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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Iv been played haven't I? :(

25 replies

Whysitalwaysme · 16/09/2021 08:47

Name change here i feel embarrassed and shit with myself.

Split with my ex around 6 months ago after a 2 year on off situation. We was still in contact sporadically. Last week he contacts me again and was saying how much he was missing me, hates that were not together etc I do still have strong feelings for him and I think he knows this.

Tuesday afternoon were chatting and he says he's finished work early for the day and thatd itd be nice to see me and feel close again (we'd both been talking about how we missed that aspect of eachother) I wasn't sure if he was serious or not about me going around, he said he was and after some debating I went.. all was fine he was caring towards me made me feel welcome etc I left and all was fine.
Yesterday afternoon we was messaging each other general chat and having a laugh, id teased him about being a spoilsprt for not wanting to paint his garage door a certain way.. he just replied a "sorry" ...I left it there then went and made myself dinner cleared up etc a couple hours later I msg and He didn't reply for a couple hours after that saying he fell asleep.. bif of chit chat all fine.. then spoke about an event we'd like to go to then both realised it was a Saturday and we couldn't.. a bit of a pause on the messaging and then about 25 mins later he says night.. i said night and then he just come at me accusing me of not wantinf to speak to him that i wasnt bothering about replying to him etc.. I tried to defend myself and pointed out that all he said was "sorry" and that hed fell asleep anyway. He was having none of it and was saying this was all me and i couldn't go "a day with out starting" making out it was me with the problem. When I pointed out I had no problem he still insisted that I was the one that started shit and said was I "fucking stupid?".. I was getting upset and he then started to keep calling which I declined and I messaged saying that I was upset and not answering and going to sleep. He then blocked me on everything!!! I got a few text messages after saying I was a head fuck and that id used him etc.

I woke this morning to still being blocked and feel like absolute shit. I know I only have myself to blame. But iv been used haven't I? Iv never ever had this happen to me before. I don't even know what I'm asking here I just need to get it off my chest and have people tell me I was stupid. I cant talk to anyone in RL about this I feel far too ashamed :(

OP posts:

RestingPandaFace · 16/09/2021 08:54

Did you enjoy the sex? If so try and reframe it in your head as you had a great past shag and now he’s reminded you what an immature he is so that you can move on happily.

The minute he unblocks you (and he will) block him and have no further contact.

Great sex shame he’s a dickhead.

Dillydollydingdong · 16/09/2021 08:54

I don't think you've been actually "used". I think he's probably got mh problems, and you'd be best to stay away from him. If he's like this now, what's he going to be like later. You've already had 2 years in an on/off situation. It's never going to get any better because he's a nut job.

SarahBellam · 16/09/2021 08:57

Agree - block him. He’s a Manipulative shit. Nobody needs that much drama.

THisbackwithavengeance · 16/09/2021 09:00

You haven't been used.

You had a relationship which didn't work out and the guy turned out to be hard work and a dick.

It's sad but better you know now rather than in another 2 years time.

Popetthetreehugger · 16/09/2021 09:04

When people tell you who they are listen! You have dodged a bullet … you had a nice few hours , draw a line . There are good blokes to have good sex with , you don’t need this wanker ! Chalk it up to experience. Today’s another day 💐

SirYawnsAlot · 16/09/2021 09:18

Sometimes it does you good to get a reminder of what people are like and why you split up. He's done you a favour by blocking you. Time to move on.

MsHedgehog · 16/09/2021 09:21

You haven’t been used. It is very possible that he meant what he said, especially considering you were together for two years. I suspect he realised getting back together is not a good idea so he started a fight rather than being mature about it and saying that.

girlmom21 · 16/09/2021 09:21

You haven't been used - you just had some shit communication with a man you know you shouldn't be with.

At least now you know that separating was the best decision.

Original poster

Whysitalwaysme · 16/09/2021 09:45

Thank you all for replying

I can't help but feel really shit about feeling used. I just can't get my head around him wanting to be with me, switching on me out of nothing and then blocking me.

I dont know even know if iv done anything wrong

One of his last text messages in the night was saying how "it was nice to know someone else has been turning you on enough to go buy new toys" .. while we were apart if bought one as I had no intention of meeting anyone else and I told him I had to which he initially thought was "awesome" .. to then have that chucked at me too.. what the hell? :(

OP posts:

RelapsedChocoholic · 16/09/2021 09:58

He sounds like he has some very serious issues, whether they are mental health related or he’s just a generally unpleasant person who knows

You’ve got no reason to feel bad about yourself, you’ve done nothing wrong- I don’t think you’ve been used though, personally, just lucky to have found out fairly quickly that he’s not a person you want to be around.

