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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Contact levels early stages dating

24 replies

bathsh3ba · 16/09/2021 19:24

Quick poll...
...if the guy you are dating were travelling on business for a couple of weeks, then moving house, how much would you expect contact to drop off?
It's gone from messaging once every couple of hours, to a couple of texts first thing and last thing and I don't know if I should read into this that he is losing interest.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 16/09/2021 19:26

Well surely he's too busy in the days to text every couple of hours if he's at work and moving house?

I think you're being needy. It seems like a perfectly acceptable level of contact to me.

PumpkinKlNG · 16/09/2021 19:26

Every couples of hours sounds like A LOT

category12 · 16/09/2021 19:29

I'd expect it to drop off a lot.

Wouldn't necessarily like it tho and if it didn't pick up again after the move, I'd probably be out. But a bit unreasonable to expect high levels of contact when he's got all that on.

Maybe ask for a call in the evening sometimes?

Pinkbonbon · 16/09/2021 19:30

Good god, someone messaging you every couple of hours? And you're worried because its reduced to several texts in the moring AND evening?

I think the obsessive amount texting beforehand was more of a worry, personally. I mean, love bombing alert!

But no, the amount it has dropped to wouldn't make me worry he was going off me. He has told you he is busy and is still in contact several times, several times per day. Chill. It's fine. If you can handle that level of intensity.

Original poster

bathsh3ba · 16/09/2021 19:30

It was a lot, but I'm used to it, so I'm noticing it's not there! Fine if it's normal, I haven't said anything to him about it!

OP posts:

Original poster

bathsh3ba · 16/09/2021 19:31

Not several in the morning and the evening, maybe one or two between 6 and 8 and another one or two right before bed.

OP posts:

PumpkinKlNG · 16/09/2021 19:31

I would personally find every couple of hours a bit much so I don’t think what it’s reduced to is bad, sounds more normal!

GreyCarpet · 16/09/2021 19:33

I wouldn't expect more than a couple of messages a day during normal times - whatever times those messages arrived. People are busy and still have lives even when they start dating!

Pinkbonbon · 16/09/2021 19:34

Sorry op but that's a crazy amount of contact. No wonder you miss it now it's not there. You've been conditioned into constantly looking at your phone waiting for his messages. That is, unless you're the massively obsessive texter.

I'd maybe take this time to take a step back and assess if you've been caught up in a whirlwind. Because whirlwind can be fun at first...but they aren't healthy or sustainable.

category12 · 16/09/2021 19:34

@Pinkbonbon

Good god, someone messaging you every couple of hours? And you're worried because its reduced to several texts in the moring AND evening?

I think the obsessive amount texting beforehand was more of a worry, personally. I mean, love bombing alert!

You'd be shocked at the amount of messaging me and my bf do then.

We live apart and we message a lot. We've been together a long time.

Pebbledashery · 16/09/2021 19:35

What is there to talk about in the day, there's only so many times you can ask how your day is going...

Original poster

bathsh3ba · 16/09/2021 19:37

We had plenty to talk about - we're getting to know each other! But obviously he's been busier the last week or so, and I know he's moving house next week too.

OP posts:

RunningStrong · 16/09/2021 19:40

These sorts of posts make me feel very old. A couple of texts first thing and last thing seems like a lot to me.

When I first met DH he was working away during the week and we had one phonecall a week

gogohm · 16/09/2021 19:43

Morning text and evening phone call is all I would ever expect, if super busy no text at all.

Pebbledashery · 16/09/2021 19:51

Yeah there's really no need for non stop texting in the day. Do you not have stuff to be getting on with? I put my phone on do not disturb most evenings and I'm single. The thought of being on my phone all evening after work depresses me.

category12 · 16/09/2021 20:02

Well, it's personal taste, isn't it? I like the to and fro and a high level of contact. When I'm working, I'm not messaging, but breaks I will.

It's what suits the couple themselves, and a change of behaviour is obviously going to be concerning. Although seems like in this case there are good reasons for it.

TheFoundations · 16/09/2021 20:11

@bathsh3ba

It was a lot, but I'm used to it, so I'm noticing it's not there! Fine if it's normal, I haven't said anything to him about it!

Don't judge it by what's normal. For some people it's normal to text constantly throughout the day. For others it's normal to not hear from each other unless they've lost a limb.

Allow yourself time to get used to any changes in your relationships/see if they change back/see if a conversation arises naturally. If things carry on in the way you don't like, express this to your partner. If you don't feel comfortable to do this, that's a red flag in itself. If you tell your partner you're uncomfortable and they don't try to work it through with you to find a compromise, that's another red flag.

That's all you need to know about boundaries. You don't need to ask other people (in fact, it's pointless to, because they don't know what you feel or what your partner feels), you only need to ask yourself.

So, in this situation, you know he's really busy; let that settle down before you make any judgments. There's no rush. Look at how you feel when he's back to being not so busy. If you feel unsettled (for example, if you feel like posting on a forum), talk to him about it. If he's respectful, stay with him. If not, leave him.

You're dating. It's a vetting process. Work out whether you have gone off him because of the drop in contact, rather than trying to get an answer from a bunch of strangers about what's going on in his head. The answer to your question is 'We don't know, and you can't guess accurately either.'

TheFoundations · 16/09/2021 20:14

@Pebbledashery

But not everybody is the same as you. Some couples like lots of contact, and that's just as valid as you not liking lots of contact.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/09/2021 20:30

Is this the same guy you were dating a month ago who had form for disappearing if you had a disagreement?

Original poster

bathsh3ba · 16/09/2021 20:36

No.

OP posts:

TheFoundations · 16/09/2021 21:08

So you've been dating for a month, and for roughly 3 weeks the contact level has dropped?

Original poster

bathsh3ba · 16/09/2021 21:55

No, it's dropped in the last week.

OP posts:

Ninasister · 16/09/2021 22:10

It's what you think is good for you. If you're wanting more attention and he's not giving it to you you don't have to stay on edge and on a forum looking for advice. My point is it doesn't matter what any stranger says it's what and how this makes you feel.

My advice.....go with your gut. If in your gut he's making you feel anxious and unhappy it's not worth putting yourself through it

TheFoundations · 16/09/2021 22:17

@bathsh3ba

No, it's dropped in the last week.

You've been dating a month, the contact level has fluctuated in the last week, and you're posting on a forum to find out what's 'normal'?

Nothing is normal within a month. He's a stranger to you, pretty much.

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