Attracting bullies!

[Namebunny]

Recently utterly confused as asked friend to stop taking the mickey about something I’m sensitive about. He went into, ‘oh you’re so sensitive, can’t take a joke , don’t make such a fuss’ mode. In the past I get really upset and feel stupid because I don’t know why.
Suddenly Realised, I think, that this is bullying behaviour, from my reading here on mn.
Revelation! Suddenly realised same in other areas of my life .
It is the same pattern my Dp uses - we cannot discuss anything it immediately becomes,’well you do x as well, only worse‘
Also a friend of a friend who isn’t too well has latched onto me and uses ( just realised ) guilt to get me to call . Also laughs at my funny little ways. I don’t think they’re funny!
What am I doing that is attracting this behaviour?
I know I’m being too nice and tolerant, but how do I not be?!
Mad question! But help!

I think you've answered your own question at the end there. You tolerate it. I don't really think its about attracting this behaviour, it's about tolerating it. Also it's about knowing your worth. Feeling good about yourself without the need to be liked by everyone so that when some one does treat you badly you feel OK enough to tell them and/or pull away without being overly worried about their negative reaction.

If you've got low self esteem how do you think you can build that up? Can you start a new hobby? Increase your opportunities to make new friends? Learn a new skill? Do stuff thats just for you and no one else.

It's great that you've noticed that you've been putting up with too much!! That's half the battle. Well done!

I attract them on here. It says more about them than it does you.

Read up on the shark cage OP. People will do whatever you tolerate, if you allow them too. If you 'don't mind' people being late, they'll turn up late. If you 'don't mind' people laughing at your 'quirky ways' they'll laugh and if you tolerate bullying, they'll bully you.

Not everyone obviously but people treat how you allow yourself to be treated. I'm not blaming you for it as ideally, everyone would be kind and considerate but that's life.

Tell that bloke that you're not 'sensitive' at all, you just don't like that behaviour. He's using DARVO on you:

Deny - I'm not a bully
Attack You're too sensitive
Reverse Victim - you're bullying me
Offender - You're the bad one

Im sorry to read this OP..

some great advice on here 🌸

Shark cage metaphor:
www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

Hi there I am very similar. I have a diagnosis of ADHD and I am such a people pleaser to the point that I become wracked with anxiety if I feel someone thinks badly of me. It's ridiculous. I am a grown up and I sometimes wish I had the balls to tell people when they have upset me.

Do you generally try to people please?

I find that if someone laughs at your funny little ways, you can ask them why they are laughing. What is exacrly funny. If they say you can't take a joke, ask what is the punchline. Say this in a calm neutral voice while looking them in the eye with a calm serious demeanour. They will probably explode and fall out with you. They are bullies and get a kick out of thinking someone is 'lower' than them. If you can, try to be unavailable to meet up with friends like this. If they are laughing at your funny little ways and if you started laughing at their funny little ways, they will show their true colours. Then you can say'you can give it but you can't take it'. I have done this and it has ended the bullying pretty sharpish at work. You won't be 'friends' with them after this but it is better to have no one than to be a punchbag for nasty people.

Thanks everyone much appreciated. What great help!
I’d never heard of DARVO, it’s a revelation! I’d just begun to notice people around me do the same thing - Tho not exactly so it’s taken years to spot- and here it is as a defined behaviour characteristic! Thank you that makes it all clearer and not just me getting horribly stressed and confused and not knowing why.
Also the shark cage. I didn’t realise I was being so nice and it’s got a bit bust.
I’m obviously a massive people pleaser too.
It would be so cool if there were a way if immediately noticing behaviour types.
Thanks again.

A small way of noticing it is 'banter'. When you don't know someone well and they start making little jokes at your expense. They are testing your boundaries. Or people who look for a favour which will be inconvenient for you. I make an excuse not to do the favour. I distance myself from the banter, maybe ask them 'what nakes you say that, with a thoughtful look on my face.

Oh user, that’s brilliant. I’ve just met a friend of the friend who started off with banter that got progressively more offensive - but not overtly so. I pulled a yuk face, and will distance myself as you say. He’ll give you a hug that’s just a bit too long if you know what Imean. So I’ll just roll my eyes and step away. Without being too jolly about it.
Just mentione darvo to the friend, who immediately did it a kind of darvo - saying, yes, well that’s obvious, what are you going to do about it, we always have these conversations and you never change.’ All said with an air of impatient superiority. ( does this whatever I say. It feels impossible to have a conversation without him taking the high ground)
He likes loud, confident friends,, think carol mc giffen types. Somehow I get very stifled and dull and unusually weepy when I’m around him.
I guess I need to not get sucked in - will try breathing and reminding myself he’s being a dick. Or take a leaf out of carols book and tell him he’s being a dick.
Would have done once, seem to have got really wet of late.

