I apologise in advance as I will ramble on slightly here, but I just feel like I need some independent advice and this seems like a good place.
To give some background, I have a 10yr old daughter from a previous relationship. I left that relationship when she was 4 due to issues with my ex. In short she was very self centred, controlling and cheated on meat which point I had had enough. It was the hardest decision to leave obviously but it was the right one as I didn't want my daughter growing up in an emotionally negative environment between her parents (which it had turned into).
Due to my parents splitting up when I was very young (which was very poorly handled by them both) I knew how I wanted to act and behave as a result. Things have been very amicable, and work well without the need for CSA involvement or custody agreements etc etc
A year or so later I met my current partner. She was kind, caring, considerate, we have similar interests and really enjoyed being together.
Her family were not overly supportive due to the fact that I already had a child and I found it very difficult to understand and deal with. My partner did support me, however I do feel that some of the things that were said to her have stuck in her mind as we developed our relationship.
My partner was always nice and welcoming to my daughter whenever she stayed. There was a degree of distance however (due to shift work I had to juggle having my daughter around my shifts, so a lot of the time I would have her whilst my partner was working), which wasn't a major issue as I got to spend a lot of alone time with my daughter which was great.
My partner is very close with her family. They are probably the closest family I have ever come across which has its pros and cons.
My partner did vocalise some of her worries for the future, discussing scenarios that may/may not occur. We discussed things numerous times, and always worked through any concerns. All i ever expressed was that my daughter wasn't left out of certain things.
I am very much the type that likes to deal with issues when they become an issue, and not think about things that may or may not happen.
Our lives continued without major issues to the point where we bought a house, got engaged and have had our first child together. It was important for me that my daughter felt included, and not left out due to having a baby. She loved having a little sibling, and being a big sister.
My partner did struggle a little with some things. A lot of people mentioned that the baby looked like my daughter which did upset my partner on some occasions. She did feel at times like it wasn't as special as I had been through this before, despite my reassurance that it was completely different due to how we feel about each other compared to previously.
Fast forward a couple of years to the current day.
Since having the baby my partner seems to have developed a slightly negative attitude towards my daughter. I understand that our baby would come first for her, but for me they are both equal.
I feel that my daughter is an after thought most of the time. I want to do things with just the three of us, and we do have time for that as I have my daughter every other weekend. However, as an example, things like family holidays (with her family), it feels like a battle to have my daughter invited.
Just to give some extra information, my daughter is a bit of an introvert. I suspect that she spends a lot of time at her mums house occupying herself. In one on one situations and whilst with other children she is quite bubbly, but when in smaller groups (ie just my partner and I) she can be vert vert quiet. I find it very difficult sometimes because she will give one word answers, or not really give much to work with.
She really likes my partner, she likes spending time with her, she always asks me how she is, and what shes been up to, how the baby is etc etc
But she is soooo quiet when she is actually with us. This doesn't help at all when my partner is being negative about certain things.
My partner wants a family unit, and sees the three of us as her unit. I clearly include my daughter in this, but it does feel like a real battle sometimes.
I have become increasingly defensive whenever my partner is negative, this causes arguments which I really don't want. I have tried talking to her calmly, explaining how I feel, and understanding how she feels.
I try so hard to arrange things to suit her, and meet the needs of my daughter spending time with me/us.
Any sort of advice/help would be much appreciated.
Again, apologies for the length of this, it probably doesn't make much sense, and there are lots of things that I've missed out but there we go.
Thanks in advance.