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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Abusive ex in a new relationship

27 replies

littleloopylou · 15/09/2021 21:04

He says that if only I would have been less demanding, more reasonable, more supportive, less stressy, he would have been nicer to me. I am too negative (true), too difficult (maybe?), too much in a victim mentality (maybe?).

In contrast, he is an optimistic person. He doesn't like stress. I dragged him down. If only I had been different, he would have been able to treat me better. And I wasn't sufficiently devoted to our child.

He is now dating someone else, and has gone full throttle enmeshing her in my 5 year old daughter's life. His girlfriend is a better mum because she doesn't work full time.

Is there any chance he will treat her better? Is it possible that I really am just shit and incapable of a happy relationship? It's true that i have imposter syndrome, I'm anxious, and I'm pessimistic.

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Sundayblues21 · 15/09/2021 21:08

If my recent experience with me and my recently separated husband tells me anything, it's that it is absolutely not you.
He says the same things to me.

You are better than that.
Someone else's opinion of you does not define your worth.
He makes you feel shit about yourself deliberately.
Chin up and keep moving on x

SarahBellam · 15/09/2021 21:17

Nope. It’s not you. It’s him. Why is he even bothering to tell you this stuff? To hurt you - that’s his only reason. He wants you to feel bad. He’s the kind of man who wants the mother of his child to feel shit. He’s a mangled arsehole of a man. Not worth a moment of your brain space.

Original poster
littleloopylou · 15/09/2021 21:18

It's SO HARD not to take it personally

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Original poster
littleloopylou · 15/09/2021 21:32

@SarahBellam well, i left him. He now has taken the position that he is an unfortunate man whose wife left him without giving the marriage a fair shot. If only I hadn't abandoned my family we could work things out, etc

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Original poster
littleloopylou · 15/09/2021 21:33

@Sundayblues21 thanks x

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Sundayblues21 · 15/09/2021 21:35

They all follow the same pattern it seems. I think it's so they can tell themselves they have no responsibility for the breakdown of the relationship and give themselves permission to move on swiftly to the next victim.

Regularsizedrudy · 15/09/2021 21:35

No no no no nooooooo!!!!!! His abuse of you is NOTHING to do with how you act or who you are. It is about who HE is. His new gf is in the honeymoon period, it will start with her too, poor woman. Just be glad you got away from the dickhead.

Choccy01 · 15/09/2021 21:40

Sounds like six of one and half a dozen of the other. If you were difficult to live with and left him you've got to shoulder your share of the blame.

Lena007 · 15/09/2021 21:51

You are anxious and pessimistic because you've spent too much, way too much time with him.

He wants you to be jelaous, intimidated, he wants to be able to do the pick me dance and show you what a 'prize' you have 'lost'.

The truth is he will carry on being abusive to other women, and the new one too. He will not treat her better but he would want you to have this impression and think that. It will be exactly the same behind closed doors.

Nothing was ever good enough for him and never will be. You sound lovely Op and I'm sure you are a great mum.

Leave him behind, he isn't your problem any more and his opinion doesn't mean anything, is worthless.

altmember · 15/09/2021 21:51

Well in all honesty, none of us know you IRL, and a couple of paragraphs with one side of the story isn't much to go on, so who knows.

What is important though, is that you need to get your head into a place where you don't give a fuck about it any more. It's all ancient history now, dwelling on it isn't going to help. Have you tried/considered some counseling?

When a relationship is breaking down, people can be bastards to each other. Just because he's presumably being nice to the new woman now doesn't mean he won't turn later. I mean he must've been nice to you in the early days too?

Theunamedcat · 15/09/2021 21:53

Being unhappy in a relationship is a reason to leave it doesn't make you a bad person

2catsandhappy · 15/09/2021 22:10

Very familiar script. My exh was still spouting(I was told) he wanted to talk blah blah, 10 years or more after I divorced him.

I would reply, yes he did want to talk, but it was too little too late for me.
Perhaps you could have an answer like that.

SleepingBunnies21 · 15/09/2021 22:19

You left him, you found his behaviour unreasonable, I doubt you did it lightly.

That is all.

What he says is irrelevant. It's hot air. He's the one someone found so unsuffersble they left him, even with a child involved.
He's the one trying to make excuses and blame you for his behaviour.

