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Original poster

Please help me deal with my in laws

8 replies

Waitinginmycar · 16/09/2021 01:33

I really need advice on how to cope with my in laws! They live in a different European country so we don't see them more than a few times per year. Nothing terribly wrong with them, I just cannot relax around any of them at all!

There is some backstory, there are a few pretty bad things which happened in the early days of my marriage to their son and brother (disrespectful comments made towards me and my family, they meddled in the financial side of our relationship, that sort of thing) , and I am admittedly struggling to put this behind me. They will never apologise so no hope of closure, I just have to move past this somehow. They are also quite self absorbed and never ask any questions, you need to do all the asking to move the conversation forwards. They show very little interest in their grandchildren which is so disappointing, as I wanted my children to have a great relationship to their grandparents (my parents have both passed away). They can also be quite judgmental and have criticised my parenting in front of me and my children on a number of occasions.

I know people who have it far worse with their in-laws than I. The problem is that I just go totally tense around them, I find their company weirdly stressful. I am just so so stressed and by now it's a negative spiral which I can't seem to break away from. I don't want to ruin Christmas or holidays for my children, they are old enough now to see that I am not myself when I'm with their grandparents and I have to talk myself out of this somehow.

So far I have tried the following to ease the tension:

  • busying myself with our children
  • trying to steer the conversation towards neutral topics
  • drink, I usually never have wine for lunch but I always do with them
  • retire to bed early so they get to catch up without me

What can I do? Any tips would be hugely helpful

OP posts:
NatriumChloride · 16/09/2021 01:49

Do you have to see them at all? I have a similarly tense relationship with some of my in laws and tend to just go low contact. Turn up, smile, comment on the weather and then busy yourself with kids or helping to lay or clear the table etc until it’s time to go. The best thing is to just avoid a visit in the first place but with a really good excuse - the appointment with a specialist Consultant in a hospital 20 miles away which you’ve been waiting for for 18 months, or your best friend’s milestone birthday…

RonaldMcDonald · 16/09/2021 01:52

Speak to a therapist, get it all out and maybe examine your part in things too.
Accept them for the GPS they are and not the ones sadly lost.
Mourn the loss of that too.

Giving space, expecting little and biting my tongue helped hugely until I found my feet and the strength to be me, say my piece be as odd as they were.
We all have expectations and mismatch is normal
I realised I hadn’t married his family and their oddness was somewhat hidden until the deal was struck.
Over time I grew to truly love my MIL and FIL and unfortunately they then died, which caused me so much distress at the time I had wasted pointlessly

timeisnotaline · 16/09/2021 01:52

Isn’t there some book called the life changing magic of not giving a fuck? Sounds like it could be a good read for you!

Original poster
Waitinginmycar · 21/09/2021 22:41

@NatriumChloride

Do you have to see them at all? I have a similarly tense relationship with some of my in laws and tend to just go low contact. Turn up, smile, comment on the weather and then busy yourself with kids or helping to lay or clear the table etc until it’s time to go. The best thing is to just avoid a visit in the first place but with a really good excuse - the appointment with a specialist Consultant in a hospital 20 miles away which you’ve been waiting for for 18 months, or your best friend’s milestone birthday…
We are pretty low contact as it is, given that they live in a different country... we only see them a handful of times per year. I wish I could enjoy sending time with them, for the sake if my children, as I want them to have a good relationship with their grandparents
OP posts:
Original poster
Waitinginmycar · 21/09/2021 22:41

@timeisnotaline

Isn’t there some book called the life changing magic of not giving a fuck? Sounds like it could be a good read for you!
Thanks, I will definitely have a look!
OP posts:
Original poster
Waitinginmycar · 21/09/2021 22:48

@RonaldMcDonald

Speak to a therapist, get it all out and maybe examine your part in things too. Accept them for the GPS they are and not the ones sadly lost. Mourn the loss of that too.

Giving space, expecting little and biting my tongue helped hugely until I found my feet and the strength to be me, say my piece be as odd as they were.
We all have expectations and mismatch is normal
I realised I hadn’t married his family and their oddness was somewhat hidden until the deal was struck.
Over time I grew to truly love my MIL and FIL and unfortunately they then died, which caused me so much distress at the time I had wasted pointlessly

This all makes sense. I think the issue is that when we do see them, we spend 24/7 with them as we visit them abroad and stay with them. It gets a bit intense. I would happily take myself out for a couple of hours every now and then but my husband doesn't agree with this, we make some tiny excursion such as running an errand and he is stressing to get back asap

I wonder if part of my irritation comes from the way that my husband acts around them, he reverts to being their respectful son and is so eager to please them and to win their approval. I feel for him too, even if seeing him like this drives me up the wall.

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 22/09/2021 05:57

Oh, gawd. An errand counting as a holiday outing? That would drive me insane. I would be checking out everything that could be done within a two hour radius and be taking the kids and going out. Less time in the house means less time with the in-laws and it gives you conversation with the kids. DH can decide which part of the family he is going to share with.

It’s supposed to be your holiday too, right? It looks like you need to take matters into your own hands.

updownroundandround · 22/09/2021 06:38

You definitely need to get time away from them when visiting, and I'd be sorting out and organizing places to go/things to do etc every time i was visiting. Even if you go alone sometimes, it'll give you breathing space to be 'you'.

I'd also be trying very hard to get my H to see that you need this, by explaining how 'intense' staying in their house 24/7 is for you. Would he be comfortable staying with your parents 24/7 ? Hmm

You cannot change how your H 'changes' when he's with them, because we all regress a bit with our parents, but maybe you could explain to him how you see him change, and how he then 'prioritizes' his parents over you and your children ?

Hopefully, having some free time away from your PIL will give you the 'space' to be able to enjoy being there more.

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