Scared to leave marriage due to loneliness

[spinduffy]

I’m 43 and married 7 years. Predating marriage I had been badly heart broken by an ex abs it took me years to recover.

When I met my husband it was a whirlwind snd given that I really wanted a family and was 35 we married in a year. A long road of multiple failed IVFs followed. Most recently I went down the donor conception route and got pregnant but miscarried a few weeks ago.

Over the years our physical relationship has been poor to non existent. I have used the excuse that it’s due to the trauma of infertility, but in reality whilst my husband is a good looking man, he is untidy and his personal hygiene is dreadful. I’ve tried a few times to raise this and it usually escalates to a row. Things might briefly improve but invariably revert to baseline; he would happily not shower post gym, wear same clothes for days on end, very dirty pants lying around etc. Yesterday I found a pair of spiked pants just lying on the en suite floor and it’s like the straw that broke the camels back. I can’t live my life like this. I’m no neat freak, but cleanliness is important to me. I am lying here awake and feel my works is crashing down. I have always desperately wanted to be a mum, but that’s not going to happen and I’m heart broken. Over the last number of years I’ve distanced myself from my close friends as they all had kids and moved on as a group of mums and I got left behind. I don’t feel those relationships are salvageable as I’ve been very hurt over the last few years by some insensitive comments . I’m an only child and close to my ageing parents, but don’t really have any other supports.

I’m clinging to a marriage that I’m not sure is repairable and or that I even want to repair. I’ve a successful career and am financially secure, but beyond that everything else is a failure.

I’m not depressed as although I’ve felt a deep sadness and grief, I have been to function. It’s only when the reality of my situation got me that it’s become overwhelming.

Who will be there for me in my 70s/80s/90s? Who will be there for me when I face the day I lose my parents.

Sorry for the long and ranting post, but I just wanted to vent what I’ve no one up say to in real life

Sorry for all the typos as I’m crying as I type

Don't want to read and leave no response. It sounds like you've reached a decision and are mourning what might have been. Maybe let yourself cry. I'm thinking of you.

Take one day at a time @spinduffy. One foot in front of the other.

If you think going to Relate would help you both - or help you work out if the marriage is worth saving, then try that first.
Maybe get some counselling for yourself too.

Chat with your GP and see what they’d suggest.

Don’t beat yourself up.

(And if you’re in the uk and it’s 0504, then your brain isn’t working to its full capacity. Try and get a bit more sleep)

But is he the man you want beside you in your old age or when you face bereavement?

You can find someone else. It's not a choice between him and being alone.

Yes I’m in the U.K. I’m also a GP so it makes it hard to talk to my own GP as I know them on a professional basis. I can’t sleep at the best of times. Thank you for your responses

I really feel for you, it's so hard knowing whst to do for the best sometimes and I always find, for me anyway, everything feels so much worse at night when I can't sleep.

Could you have some time away from your husband to try and think about how you feel about him. I definitely feel like counselling will help you process how you're feeling and sometimes saying things out loud is a huge help. Sending you a big cwtch, it sounds a lonely place right now ❤.

Big big hugs. You say you are scared of being lonely but the way you describe your marriage now, it already sounds incred lonely.

I know it is scary but leaving at least give you the opportunity to meet other people, be that friends or more. Your chances of having new and positive experiences increases infinitely once you have the freedom.

You are lonely NOW @spinduffy Give yourself the chance to live life on your own or meet a new partner. I think the last thing you need is to stick with someone who isn't making you happy x

I never understand the 'what if I'm lonely' idea as something to stop you going fir happiness or escaping unhappiness.

OP, you never know what might happen. You could be single at 70, married at 80, widowed at 90 and dating a hot young 75 year old at 95. People come and go throughout life. Sometimes we are lonely (Heck, sometimes we are lonlier IN relationships) Sometimes we are not. I'd rather take a chance on happiness than sit about like a martyr feeling sorry for myself because I don't have the balls to live life.

Loneliness is not the worst thing in life. Lack of freedom is worse. So is being so scared to try incase you fail that you never try. Especially considering what you are trying to prevent...is already happening.

Loneliness is part of life. It's not a nice part. But id rather be on a a train that passes through it from time to time as we move through lifes stations...than be trapped in a cage their forevermore, too scared to turn the key.

*there

@Pinkbonbon

I never understand the 'what if I'm lonely' idea as something to stop you going fir happiness or escaping unhappiness.

OP, you never know what might happen. You could be single at 70, married at 80, widowed at 90 and dating a hot young 75 year old at 95. People come and go throughout life. Sometimes we are lonely (Heck, sometimes we are lonlier IN relationships) Sometimes we are not. I'd rather take a chance on happiness than sit about like a martyr feeling sorry for myself because I don't have the balls to live life.

Loneliness is not the worst thing in life. Lack of freedom is worse. So is being so scared to try incase you fail that you never try. Especially considering what you are trying to prevent...is already happening.

Loneliness is part of life. It's not a nice part. But id rather be on a a train that passes through it from time to time as we move through lifes stations...than be trapped in a cage their forevermore, too scared to turn the key.

What a great post. I've screen shotted this.