You don't need to give any ctedit to anything he has to say. Just because people say things; doesn't make them true.

It doesn't change anything, unfortunately you have zero control over how much contact he gives his new gf with your child etc. It's another example of his character (lack of) that he's doing that. Anyone decent would introduce very slowly and gradually after a long period of the relationship showing it was going to last.

Even if it lasts, it means nothing ... if MN teaches us anything, it's how much utter shote and abuse many women will take in a relationship from bastards and dickheads.

MrsSkylerWhite · 15/09/2021 22:23

No. She’ll be perfect until she isn’t then he’ll bear the hell out of her too.
They do not change. They get worse as they get older, too,
Look out for your daughter because when she starts answering back too she won’t be overlooked.

Original poster
littleloopylou · 15/09/2021 22:31

@MrsSkylerWhite he actually didn't beat me - just criticised literally everything I did and tried to dictate how I spent every moment of my life.

This is all true, i know it. It's so helpful to be reminded.

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Original poster
littleloopylou · 15/09/2021 22:32

Even if it lasts, it means nothing ... if MN teaches us anything, it's how much utter shote and abuse many women will take in a relationship from bastards and dickheads.

It's terrifying, isn't it.

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Original poster
littleloopylou · 15/09/2021 22:58

@2catsandhappy my ex is the same - still seems to wish we were together - but he can't seem to just be nice to me...

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Original poster
littleloopylou · 15/09/2021 23:19

@Theunamedcat thanks x

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Original poster
littleloopylou · 15/09/2021 23:21

@altmember yes, i have come to realise this after about two years of him keeping himself in my headspace. We now finally have settled matters between us and I have just taken measures to cut off all contact to the extent possible. Onward and upward!

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Original poster
littleloopylou · 15/09/2021 23:22

@Regularsizedrudy thanks - that helps

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Original poster
littleloopylou · 17/09/2021 08:51

Update in case anyone cares: I have cut off all contact with the ex to the extent possible, something that I should have done long ago due to the ex's constant subtle abuse and putdowns.

I can't stop him from having this woman mother my daughter, but it honestly was inevitable that he would dump his parenting responsibilities off onto some poor mug. He is good at pulling very nice people into his orbit, so I have decided to be grateful that my daughter has at least one (hopefully) responsible and kind adult to take care of her when she is with him.

Onward and upward!

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GrandmasCat · 17/09/2021 09:11

Honestly, put it behind you. My ex was the same comparing me to the new partner but a lot of my “unacceptable behaviours” were down to being with him ie. he said I was anti social which is bollocks, I became antisocial because I lived on edge waiting to see what he would say or do that would offend other people. He said I was lazy and not good at my job but… I was the main earner when we met, I was not able to work at the same level after getting married because we were following his career dreams (big relocations) and his being totally unreliable as a co parent. He said she was such a good mother but… she was not doing much mothering at all. her kid was being literally brought up by her parents as she was too busy working during the week and partying on the weekends. I didn’t have that support, she didn’t have a disabled kid either.

As soon as I was out of the marriage, I went back to my social, happy, hardworking self. At some point I was happy the new woman came along as, with a child, I thought my son had a better chance to eat on time (or eat at all)

Just ignore him and thank your lucky stars he is not putting you down all the time anymore, but also look into yourself, as you need to heal yourself from the damage he inflicted to rebuild your life in a nice way.

Whatever you do, don’t see yourself as a victim, it disempowers you.

GrandmasCat · 17/09/2021 09:14

Oops, crossposted. Great that you are moving on. Just one thing:

Limit his interactions with him but keep talking when it comes to your DD. If you cut contact altogether your kid becomes the messenger and that is so damaging for the children social services classes it as child abuse.

Sparklfairy · 17/09/2021 09:17

Yes, he will treat her better. As long as she falls in line.

I was in the same boat last year and it made me sick to see them so loved up. But I know its because she's doing what he wants when he wants and if she ever pushes back then the mask will slip.

Original poster
littleloopylou · 17/09/2021 09:33

@GrandmasCat good point. I have made it clear that we can communicate about functional things. I want to leave my daughter out of our troubles

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