I'm being worn down

[Calibrate]

My husband is an alcoholic. A few weeks ago something in me snapped, and I decided to end our relationship. Not sure what in me had changed, but he saw it and realised that was it. He has not had a drink since, has started councelling and is accepting any help the gp and local services offer him. I overheard him on the phone to the doctors the other day, telling the receptionist why he needed help, that his motivation was me and he has never been so scared in his life as he is now.

I have been extremely good at keeping my distance and leaving him to deal with his issues, being friendly but detached, but a couple of nights ago I felt so lonely I let him back into my bed where we laid side by side, held hands and chatted. He is now on cloud nine, thanking me for letting him hold my hand and being near to me, and telling me to take everything at the speed I feel comfortable with, he will wait as long as it takes for me to feel happy and confident in our relationship.

Sounds great ey? I would have given my eye teeth to hear all this at any point over the last few years, but now? I am so confused. I am angry with myself for letting him in, and angry with myself for giving him hope when I don't know if there is any.

A minor complication is that I have a male friend I have been out with a couple of times on a purely platonic basis. While it is a platonic friendship, we both admit we are attracted to each other. He is single but has stuff going on which would make a relationship difficult at the moment, and I would never cheat on my husband, even though he and I are in the situation we are currently in. Going forward we would both like to have a relationship, but both also acknowledge this may never happen.

I am so confused, it is driving me mad :(

There's no hurry to make any decisions then, is there? Your friend isn't in a position to take the relationship further atm. And you should explain to your dh that everything is up in the air. You may be able to resume the marriage, but a lot of it depends on him. . you don't trust him not to go back to his old ways and the first lapse means it's all over. He probably will lapse. They usually do.

Do you have anyone available for real life support, or contact with Al anon?

I am no expert in these matters, but I would think that there is a significant risk that he will fall off the wagon. It is perfectly reasonable to not be OK with that.

It is also reasonable to say that even if he never drinks again, you cannot forget or forgive. Alcoholism is fucking brutal on those close to the alcoholic. Please take time for yourself and do what you need to do with a clear conscience.

You really need to separate the two issues.

First of all, your marriage. Do you think it's salvageable? I imagine that you are worrying that, if you go back to 'normal' at some point he will likely slip again and you'll be back at square one dealing with his drinking problem. Perhaps you feel that, despite his huge efforts now, it's too late, and you no longer love him (or love him enough) for your marriage to be a good one.

If you husband could guarantee here and now that he'll never drink again, would you be happy to go back to married life? Would everything be basicially good again? Or is it already spoiled beyond repair?

Or do you just not know? Could it be that the love could be rekindled but you don't know. In which case how long would you be willing to give it to see?

Can you be honest with your husband. Have you told him that he already did too much damage by ognoring your pleas until you were about to leave. That you don't know if you can ever go back to being happily married again as he broke that.

Please remove the friend from the picture. Nothing good can come of it. If there is a chance for your marriage, his presence will spoil it. If there is no chance for your marriage, you need to be clear that you are leaving because of your husband's drink problem and not another man. For your sake and your husband's.

If the other man is 'right' for you, then there may come a time in the future when you are both single and available, and get together. But there is a real risk that at the moment you have a romantic idea of him (understandable in your current situation at home) that isn't real. Practically and morally, the right thing to do is stop seeing him.

I would advise taking time out from both, learning to be alone and becoming yourself as a person again, have some self love an happiness and then decide in future, if and which man you may want a relationship with if the feelings are still there. The new friend could be a rebound without realising and after a bit of time apart you will know completely whether there is hope or not for you and your husband.

Do the fair thing because you don't want this getting messy