Walkingalot · 16/09/2021 10:02

You've done nothing wrong. He really isn't worth the head space. He's blocked you so block him back so you don't get drawn into this charade again. It's a typical, 'it's not you, it's him'. You'll probably never know what his agenda was. Move on, find new interests, occupy your mind and he'll soon be just a 'what the fuck was that about' memory.

ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 17/09/2021 00:15

He sounds mentally unwell.

Ninkanink · 17/09/2021 00:20

Well I’d be taking this as confirmation that he’s an ex for very good reason! Hang on to that next time he tries to reel you in.

ChargingBuck · 17/09/2021 00:31

You haven't been played.
You've dodged a bullet from either a very unwell, or a very manipulative & unpleasant man.

Congratulations! - you've done nothing wrong, & have nothing to feel shit about.

SunscreenCentral · 17/09/2021 00:38

Omg @Whysitalwaysme it hurts right now but you'll look back one day and celebrate that you didn't get dragged back into the shit-filled mire that could have been your life for many years.
Isn't it great that he showed his arse to you, and now you can kick it by blocking and deleting on every contact platform.
You'll meet someone much better, or be happy by yourself- whatever suits you!

Don't be disheartened. x

cha027 · 17/09/2021 00:48

Hey sounds like he's manipulating you. I am going through simular with my ex who I silly started talking to again so I understand. U deserve better. My ex called me disgusting and stuff for going on a night with family out 2 weeks after we split, called me stupid and the story goes on... . Apparently everything that goes on is always my fault. So I get it. Hope your okay tho! Your better off without. Deffo sounds like he has mental health which he needs help for maybe.

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 17/09/2021 00:56

I think you have shared too much with him, he doesn’t need to know about you buying new toys etc, you are not together anymore for a reason. He genuinely sounds a bit unhinged.
He was trying to see how the land lies re FWB situation I’d guess.
He will unblock you, these game playing types always do. The second you see he has, do yourself a favour and block him and move on with your life, or you will be doing this nonsense for months, if not years to come.

ChargingBuck · 17/09/2021 01:02

He will unblock you, these game playing types always do. The second you see he has, do yourself a favour and block him and move on with your life, or you will be doing this nonsense for months, if not years to come.

Totally this.

Also, that your toys are none of his business.
You don't owe ANY man a breakdown of your private sexual desires. You don't need to account for them, justify them, or submit them to him for approval.

It is desperately creepy that he thinks he gets any say over what you do with your own body FFS.

I bet he'll be texting again soon. Block him, & never engage with him again, on any platform, for any reason.

Nogardenersworld · 17/09/2021 01:03

Oh my god who can be bothered

It’s been on and off for 2 years
Which suggests it’s not the strongest or healthiest relationship
Now he’s creating absolute drama

I dunno how you’ve got the energy to even care what he thinks
What’s even the point in this relationship as it currently stands
You’re not together, but you still get to argue and be spoken to terribly, and go through the turmoil of breaking up over and over?

Just move on

Think of the great sex (if it was)
And start a new chapter, that he’s not in.

groovergirl · 17/09/2021 01:10

Great sex, shame he’s a dickhead.

This. Smile and send him on his way.

altmember · 17/09/2021 01:24

He sounds like he has a large dose of crazy (or at least is immature, needy, insecure). Is this a rerun of how your on-off relationship was?

category12 · 17/09/2021 06:21

Sounds like he created a fight put of nowhere in order to have an excuse to block you and have a drama.

I reckon he's shagging someone else or trying to, and this is a handy way of being free to do so. Then if it doesn't pan out or it's a one time thing, he'll get back in touch and expect you to be so desperate to have him back you'll apologise for your wrongdoing and accept whatever shit.

There's a reason your relationship has been on and off, and it's not a grand love affair where you can't stay apart, it's that it's unhealthy and toxic and you're probably being manipulated.

GrandmasCat · 17/09/2021 06:35

You shouldn’t feel like that. Why is it that we women are trained to put things right that we cannot even recognise such idiots do NOT need to be appeased or saved? The only reasonable thing to do in this case is to assume him an idiot and never engage with him again.

BlackberryMuncher · 17/09/2021 14:20

No, you haven't been used. You willingly had sex with an ex. Nothing to ashamed about either!! You're not the first & you won't be the last!

He's a head fuck, you're better off without him in your life!! He's pulling your strings, stop dancing to his tune!

& don't be daft about not seeing anyone else! You just have to sort the wheat from the chaff!!

Plan a good weekend with family/friends/solo... whatever makes you feel happy & relaxed! Don't keep checking your messages/his SM etc!!

layladomino · 17/09/2021 14:38

Of course you've said nothing wrong. If you had done something wrong I'm sure you'd know about it! He is messing with you and making you doubt yourself. These are warning signs not to go back to him.

Best to avoid the ongoing chat that you had before, and to draw a line and avoid him in future. He'll only keep you dangling and mess with your head.

Flip