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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help, my niece hates me!

24 replies

Lauramae1985 · 15/09/2021 22:45

Hi everyone, I have only just signed up to Mumsnet tonight as I really need some advice/help on this issue. Basically my niece who is 2 1/2 years old has taken a dislike to myself, I have no idea why as I always try and make so much effort with her. She gets so upset when she sees me and then will go to her Mum for comfort. She has recently been saying “Auntie scares me”. I am now wondering if it is my appearance? I know it sounds silly but it is really hurting me, as I want to build such a bond with her and have lovely memories. I feel bad for my sister too, cause whenever I meet up, I am upsetting her daughter. This has only been going on for the last 8 months before then she was always okay with me. I was even pulling up old vids and pics in my phone tonight of us playing/having fun together and it brought me to tears. Please if anyone can advise me on what to do here. Even if someone else has been in a similar situation? Many thanks xxx

OP posts:

Teacupsandtoast · 15/09/2021 22:51

She's 2. Like, don't stress. Just ignore her as much as you can (ie don't try to interact, don't approach her etc) and you'll soon find she's seeking you out

Original poster

Lauramae1985 · 15/09/2021 22:52

Thank you! I will def try this x

OP posts:

HeddaGarbled · 15/09/2021 22:52

She’s probably just going through a shy phase and you’re being too full on for her. Back off, smile and say hello but then leave her alone and chat to your sister. If she does approach you, be receptive but calmly low key.

I know it’s horrible but try not to worry too much. She’s only little.

Original poster

Lauramae1985 · 15/09/2021 22:53

Thank you v much. Yeah will definitely try that approach x

OP posts:

notHarris · 15/09/2021 22:58

Basically my niece who is 2 1/2 years old has taken a dislike to myself, I have no idea why as I always try and make so much effort with her

Toddlers are like cats, they like people who ignore them and are wary of people who try too hard. I'm guessing that you making an effort is a little bit too intense for her. How does her mum react? If she's also pushing her to be "nice" that could make her more worried.
Relax, chat to your sister, do the washing up..... let her potter about near you without trying to engage her.
Once she's reached the stage of pottering around comfortably you could pick up her toys or an interesting object and start fiddling with it by yourself...... at some point curiosity will get the better of her and she'll come for a better look.

Original poster

Lauramae1985 · 15/09/2021 23:04

Thank you for your advice! Yeah her Mum would tell her to be nice. I think the definitely just backing off will be the best thing and hopefully she will want to see her Auntie lol x

OP posts:

nimbuscloud · 15/09/2021 23:16

My ds was like this with my sister. Just accept it as a phase and it will pass

Original poster

Lauramae1985 · 15/09/2021 23:21

Thank you xx

OP posts:

BlueberrySugar · 16/09/2021 00:04

Yes don't worry. My DS who is 2 is really shy around people.

He will hide behind my legs. I just say 'he's a little bit shy but he'll be okay in a few minutes'. And after a few minutes he's adjusted and wants to mingle.

BlueberrySugar · 16/09/2021 00:04

But I don't make a fuss. I let him come out when he's ready. That's key, I think.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 16/09/2021 00:31

My DD2 did that at three years old. Took a sudden dislike to my aunt, would run and lock the back door when she saw her car drive up. Finally figured out that she was afraid of the lunch lady at nursery, who was a "sit still, be quiet, eat your lunch" type and had white hair. My aunt had the same solid white hair and DD2 reacted to that. DD2 moved from nursery to kindergarten and lost her fear of aunt.

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 16/09/2021 00:36

I would sit there ignoring her with a really silly hat on. Continuing to ignore her while doing a silly dance, singing her favourite song/playing hide and seek with her mum. You get the drift

DFOD · 16/09/2021 00:41

Is she possibly jealous of the attention her Mum gives you when you meet up?

urbanbuddha · 16/09/2021 00:48

You could also show the photos of your niece and yourself to your sister while your niece can hear and see if that interests her. If she wants.

Stilesandlydia · 16/09/2021 01:07

My cousins child suddenly became scared of my brother. If he just walked into the room he’d start creaming and crying. It went on for ages. He kept saying sad when he saw my brother. After a while he completely changed and you wouldn’t think for a minute he used to be scared.

TacCat49 · 16/09/2021 01:16

Is there something different about you? I have made children cry because I have brilliant red hair, dyed if course. Because my hair colour stands out and the poor kid has never seen other people who look like this they get a fright. It doesn't worry me because the kids will grow out of it. I was walking through an airport once and a 7 year old yelled at the top of her voice to her dad 'that lady has got red hair'. Precious.

TwooThirty · 16/09/2021 04:25

Ignore her but don’t be afraid of doing a little bit of OTT playing by yourself. If she sees you having fun she may wander over and join in.

KihoBebiluPute · 16/09/2021 05:12

Toddlers are irrational and that won't change. She doesn't hate you, she is spooked by something unexpected. It could be anything she isn't used to seeing on other adults - a big necklace or false eyelashes or strong perfume could be seeming scary to her, but whatever it is you don't necessarily have to change it. Any child currently 2.5years old is likely to have had a somewhat unusual experience of seeing people outside their immediate family due to covid restrictions so it may not even be particularly about you.

If I want to make friends with a toddler I take some books (you can get a selection of kids books from your library for free) and will make myself comfy and start reading aloud - without telling the child they should sit down or listen or telling them where to sit, i just sit and read as if I am doing it for myself not for them. They soon come over and cuddle up to look at the pictures as I read. Toddlers are like cats - you can't make them sit on your lap, you can't make them like you, but if they become used to you being around and being interesting then they start to trust you.

Marjoriedrawers · 16/09/2021 07:33

My niece was similar. She wouldn't let me touch her and would scowl at me if I dared to make eye contact. It was actually an in joke that she hated me but we laughed it off as contrariness. She grew out of it.

Motherofcats007 · 16/09/2021 08:50

Toddlers make no sense. My mum said I used to be terrified of my grandma because she was wrinkly and I just didn’t get why she was so wrinkly…. It’s not you, and hopefully she will grow out of it

notHarris · 16/09/2021 17:41

Also, not sure if it's possible for you but my niece (aged 2.5) really bonded with us all on a family weekend away. She was around us for an extended period of time but we were just doing our own thing a lot of the time rather than trying to cram lots of attention into a short amount of time. Could something like that work?

Iwantcollarbones · 16/09/2021 17:59

My niece hated me. From about a year old until she was three. She would totally avoid eye contact with me when we were in the same room, she would cry and run off if I ever tried to cuddle her and would hide behind other members of the family when I was around.
Now, when my dsis asks her who is her favourite person in the world, it’s me! Nobody knows why the sudden switch. Just one day, she decided I wasn’t so bad and actually, I’m pretty cool.
I think my advice would be be patient and don’t try to force it. It’s often a phase that they will grow out of.

frozendaisy · 16/09/2021 18:19

My best mate's daughter hated me when she was a toddler, quickly learnt not to stress or try at all.

Late teenage now thinks I'm great and visa versa.

As others have said, treat like cats.

Mulberry974 · 16/09/2021 21:34

My nephew went through a weird phase when he was about 2, was totally not bothered and ignored me. I always said hello and was the same friendly etc but I never pushed him to be affectionate or expected anything from him. In a few months he was sat on my lap chatting away and wanting huge again. Toddlers are downright strange!

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