Leaving because I'm not happy

[BringTeaAndCakes]

So, I've been with my husband for 20 years and for the last 5 or so, I've been unhappy.

There was lots that triggered that but too much to go into now. For 5 years, I've really tried. We've had couples counselling, single counselling, breaks away from the kids, he's stepped up massively but it still feels wrong.

I told him last Tuesday that I want us to separate and obviously, it's hit him hard. I get that, I know he needs time to come to terms with it but my issue is other people. My parents are being so supportive to both of us but I had a message from his mum asking me to reconsider, after 20 years, no one is actually happy in their marriage but they don't just give up. I also told a casual friend about the split and her reaction was much the same, she's not happy in her marriage but shes not just leaving.

I'm not sure what I want from this, maybe reassurance that actually there can be more. I'm late 30s and it's niggling at me that I might be making a big mistake.

You need to tell them that just because they choose to stay and be unhappy they have no right to try to tell you to do the same and that you choose not to stay and be unhappy.

You don't get a medal for wasting your life being with someone you don't want to be with.

Life is too short to stay in a relationship that doesnt enhance your existence.
You are too young to give up on happiness.
If your friend is content to 'settle' for what she has then so be it... you deserve better and it is there waiting for you.
Try to keep it civilised for your own wellbeing and that of your children.. divorced parents are not the end of the world, but can be a positive example of adult relationships.

Goodness i can't believe people actually think it's okay to stay in an unhappy relationship just because that's what they are doing, or that's what they think she be done. Life is short. If you've tried every measure to try and fix things and they don't work then to me it's time to leave. I wish i was late 30s again so i could have that time back to find happiness. Now at 50 I regret not making that choice.

Hello, I left my husband after 23 years and it was the best thing I ever did. Not going into detail but I met someone else and am now married again. I feel like I have another chance at life again. I didn't love my ex husband anymore. I actually didn't like him very much in the end up. Our sex life was zero, we slept in separate beds and we basically didn't communicate.

Do not let anyone tell you what to do. It's a huge step but it sounds like you both have made a proper effort to seek help but it's just not worked. Do you think a separation for a period of months would be better? The only thing I would say about that is it's easy to miss the safety of what's been normal to you for the last few years and be scared of the unknown and being alone.

People outgrow each other or grow at different rates and follow different paths, sometimes they stay together and make it work and sometimes not.

Have a look at what you want out with your marriage and could you achieve it with your husband? Or is it your husband you no longer want to stay with because you have no feelings?

I was terribly lonely in my marriage, he hardly spoke to me in the latter years.

You are very young and have a whole life to live.

I wish I’d left earlier and had the other child I wanted, but he didn’t.

No one can know if it's the right decision or not, except for you, but I think it would help if you would outline what is making you so unhappy about the marriage. You were very young when you got together, so you might have just grown to be two very different people.

'after 20 years, no one is actually happy in their marriage '

this is nonsense

People are often too scared to leave an unhappy marriage, and when someone else does it, it calls into question their own poor decisions.

I left my husband that I've been with for 25 years in Feb this year. No infidelity no massive drama.. just wasnt happy and i could see life stretching out in front of me and not being any better. Best thing ever for me. .. good luck!!

What your friend and MIL said speaks volumes about their marriages, clearly. The old phrase "misery loves company" springs to mind. I have been very happily married for 25 years, and I would never encourage someone to stay in an unhappy marriage. What on earth is the point? I can't imagine a sadder waste of anyone's life.

Bottom line, do not live your life only for the approval of other people.

Late 30's! You have an entire life ahead of you! Go! Be free, be happy!

It'll do him a favour too. He'll be able to move on with his life too.

I honestly think that is the issue, we have grown up together, I was 17, he 19 when we met. We may have been right for each other then but we've grown in completely different ways.

Honestly, there has been so much wrong in our marriage in the past. Right now, we are in the best place we've ever been and I'm still not happy. This is why I think it's the right thing to do.

To be honest, while he is devastated right now, he's being very mature about it and I know we can make this separation work well. There's no hate or arguments. I'm just having a wobble after 2 people saying I'm wrong.

Only you know what is right for YOU.

Thing is they are probably saying it because they are not happy and want to justify staying to themselves. It’s bullshit to say no one is happy after 20 years of marriage and even if that was the case what is there to do? Be unhappy for another 20? Then 20 more after that?

My advice is don’t listen to other people who are unhappily married but unwilling to leave. You don’t have to justify your decision or make them feel better about theirs. They don’t get a medal for putting up with an unhappy marriage when all is said and done.

I’m not happy, I should have gone a couple of years ago, but there’s always an excuse to stay. And staying is taking the easy way.
I was stuck in lockdown, I’ll stay until DS has finished his GCSE’s, I’ll stay until DD goes back to Uni. There’s always an excuse to not have that conversation.

Just wanted to add that I have been married for 22 years. DH is my favourite person in the world. We spend a lot of time together, laugh and I love talking with him. He feels the same way about me.

You are unhappy, if you were a friend I would encourage you to think about the future which would include Christmas when you are not with the children. So whilst it is still friendly with your husband I would work out how that will look.

You are not even 40, you have so much life ahead of you.

So, 3rd person, my sister. Pretty much said the same as the other 2.

I'm so grateful to have my mum. She actually called me brave today. I don't feel brave, I feel shit. But it helped hearing her say that.

Strangely, hearing your stories and advice has helped too, so thank you.

To the pp that said about Christmas, we've briefly spoken about this year and we've agreed to spend it together.

Obviously, going forward we will have to sort out proper arrangements but none of us are possessive of the children and we both agree that we need to be fair when it comes to special occasions.