Divorce aftermath

[smilingontheinside]

I have recently become divorced and have got through relatively unscathed. Have found out my ex has a new gf and am now a complete mess. Not because I want him but I can't get over that she is living what should have been my life (daily outings, lunches, holidays, weekends away etc) am I normal to feel hurt? During the divorce it came out that my husband had been hiding money and had an enormous pension fund. He retired a few years ago but claimed (when asked by friends) that there wasn't enough for me to retire as well, so I kept on working. He never wanted to go out, even for coffee (which he now does several times a week with gf) & holidays only happened if I arranged and paid for them. My kids try not to favour one parent over the other but my ex buys their attention and I am seeing less and less of them. I have never really told them all the awful things he has done and some of the things I had buried have raised their ugly heads and this strong independant woman is having a wobble. I have no family and have lost the relationships with his family as I instigated the divorce so am seen as "the bad guy". Has anyone else felt like this and did you let your AC know exactly why you divorced and that their "poor" dad is not who they think he is or continue to let him get away with being the injured party?

I feel for you and it sounds like you were more than right to split! Hes putting on a show at the moment; she'll soon see what he's really like and how cheap he is. My ex badmouthed me and excluded me after the divorce and Ive made a point of never criticizing him in front of my kids or to his friends etc. Over time, the truth stands and people see it. And even if they don't, I have the satisfaction of being dignified.

@Viddy2021

I feel for you and it sounds like you were more than right to split! Hes putting on a show at the moment; she'll soon see what he's really like and how cheap he is. My ex badmouthed me and excluded me after the divorce and Ive made a point of never criticizing him in front of my kids or to his friends etc. Over time, the truth stands and people see it. And even if they don't, I have the satisfaction of being dignified.

This ! With bells on !

Thanks, I know its the right thing to do but my kids blame us equally for the split (maybe me a little more) but they have no idea of what he has done. I don't think it will ever occur to anyone that knows him what he is capable of as on the outside, and even to those that think they know him, he seems a quiet almost shy mild mannered man. He is a spiteful, cruel and at times threatening man who I thought I had stood up to but now realise I let him change the person I was and kept things hidden for the sake of his family and my children. Because they were shielded my AC have no idea about some of the things I was subjected to and think I left because we just didn't love each other any more and were not happy. I'm struggling to my head round whether I'm upset at his easy come new life or at myself for putting up with so much and wasting 40 years! I have come close to telling one of my children some of the things when we had words over some stuff that had been discussed othat should not have been. I'm fed up with being the parent who always has to make things right, keep everyone happy when I now have to see someone because of things I've had done to me by a seemingly lovely man.

I hope you got your hands on the big pension.

Honestly I think it's just natural to feel like this
I chucked mine out due to his drinking / lying about drinking/ gaslighting me about his drinking
I don't have any feeling for him at all
I'm feeling really good at the moment
But I know this will change when he meets someone. I know I will imagine that he has managed to sort himself out and isn't drinking anything for someone else when he wouldn't do it for me .
And it's also worse when you have kids and can't cut ties altogether. And the worry about having some other woman in your kids lives

I am in a similar position to you. I have always tried to have the upper hand and not criticise my ex to dc or friends. I have realised that I still need to tell the truth. So if someone says abc happened I say actually xyz happened. Not criticising doesn’t have to mean you don’t share your experiences.

How old are your kids ?
I knew why my parents divorced - he didn’t come home one night. As a kid DF was my ‘favourite’, probably because i only saw him once a week and he took me out to places. As an adult I see what a poor situation we were left in, and what a great life he and his new family had.
I don’t hold it against him now, but I don’t forget it.

You know, I doubt he will change. At the moment he’s wining and dining the new woman, but he won’t be able to keep the facade up.

The 40 years weren't wasted, you had your children you love and it was a learning experience -- that you got yourself out of! Congrats. Your future is time that WONT be wasted on him. The kids will realise as adults, probably not before, unfortunately, but ultimately, and provided they run no risks with him, isn't it better for them to not know? I don't envy the new girlfriend at all. My ex has a new girlfriend and my children are still under 10 so I was literally nauseous with fear that they'd love her more than me. Hasn't happened yet and they say she's very nice, so that's all that matters to me, but I'll admit Im so scared that one day they'll prefer to live with them.
Things will get easier with time and especially if/when you meet someone special and can't even remember what life was like before!

Sorry I correct that, your children will realise *when they become parente themselves (they're already adults, right?)

Tbh lying to your kids is not an effective strategy. It doesn't protect them, it leaves them vulnerable to be easily manipulated.