Dating as a Single mum with no help

[MamaM90]

Hi everyone, I really just want everyone's perspectives on this as it may help me.

I'm a single mum of a 3 year old. I've basically been single since pregnancy and I really want to meet someone. I don't have help at all as all my family live in London and I'm in Oxfordshire. My son's dad also lives in London. My son also is SEN (not yet diagnosed- he's having an autism assessment in a few weeks time) which makes finding a babysitter pretty much impossible.

I really don't know what to do. Sometimes I just tell myself not to bother and I'll be single forever. Other times I tell myself I can't just not try - I'm only 30.

Other than moving back to London (which is highly unlikely as I ended up out here because of lack of housing in London) or having all my dates in London where help is- which to be honest isn't something that couldbe done regularly- petrol isn't cheap- I don't really know what I can do.

Has anyone else been in this situation?

I am in this situation but with 4 children! Including my oldest daughter who also has autism but she has been diagnosed due to my situation I can not date as it’s not possible, although I have family they would never look after my children (in an emergency they would but not for me to a social life) my ex is absent, I’ve decided it’s not possible for me as I refuse to bring anyone around my children early on or have anyone stay over when they are here (unless I knew them for a long time which obviously I can never get to that point 😕) people have suggested I date whilst they are at school but that is not really workable either so I’ve accepted I will be single for a long time! Could you get a babysitter for when he’s in bed and have evening dates? Only thing I can think of.

This may not help you much but just wanted to give you something to think about
I was in this position years ago - 3 young children - no family friends or support of any kind , needed to work all the hours I could - so dating was a complete no
12-15 years later when it became more possible - I was so out of touch , in a set routine and insular within my small family unit that I really struggled even to just let a man buy me dinner let alone come into my home

I suppose the moral is - don't leave it too late
Does your little one have nursery hrs ? Could you find another local single mum you could swap babysitting times with ? Even just to go for a nice facial / massage / haircut/ coffee / date ?

The other issue was me being all " I'm a good mum I don't bring strange men around my children " meant that's when I finally did - they hated it and were at that attitude age so another reason not to feel you can't date

You only have one life lovely - enjoy it somehow find a way 💐

Thank you for your replies! I've thought about evenings but my little one isn't the best with bedtimes. 25% of the time he goes straight to sleep but most of the time it takes him a while and sometimes he has random meltdowns and I know he'd 100% not stay in bed if he realised I'd snuck out and someone else was there lol.

He has nursery hours but I use them to go to the gym as I've gotten so out of shape 😅. He's in a school nursery so he's there Monday- Friday in the afternoon.

I worry about getting out of touch too. I already feel out of touch lol. Also I was raised by a single mum. She stayed single for about 11 years and she absolutely resented us for it. She would often say things like it's our fault no one wants her and we're "sitting on her neck" etc. I'm aware that that's not normal behaviour and couldn't ever imagine saying things like that to my son but I do occasionally worry about becoming my mum lol.

Hmm it’s not about being out of touch imo it’s more about safeguarding which is why I wouldn’t bring men easily or quickly around my children, I have a 6 month minimum rule. I think when he is in nursery is probably the best bet then or wait to full time school? That’s only a year away (the reason why that won’t work for me is most people are working during those hours so will be more tricky!)

Absolutely. I don't feel comfortable bringing anyone around my son. And to be fair as a singke female, I'm not comfortable letting people know what area I live in general. It's why i haven't dated up until now. Before I figured I'd just wanted to wait until he was older so that he could talk, then I'd feel comfortable having friends babysit him and him eventually meeting a partner etc.

But as he's non speaking at the moment and honestly I don't know if or when he'll talk. I even struggled to send him to nursery as I didn't want him there when he isn't able to tell me what happens in his day. Now I just trust that he's a happy boy and if his behaviour changes from going to nursery then that will be a huge red flag.

Sort of digressed lol. I feel like this is just an impossible situation 😕

I’m in the same situation and to be honest I’m kind of resigned to the fact of being single and actually enjoying it!

Could you do online dating and when things are going well go out for lunch when child is at school? Build up like that?

Yeh my daughter has a 1:1 in school and always has since starting so they will make sure he is ok, I would hang on till school then reassess then as even if you do meet someone you will need to have some free time

I used to enjoy being single but lately it seems to be getting to me. I think maybe I'm just bored and have nothing really to look forward to lol. All I really do is mum stuff or business stuff as I run my own business and there's just no excitement. If i was able to go out and let my hair down on occasion maybe I wouldn't feel like I need a boyfriend 😂

I've tried online dating and it's awful haha. I seem to just attract creeps. I thought there was one potential but after some Facebook stalking it turned out he was married with 3 kids 🙄

I think reassessing things next year might be the way to go! Xx

I was in the same position when mine were younger (they are now 21 and 17).

I had no help at all, and my autistic son wouldn’t ever cope with being left with a babysitter etc.

Honestly, I decided just to focus on raising my children, and waited until they were teenagers to even think about dating.

I had 2 short term boyfriends as they were growing up (although the kids never knew about them). Both men would come round during the week when the kids were at school, as we worked shift work.

But I never wanted to have anything long term until they were older.

It paid off to be honest. We have an amazing bond now, full of great memories. I was definitely lonely as the kids reached teenage-hood though.

Would any of the nursery staff be up for babysitting?

You won't be single forever. For now you have your DC as a priority. Life doesn't end in your 30s, you can be in your 50s and 60s with total freedom and see anyone you like!

My experience is make your DC first and foremost priority. Men come and go (pardon the pun). Your DC are children for a blink of an eye. Enjoy them and have no regrets looking back as being a parent.

Thank you for all your replies. I guess I'll just be continuing as I am and hope this lonely spell I'm having passes! 💕

It might be fun to go on a few dates even if it is in London.
But maybe you need to sort out a more suitable arrangement with DS's father.. as you need a weekend (or more) off regularly allowing you some freedom and a social life too.

Join gingerbread.. meet other single parents ( father) they have lots of activities and dating things. I think if you combine the two it will be simpler. X good luck!

@BrilliantBetty he's useless lol. I've just had accept he'll never be any help for anything. He plays dad once a month for a few hours (if that) and that's it

@Notimefor thank you, I'll have a look xx

Does the dad have your child for overnight stays, if not could you not set that up that he has overnights every other weekend Fri to sun. That would mean you could date EOW, once you feel matched with someone you can then introduce your child and see each other more frequently

@HalzTangz he's never had him overnight but i think it might be something I could bring up and see what he says.