It would be so cool if there were a way if immediately noticing behaviour types

There is an instant and very reliable way of noticing behaviours that you don't like: you don't like them.

It's never been that you don't notice the unpleasant behaviours, it's always been that you get a niggly feeling that 'that was unpleasant' or 'that made me feel a bit ew', but you haven't responded to that feeling.

Focus on how you feel when you're with people. If they say something or do something you don't like, tell them, calmly and quietly. If they keep doing it, knowing it makes you feel bad, then, you feeling bad isn't an issue for them. So, make a distance between you and them.

That's all you need to know about boundaries. People make it very complicated (having to learn about what abuse looks like/recognise abusive behaviours etc), but really, whether you can label is abuse or not is just a word. If you don't like how it makes you feel, choose not to be around it. It's very simple.

And everybody attracts bullies. Bullies try it on with everyone. It's not something special about you that they're attracted to. It's just that some people send them away quite quickly, and you haven't been, so far.

It sounds like you're on a really healthy path, by the way. I've been on it too, and once you get all the pieces together and realise that you're in charge, it's life changing. I did a friend cull, and life's been much more peaceful and contented since then.

@Namebunny

Oh user, that’s brilliant. I’ve just met a friend of the friend who started off with banter that got progressively more offensive - but not overtly so. I pulled a yuk face, and will distance myself as you say. He’ll give you a hug that’s just a bit too long if you know what Imean. So I’ll just roll my eyes and step away. Without being too jolly about it. Just mentione darvo to the friend, who immediately did it a kind of darvo - saying, yes, well that’s obvious, what are you going to do about it, we always have these conversations and you never change.’ All said with an air of impatient superiority. ( does this whatever I say. It feels impossible to have a conversation without him taking the high ground) He likes loud, confident friends,, think carol mc giffen types. Somehow I get very stifled and dull and unusually weepy when I’m around him. I guess I need to not get sucked in - will try breathing and reminding myself he’s being a dick. Or take a leaf out of carols book and tell him he’s being a dick. Would have done once, seem to have got really wet of late.

Being confident and being loud don't have to go together. I understand exactly where you're coming from. I've tried to solve this with my partner who I chucked last weekend, and friends, by sensible conversation which doesn't work. @user1471554720 has all the answers you need. Fabulous advice.

@Namebunny

Oh user, that’s brilliant. I’ve just met a friend of the friend who started off with banter that got progressively more offensive - but not overtly so. I pulled a yuk face, and will distance myself as you say. He’ll give you a hug that’s just a bit too long if you know what Imean. So I’ll just roll my eyes and step away. Without being too jolly about it. Just mentione darvo to the friend, who immediately did it a kind of darvo - saying, yes, well that’s obvious, what are you going to do about it, we always have these conversations and you never change.’ All said with an air of impatient superiority. ( does this whatever I say. It feels impossible to have a conversation without him taking the high ground) He likes loud, confident friends,, think carol mc giffen types. Somehow I get very stifled and dull and unusually weepy when I’m around him. I guess I need to not get sucked in - will try breathing and reminding myself he’s being a dick. Or take a leaf out of carols book and tell him he’s being a dick. Would have done once, seem to have got really wet of late.

Intimate relationships and colleagues are a bit different, but regarding friends - what is it about these people that is so amazing an irresistible that it makes these issues worthwhile to put up with?? Are they that special? Are you looking for their approval? Are you attracted to quite loud, insensitive types for other reasons?

Maybe you need to trust yourself more. If someone makes you feel uncomfortable, distance yourself.

Also laughs at my funny little ways

If that's happening regularly, it's likely a sign of disrespect. I've met people like that before. Often they're either small-minded or it's a sign of a narcissistic individual. They will look for any little anomaly, anything they can latch on to in order to belittle the other person and therefore feel superior. They really get off on that feeling and they will damage people who are supposed to be close to them in order to feel it. You feel small and patronised in their company and you'll often hear a little laugh or look they reserve for people when they want to put someone down. Some of them will get high & mighty if you stand up to it because their main interest in relationships is to maintain this feeling and will lose interest in you if they can't do this any more. Others will be profusely apologetic, upset, will grovel for your friendship hoping to get in your good books again, but don't listen to it. It doesn't mean they actually respect you - they are more interested in playing a cat & mouse game with you and satisfying their own emotional needs at your cost.

