is going on, it doesn't sound like best friends any more.

Are you going to try and control everyone’s response if you don’t agree with it OP?

Sounds to me like six of one and half a dozen of another..

Bottom line, you’re annoyed with her, so want us all to agree with your story and aren’t really looking for actual advice.

My advice FWIW: have a long hard look in the mirror. We tend to attract what we put out in the world.

@Beachtrip

So... you've made a post where you want people to join in and sympathise only with you, not give their opinion if it isn't what you want to hear?

Good luck!!!!
You don't get to dictate what people say.
I'm sensing a theme here...

yup! I wonder if friend also noticed this trait in OP

From your responses here, I'd hazard a guess that you're actually the issue in the friendship.