Was it really that bad?

[IChangedNN]

Finally walked away from a 4 year on/off relationship because he couldn’t commit.

I realised that his ex-wife (divorced for 10+ years) would always come first. That they were still a “couple” who didn’t live together or have sex.

After years of this and being a shoulder to cry on, my best friend spelled it out for me. That he was keeping me on the hook, that I was the fallback girl and that his behaviour towards me was actually abuse.

I gave him an ultimatum, that he needed to choose who and where his priorities were. His ex wife and her needs or me. He dithered which told me everything and I ended the relationship.

Since we split my best friend has been saying all sorts of things about how she is glad I’m finally free of this selfish abusive wanker.

I agree that he is a clusterfuck of a man and totally weak and that I’m better out of the relationship. But was he really abusive? I feel really confused that I might not be seeing clearly and straight. I don’t want to make the same mistakes again and want to recognise red flags as they come.

For context he is very charming and when it was just the two of us he would be attentive and loving. But as soon as a pretty woman was anywhere near he would drop me like a sack of potatoes to go and talk to her

@IChangedNN

For context he is very charming and when it was just the two of us he would be attentive and loving. But as soon as a pretty woman was anywhere near he would drop me like a sack of potatoes to go and talk to her

He is a massive tosser and be glad you have tossed the tosser. Yes you have done the right thing.

I don’t mean he would drop me to go and chat up a pretty stranger. It would be women he already knew and had a flirty relationship with.

Without knowing much more it's hard to comment on whether we think he was abusive.

But from the small amount you have told us, he was not a good bf and you have done the right thing. Still prioritising his ex after 10 years? Being distracted by any attractive woman who his eyes fall on, and dropping you to talk to her? Those two things alone are enough.

We would need to know more about how he treated you. I can see that you are trying to make sense of it in order to avoid the same situation in future. There are 'red flags' to be on the lookout for (and people on here can suggest some good reading on that).

IME, a good relationship:

• Has 2 equals. Both make the same effort, share the workload and 'responsibility' for the relationship.

-Think about how they make you feel - if you feel happy, calm, safe, good about yourself - good signs. If you feel unsure, have to unpick things they said, why they didn't call again, not sure how they feel, insecure - bad signs.

• OK in the early days things are uncertain for a while, but once you are in a relationship you should have no question at all that you are number 1. You have no doubt they want to be with you and you only.
• You trust them completely
• They treat you with respect, as an equal.
• You can disagree, calmly, without any sulking or shouting
• They don't show any signs whatsoever of trying to control what you do / where you go / whether you work / how you dress / what you spend / how you should feel

I don't think that what you've written here sounds abusive (but there may be more that your friend sees). However he does sound like a massive twat so you've done the right thing!

Your post doesn't detail any abuse but I can see how she thinks he's mentally abused you for 4 years.

Yes I am totally trying to make sense of it @layladomino

I definitely feel that he used me for his own convenience. But abuse? It’s not a word to be used lightly and I’ve asked my friend what she means. She says he abused my trust and took advantage of my good nature for his own selfish ways.

Your post doesn't detail any abuse but I can see how she thinks he's mentally abused you for 4 years.

What do you mean by that? Sorry. I know I’m probably being really thick.

@IChangedNN

Your post doesn't detail any abuse but I can see how she thinks he's mentally abused you for 4 years.

What do you mean by that? Sorry. I know I’m probably being really thick.

If she thinks he's lied, led you on etc she may see him as abusive

Oh I see. Yes he’s definitely been manipulative in the past and always gets his way except with his ex wife. She trumps everyone else

Your friend may have sat back and observed the behaviour you are displaying. How you perhaps look sad or tell her how sad you are because of his behaviour. Therefore you are not happy and she doesnt want you to keep investing in a relationship were clearly you arent happy. If he showed by his actions time and time again that his ex meant more to him then he isnt right for you. Flirting with other woman too, his shows lack of respect towards you. Your friend doesnt want you to accept this behaviour. If you told him you didnt appreciate it and he continued then yes you werent right to end things. You deserve someone you will make you feel special, supported, respected etc,. You now have the chance to find that. If it helps make a list of pros and cons and you will find there are more cons to this relationship. If someone doesnt make you feel happy that is a big red flag

The term "abuse" basically means to misuse for a bad purpose, see also "exploit" or "take advantage of".

Whether you were in an "abusive relationship" and a victim of emotional, psychological abuse of being coerced or controlled is impossible to say. Perhaps look up the definitions of domestic abuse online?

I wonder if your friend is trying to hammer home the fact that he was an arsehole because she's concerned you'll go back to him?
It sounds from your posts that you're already minimising his behaviour and defending him by describing his good points.
You deserve better than this man. x

No I didn’t feel happy. I loved him but I always felt upset that he didn’t make me his priority. But he always told me I was his priority which made me feel anxious because I knew in my gut that this wasn’t true.

The term "abuse" basically means to misuse for a bad purpose, see also "exploit" or "take advantage of".

That’s really interesting. Yes I suppose that’s what my friend means. That he took and (mis)used my trust to his advantage.

Some relationships are not necessarily "abusive" but they're just not healthy. Ignoring someone is not abuse but it's neglect. It seems like he was ignoring you when his ex's suddenly appeared.

They all fall into the category of "toxic" relationships, unhealthy dynamics. Your friend is right to point out there was something completely wrong with it.

OP, you did the right thing to walk away. You deserve better than that.

Nothing you've mentioned screams abuse. Did he financially, physically or emotionally abuse you? You ignored a massive red flag, him putting his ex's needs before yours and seemingly put up with it for 4 yrs. I am assuming you didn't live together or have kids together so you could have walked away at any time and it sounds like you did, but went back.
A quick google of 'red flags in relationships' will show you all you need to avoid in future relationships.

You don’t sound very kind @Walkingalot but I agree that I did ignore a massive red flag.

To answer your point about googling red flags in relationships, yes of course I have done that. But the whole point of MN is to talk to other people and ask for their opinions advice.

Boundaries: If someone does something that makes you feel unpleasant, tell them, calmly and clearly. If they keep doing it, knowing it makes you feel bad, make a distance between you and them, because that particular activity is more important to them than you feeling ok.

That's it. You don't need to complicate things by working out what is abuse and what isn't. It's not a matter of what's right or wrong. It's not a matter of what's normal. It's about how you prefer to be treated. Listen to what your own emotional responses tell you, and respect them. It's all you need to know.