Many years ago, I was in the same position as you, afraid to leave my partner for fear of the unknown (being alone) and stayed with him for longer than I should have.
Eventually I did pluck up the courage to leave him and with hindsight it was the right move, but didn't feel like it at the time.
We remain friends but both gone our separate ways and so much happier for it.
Having done it myself, I know it takes a lot of courage, and its much easier to say than do, but I'm sure you will be fine.

I'm really sorry that your recent treatment has failed; I've experienced infertility but have had a different outcome.

Mourning for the life we thought we'd have is really tough. I'm a solo mother to be, so conception was achieved via a sperm donor & IVF. It's certainly not what I'd envisaged my life would look like when I was 30 (I was married at this point and thought I had a future of some sort).

In terms of fearing loneliness, I understand where you're coming from. I was lonely in my marriage and once I left it. It's been really tough because I have very little family support (we are geographically far away) and I have one good friend I can rely on. I'm disillusioned with dating (tried it: dating for serious/casual relationships/hook ups) I've done it all and nothing has really resulted in continuity/longevity/long term satisfaction. For me personally, I think I need to come to terms that may never meet anyone again and be okay with it.

You won't be short of casual sex offers if you do leave your marriage and decide you'd like to explore that, the issue is finding someone who isn't offering just sex
Finding someone who you fancy and them you/life goals etc., but that's in very short supply unless you settle. It's brutal out there [the dating apps] but of course anything can happen and you may get lucky.

It's good you have a satisfying career and that you're financially independent. It should make the break easier if you decide to do that. No real concrete advice other than you'll be stepping into the unknown and yes by leaving you are taking a chance on happiness elsewhere.

OP! Listen to me! You're looking at this the wrong way. All you need is a change of mindset.

Instead of thinking 'This marriage is over, I'm a failure, I'm going to be lonely,' think instead 'I'm so sensible I can see that this marriage isn't doing me any good and I'm opting out. I can afford to do this, for me. So off I go. I'm going to do all the things I am interested in. Sometimes, I might feel a bit lonely. But I'm setting the bar high about who I allow into my life, and I'm going to enjoy every moment from now on.'

If you do a lot of mindfulness, eventually you will realise that the person who will be there for you, and who will actually be enough, is you.

So, as really annoying mumsnetters say, go...

Absolutely this @DoesHePlayTheFiddle

Ultimatum. He cleans up his act or loses you. You are young, get out there and live your life. Do you want another 40 odd years of this.

There's nothing lonelier than being in the wrong relationship.

Anything has to be better than that.

Have courage.

You don’t know what will happen if you leave but you know exactly what things will be like if you don’t.

Op, I’m 43 married for 7 years, childless after failed IVF and miscarriage and my husband has left me for his work colleague., we live in the same house but we are getting divorced and currently not speaking. I mourn the loss of the man I married and the life and family I thought we’d have.
However, I’m positive that I will create a fabulous life for myself and you will too!
As it stands your miserable with your husband- I guarantee you will feel lighter without him.

Dear Op,

I hear you. I am 7 months out the other side, after my marriage came crashing down unexpectedly.

Because of the way it ended, initially l felt relief and l was surprised at how little l missed him. I also felt very angry so that fuelled the early months.

Recently though l have been more sad and mourning the loss of the relationship. I have been on the floor with loneliness but it does come and go in waves and very slowly l am rebuilding my life.

Both my parents are dead, and my one brother offers little genuine support. Friends are a bit hit and miss.

These are the things l have done to rebuild my life;

Joined a walking group, a film club, a psychology group and a book club. Some of these were found through Meet Up and some are still on Zoom so easy to do.

Despite not being sporty, l have discovered a love of tennis and am starting group lessons.

Yoga is good too and l either do a weekly class or a YouTube one. All of the above cost little or no money. I no longer eat out so save money there.

I book retreats to go on instead of traditional holidays- people tend to go on their own and they are often held in very beautiful parts of the country.

Just thought l would share this with you. It sounds like you have a full on job and have had an exhausting few years with the IVF. I would focus on gradually introducing some self care into your life eg a regular massage and slowly try some new things. Get back in touch with the real you and your passions in life before men became a focus.

I second the other posters who say loneliness is unavoidable in life. Accepting it rather than turning against yourself for feeling it can ease the pain of it.

Yesterday l pictured my life if l were to return to my STBXH. I remembered all the daily annoyances and how exhausting he was. I realised that despite the loneliness l prefer my life as it is now with the freedom and choices l have.

I try not to think about the future too much. It can feel overwhelming. However the vision of having to care for my STBXH in my old age is a far more horrible thought than being on my own.

Hi @spinduffy
I'm a hospital doctor and also childless-not-by-choice, and a similar age. I've been single for 5 years since my marriage ended.
I'm really disappointed in your friends on your behalf. I feel like, if you were well supported elsewhere you would realise that living alone is actually very freeing. I've been lonely, through the pandemic especially, but it's not as soul destroying as loneliness within a relationship. After a bit of a crunch point before Easter I have been having private counselling - this would help you maybe keep work and personal life separate and help you work through some feelings, grieve, and find your strength.
Have you heard of Gateway Women? The book is excellent, by Jody Day - I went to a few things, but I am lucky in that my closest friends with children still make space for me within their families so I dropped back but they are such a friendly group of women.
DM me if you fancy a chat. Sending a hug and strength to you.