Overwhelming feeling that this relationship is not ‘the one’ for me

[Tintoto]

This feels so unfair to even write but I have a lovely boyfriend of over a year. He is so lovely, decent, caring and kind and I do actually love him however I have this deep down feeling that this is not ‘it’ for me, whatever that may be.
I went through a terrible divorce and even though my ex husband was so horrible to me, cheated on me, left me with nothing etc I loved him so much and can’t imagine having those feelings for anyone else. I really felt that he was ‘my one’ (if you believe it that) and on some level, as stupid as this sounds as that clearly didn’t work out, I’m not sure my heart will ever allow myself to feel that way about anyone else.
I have children and he hasn’t met them yet,the thought of that feels so strange, I’m not looking for another parent for my young children and have no interest in having family days out and not just with him, with anyone.
We have a nice time, I enjoy his company but I feel unfair when I don’t think I can ever fully open myself up to him, or maybe it will take more time.
I have spoke to him about this and he has reassured me and said he is happy to go at my pace.
I’m not sure if I’m just protecting myself subconsciously or else this just isn’t the person for me.
I read about people going through a divorce and meeting the love of their life whose a great stepparent to their children etc. I don’t imagine that for me now.
It sounds pathetic but I feel like the person I was meant to be with got away…

It sounds to me like you still need to do some work on yourself and process your past relationship(s). Did you have any counselling after what happened to try to work through your feelings? It’s never too late to heal.

As for your present/future relationship(s), it might help to think about what values are important to you, and to your partner. IME this is the closest you can get to predicting a happily ever after.

“The One” is a ridiculous trope made up by Hollywood. I’m sure you can see logically how nonsensical it is when you consider that the man you consider to be the one was so horrible to you, cheated on you, and left you with nothing.

No.. the person you were meant to be with was your abuser and to some extent you are still his victim. Perhaps get some counselling to talk it out and see clearly ?

You need time and probably therapy to help you process the abuse you suffered. If you actually feel your horrible ex was "the one", you simply aren't ready to be in a relationship.

I did have counselling for 10 sessions, thought it helped. This was straight after the relationship ended and a year before I met my boyfriend. That counselling did help but it was more around the immediate aftermath of the separation and I hadn’t even considered meeting someone else.

I can totally see how logically my ex can’t be the one. And I wouldn’t want him to be the ‘only’ person out there for me, I would never be with him again. But in terms of how I felt about him, I genuinely thought that was the relationship for me, I was so committed to him, our marriage and our little family. I can’t imagine ever feeling those strong feelings again but I would love to

I feel awful I’ve put my new boyfriend and myself in this position. I really thought I was ready to date or else I would never have even considered it. As things progress and move towards more serious territory (meeting my kids, Christmas etc) I just don’t want that at all. And it’s really not him, he’s lovely.

It is quite normal not to want a blended family too soon, that is sensible and not everyone wants someone to take the role of step parent, being your partner/bf is just fine. This relationship will be different as he's entered your life after your child, you have to build and grow the relationship over time to feel in that more secure place.

Only you know if you have strong enough feelings for him, do you in anyway doubt you're just settling?
Get out of the mindset that you've lost the one, if you were right for each other then it wouldn't of ended.

I’m not sure if I’m settling or if I’m just not ready. I met him online and I sometimes think about how I wish I was just back in the talking/early dating stages of that because then I wouldn’t have to worry about anything feeling too serious. He would be heartbroken though, and I would probably be lonely too.

I’m not sure if I’m settling or if I’m just not ready

Drop this. Drop analysing your feelings. You feel he's not the one, so deal with ending the relationship. If you feel like you feel because he would never be the one for you, or because he would be the right one if the timing was right, or he would be the right one if you hadn't suffered abuse... it's all the same result anyway. Not him, not now. If you're not sure why, that's ok and you can tell him that. 'I'm sorry, but something just feels wrong for me' is a perfectly valid way to end a relationship. Staying with him and not 'feeling it' is just as hurtful as ending it, if not more. At least ending it is honest, and you can do it gently and kindly.

I was once dumped by somebody so caringly that I fell even more in love! Heartbreaking at the time, but I would never hold it against the person, and in fact, hold the utmost respect for them for it.

Why not just enjoy the relationship as it is and not think about long term commitment until much later on?

Lots of wise information above. It's important that you put your feelings first here. If you're just not feeling it with the new guy, don't put his feelings ahead of yours - do what you need to do for yourself and if that means ending the relationship then end it. On the other hand, he's saying he's happy to go at your pace so you don't need to rush into a decision either way.

Also: if you haven't already done so, you might find it interesting to read "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. Abusive relationships can have an addictive chemistry - the highs tend to be more ecstatic than in normal relationships because of the relief that the abuser is behaving well; the hope that the change is permanent this time; the contrast with the abuse; and because abusers can love-bomb like there's no tomorrow. In the early days for women who have been in abusive relationships, functional relationships can actually feel flat and a bit dull because they don't have the fiery and desperate chemistry of the abusive relationship. It can take a while to learn to value and actually be excited by a man who is reliable, kind and supportive. I think there's incredible romance in going through the daily grind with such a partner and still finding each other interesting and wanting to be together, but it's not necessarily obvious.

It sounds like you've learned to associate a lot of drama with love, because of your previous relationship, & so now the lack of drama is making you feel like there's less love there.

I agree with PPs that you need to see a therapist to work on your issues.

Just because someone is nice and lovely doesn't mean you must automatically love them. It could be because of your issues from your previous relationship OR maybe this man isn't right for you. Counselling could help you decide.

After only a year, with children, it would also be fine to keep this on a more casual basis. Is he pushing for more?

You enjoy his company, I've seen you list his good traits, but what is it about his company you actually enjoy?

Do you think this relationship could be missing enough conflict for you? Some people like a bit of arguing - not too much as that tips them over the edge, but if they get into a perfect relationship with the 'perfect' person, they're not happy. That's because they don't want someone who's perfect. They want someone who's just right for them, and sometimes, that means having the right level of conflict or spark. Not all people are built the same, emotionally, so consider this.

I’ve been in your shoes. Quite recently actually.

Skipping past the ex-husband for a moment, I wonder whether some of these intense and unwelcome feelings are a result of the expectation (perhaps from him or from others) that come past the year mark. I wonder whether the challenge to the status quo (you’ve obviously considered meeting/not meeting the kids, Xmas etc) is what’s making you tailspin in your mind? I know that when I got past a year with my guy the questions from well-meaning friends started heading towards ‘oh, so how is it going with Mrflatwhite’/ ‘will you guys move in together’? Etc.

I found it overwhelming because I’d come out of an engagement pre-him and I was quite happy plodding along with no massive expectation. I ruminated on whether that meant he wasn’t ‘the one’.

My takeaway was this: I’m thinking about it to such an extent because I care about the outcome ergo I care for him. Plus if I’m not sure how I feel about something, it’s absolutely fine to give myself time to work it out whilst being honest. For me that sounded like ‘I’m not ready to move in with you yet. Maybe that will change’. Does this ring true for you?

Feelings are not facts and feelings change - especially after the honeymoon ends or shifts which, in my experience, happens after a year.

Finally, like you, I kept reminding myself what an amazing guy I had, how perfect he was etc. But I then allowed myself to realise he was a human with faults, just like me. I allowed myself to acknowledge that some of those faults were fuelling my feelings of doubt. And that was ok! The real relationship starts when you can ride the wave and deal with the doubts and either overcome them or find out what’s really causing them and proceed from there.

Wishing you well.