Well done the foundations and Earth sight! Yes, user1471554720 is amazing, thanks user.
Also your para above resonated too and is a ereally helpful expiation of what’s going on. Especially the last sentence, cos I am always sucked in again.
So complicated! You are right the foundations, drive yourself potty looking this stuff up - and a lot of it doesn’t apply as it’s so subtle. I think trust your instinct. Is hgood advice, hard to stick to!

I don’t totally agree with the teasing or banter meaning someone’s just a dick; it’s pretty normal for my group of friends and family to call each other silly names or have little in jokes. I suppose the difference is that the respect is there so we know we’re not being horrible to each other.

With a fairly new person, usually a little joke from me means I like them not that I’m trying to be mean or bully them! I expect people to return fire though so if you didn’t then I’d realise and wouldn’t make any more comments.

I think you need to stand up for yourself a lot more, if someone is making these jokes then joke back at them! They shouldn’t give it out if they can’t take it and you’ll see from their reaction whether they’re joking or trying to bully you or whatever but don’t just go quiet and assume they’re being mean to you.

I think trust your instinct. Is hgood advice, hard to stick to

As with any skill, it gets easier the more you do it, and eventually it becomes second nature. And then, with this particular skill, the reward is a superlatively untroubled existence, contented time alone, and wonderful people to choose from when you want company.

It's probably the most worthwhile skill you'll ever develop.

Hi shoxfordian, you sound very caring! yes I agree with good natured banter, I even think it’s important between mates. I think this is more when it’s just a bit too insulting. Or as earthsight says…

They will look for any little anomaly, anything they can latch on to in order to belittle the other person and therefore feel superior. They really get off on that feeling and they will damage people who are supposed to be close to them in order to feel it. You feel small and patronised in their company and you'll often hear a little laugh or look they reserve for people when they want to put someone down.

Which I think is what’s going on here. I do think I’m coming across as wet. Time to stop that!
thefoundations thanks. I will practice. I guess it’s all a learning curve. Someone was nagging me on the phone and I said,’no! I can’t do it and that’s that’ and friend raised eyebrows because I’d done it too harshly.
Guess I need more practice!

There's also sometimes subconscious messages you may put out yourself that you are not aware of that draw bullies to you. I new a woman before who constantly bemoaned how everyone in every situation she ever entered bullied her. It turned out people didn't actually like her from the get go because it was her who was putting people down and bullying them and they were just responding to her own hostility by having a dig back. She was oblivious of course and continued to be a victim.

Oh crap, I hope that’s not what I’m doing! I think I’m being too wet. I imagine myself in the background. I once had hypnosis and it felt amazing- to be in the foreground and comfortable and not cowering away inside. Goodness me, what’s going on? I’ve become a total wet blanket.

Oh I'm not saying the lady I knew was the same, but it may be worth looking at in therapy if you are giving away any unconscious signals that might be making the wrong people gravitate towards you because it can happen. Awareness of anything you may unwittingly be signalling outwardly is a powerful tool.

I once had hypnosis and it felt amazing- to be in the foreground and comfortable and not cowering away inside

Be in you own foreground. Be the focus of your attention. Do everything you can to make you happy, every minute. People will come and go, and you will be best placed to treat them with the respect they deserve if you know what you're about: i.e. you know what you like/don't like/what you enjoy/don't enjoy.

Even if you were giving out subconscious 'bully me' signals, it doesn't matter, does it, if you immediately walk away from anybody who bullies you.

Thanks the foundations. I just met some people who were so negative in how they viewed life and some others who were celebrating every minute. It made me realise I was getting into a habit of being negative. And it’s really not good. Or climbing aboard the tragedy bus ( great phrase) so your comments…

Be in you own foreground. Be the focus of your attention. Do everything you can to make you happy, every minute. People will come and go, and you will be best placed to treat them with the respect they deserve if you know what you're about: i.e. you know what you like/don't like/what you enjoy/don't enjoy

Have come at just the right time to reinforce that observation. Thank you. Gosh you mns are amazing. You can discuss stuff on here that you’d never broach in rl. And get such helpful views too. Thanks a lot everyone. Really lots to learn here.