Knowing it's over

[Estherpologist]

Ignoring things like infidelity, abuse and deceit, how did you know your marriage was over? If it just got to the point where the marriage wasn't going to be fixable, what was it that made you realise that?

I hope no one minds if I don't explain about my own situation, suffice to say that, from where I'm sitting, it sucks. I think there are too many factors to try to put in one thread, and without the full picture, I don't think it's fair to ask anyone to have an opinion on what has happened / should happen.

I just feel the need to know what the tipping point has been for others, so I can try to use that as context and look at my own thinking objectively.

Not being able to imagine a future with them where I could be happy or at peace. Not growing old together.

When sharing the same air as them makes you cringe.

You don't have to hate your partner. Another tipping point is when you would be just fine never sleeping or touching them ever again.

Because then at the very most you have a friendship.
And that friendship can continue without the relationship, so you might not lose as much as you think after all.

When I started to dread him coming home on the weekend as I knew as soon as he got out the car, he would be in a foul mood and would take it out on me for the next two days. Living apart during the week, you would think he would look forward to his weekends but it was like this house was just a place for him to come back to, drink, play his PlayStation and have me run around after his every want and need.

For me it would be living in an unequal relationship. One where, as another poster has said, there was dread in hearing him come home. One where there was fear. One where there was no humour, no caring, no trust or respect.

There was abuse although I'd argue it makes separation harder not easier. I didn't want to divorce until there was no other choice. And even then, I was still two minds. I found a book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay very helpful in articulating what I knew deep down anyway.

Thanks all.
@aLittleL1fe I shall look for that. The title sounds spot on.

When I worked out what I wanted from the rest of my life and it wasn't what he wanted too. Time to wind up the partnership, friendship remains

For me it was when he went away for a week, to stay with a female friend who I suspected he would shag, and I felt nothing but relief that I didn't have to put up with his bullshit for 7 glorious days.

It's been coming for years and I never seem to reach that breaking point, I just brush it all aside. But something hit me on saturday morning - it was just me and the kids in the house, he was out at the shop or something, and we turned the telly on but there was no sound. I tried a few things, nothing seemed to fix it. Then I started to sweat at the thought he would be back soon and would make such a panicky fuss about it, blame me for cleaning around the cables at the back or something, and I just thought christ I don't want to feel like this anymore.

When my dad my dying of cancer and my partner at the time was asking why I was spending so much time with my parents,
I just looked at her and thought “what the fuck is wrong with you”, and that was that.

@JustAnother0ldMan. That is truly horrible- what a hard nosed woman .

When there was 10 days when there was a possibility I might be pregnant. Completely unplanned (although we had talked about it happening at some point in the distant future, but only in a "I'd like kids one day" level of conversation).

I was struggling trying to get my head around the potentially massive change and worrying about what I would do if it was positive. My exdp never asked how I was, what I was thinking, or whether i was ok, once. When I told him (after about a week of worrying) I was struggling, he told me I was overdramatic and it didn't really matter either way.

At that point, I just saw a future of having to struggle through difficult times on my own, without his support. It wasn't just his crap response, it was also the fact that it took me a week to build up to talking to him about it. I had been conditioned to not talk about difficult subjects with him. I don't want a relationship like that. We split up a few weeks later, and I'm sure he still thinks I'm ridiculous.

@Crikeyalmighty
She could be the nicest person in the world sometimes, but other times just fucking brutal.