I am in my early 30s and was brought up in a financially stable, 2 parent home, provided for with everything needed physically. However, I now realise no emotional or mental support at all, & what I now feel was a very damaging environment.
It took me a long time to see things this way for several reasons - partly because my mother was constantly telling me how spoilt & fortunate I was for what they gave me, how much better my childhood was than hers etc, & partly because from the outside & on paper my childhood looked good
However, I was never a happy child or teenager, & as an adult I can see why & identify many things that at the time I believed 'normal' that contributed to this. For example, my parents (who are still together now), seemed to hate each other - constant arguing, sometimes shouting, my mother was extremely controlling of my father, very passive aggressive if things didn't go her way - which created a constant atmosphere of unease & negativity. I have never once in 33 years seen them embrace, kiss (even on the cheek), show any affection towards each other or say I love you. Again as a child I think I subconsciously believed all grown up relationships were like this. Many times I thought/feared as a young child they would get divorced but they didn't - both hate change & neither are proactive.
Our home was always very quiet, not much laughter or love, & no discussion whatsoever of feelings or emotions, if I ever confided/complained about anything I was told I was spoilt. We were not allowed to have friends over without asking first, & while this isn't strange in itself, I believe it was because of my parents way that they are different people around others, than they were at home. putting on a show etc, much more positive voice, acting 'happy' when behind closed doors it was silence & bad moods. As a result I spent a lot of a time as a teenager at friends homes with open door policies and parents who ate dinner together as a family every night. We never ate dinner together during the week & my mother never cooked, her reason was always that 'she worked' so we should have toast, whereas our other 'spoilt' friends who had stay at home Mums could have cooked meals, & that we had cooked food at school. For reference she worked 3 days a week until 5. I hope this doesn't come across as ungrateful, but I think it helps explain the scene. I hated Christmas, family holidays etc as they were always like this - quiet, silence, lack of enthusiasm & arguments. There was always financial strain/guilt (despite them being comfortably off) put onto children & we were never told that they were proud. They were very judgmental of other people, extremely strict about how things 'should be done' & so much overthinking. If we as children/teens ever made 'mistakes' these were held over our heads for years to come. I have never once heard my mother apologise to me for anything ever, sorry is not in her dictionary & if there is a disagreement she simply doesn't talk and then pretends it never happened.
I grew up to be extremely emotional & was told from a young age I was 'over dramatic' 'spoilt' or 'over sensitive' if I ever expressed emotion - labels which I still get in adulthood from my family. I also had traumas happen to me, 2 very close friends passing away at very young ages, after which there was no discussion ever, no acknowledgement & one lone therapy session. after that they did not believe in therapy & this was never spoken about again, despite that as an adult I still struggle with these losses
As I left home I met my own 'people' & realised that there were other emotional & sensitive people out there like me, people who like to talk, discuss, self improve, improve relationships & see the world in a more positive way. It took me a long time to shake off the negativity bias & fearful view of the world of my childhood, but I now am a positive person, a dreamer, someone who goes after what they want in life. I live my own independent life now, with physical distance from my family & I am married, but they still expect to be very involved in my life
I have found it very difficult to still manage the relationship with my parents as I have a lot of hurt & they are still very controlling, negative & judgmental. They have views on how life should be lived which are not the same as mine, for example I moved away from where I'm from & they constantly ask when we will move back, when the reality is we hope to keep moving, even further away. They expect to visit us for weeks at a time, to be entertained, yet sit in silence the whole time, don't show interest in my life & still feel like they should control our time. For example, I am expected to attend all family gatherings no matter what, not respected with my own time & energy. When I have asked they come for a shorter amount of time they get extremely nasty, upset but there is never any room for discussion of feelings etc. I feel extremely manipulation & emotional guilt from my childhood, if my mother is annoyed with me (which she regularly withdraws love based on my having done something she doesn't like) or out of contact I get extreme panic, & I feel extreme people pleasing tendencies towards them, even though logically I don't value their opinion or judgement, yet that fear/attachment from childhood remains. the unfortunate reality is I don't enjoy spending time with them at all. I had a period of acute & serious illness for 3 years as a young adult & they never provided emotional support/even ask how I felt/am which has added to my detachment
I am now expecting my first child in December & find I am thinking of & affected so much by this with my parents & struggling - as I don't want my childhood to impact how I am as a parent, & don't want to be struggling between being the parent/wife I want to be & still struggling with feeling the need to please/seek approval from my parents. The hardest thing is that my mother is very self righteous and thinks she is a perfect parent, there is no room to discuss improving our relationship etc. Although they show little enthusiasm, I know they will expect to be very involved with my baby, as she often talks about how grandparents are entitled to time etc in terms of her friends, & they are so unfulfilled in their own lived, sitting in silence at ours is more appealing.
I am interested to hear if anyone has been able to heal from their childhood having their own children, create independence & stop being so affected/impacted by their parents.