My friend didnt invite me ti her wedding

[Huddersfieldlass]

Hi ya

My son died in 2018 and since then my friend and i havent been as close as we once were. Shes found it hard to cope with my grief whenever i tried to express my sadness she always looked to 'fix' me, when all i needed was her to listen. We drifted apart since then and covid world hasnt helped. Ive since gone on to have another son in jan 2020. I invited her to my baby shower and tried to reach out to her a few times over last year for meets up in the park but she would cancel at the last minute. I got engaged in october 2020 and she annoinced on FB her engagement a few months later. I messaged her to say congrats although she hadnt contacted me about mine. Again tried tk make plans with her that just seemed to fall through but could see she was meeting up with other friends and her child minder lived at the top of our street but she still didnt call round even to say hi. I returned to work from mat leave in march 2021. Out of the blue she messagrd me in May to say she was making plans for the wedding for September but that it would be a small do and giving me the feeling that we were invited which i accepted as we were then. But tried again to make plans with her that fell through. Then she started posting excitement about wedding statuss i didnt realise how hurt i would feel about the whole thing till i saw it in black and white. Then suddenly this weekend pics appeared of her hen do on saturday night i was shocked. I obvs knew it was coming but to see she hadnt even asked me hurt a lot. I thought i would be gracious and said have a great wedding to her and wished her well. She then said she had been meaning to ask us but had forgot and she can ask more not but i said no just felt like an after thought or we were filling up numbers for her. I just dont know if im doing the right thing. I want a friendship with her but it hurts that shes invited me like this when we well i thought we were really close up to the point of my sons death. Now i dont think were anything to each other..i feel like im doing the right thing not going to the wedding, but dont want to be petty either but the relationship just feels so one sided since he died. I just dont have the energy for this any more ive tried and tried to help get things back on track but its not working. Anyone have any advice ?

I’m sorry love. I have no idea whether it’s linked to your son (and I’m so sorry about his death), but she isn’t and doesn’t want to be a close friend of yours. I think you need to let yourself drift away.

. There isnt really much you can do under the circumstances. I would let it go. She has failed you when you really needed her and it is appaling behaviour from a supposed friend. You deserve so much better.
So v sorry about the loss of your boy Huddersfieldlass. X

I'm so very sorry to hear about the loss of your son OP. I wish I could say otherwise, but it sounds like this friendship is over. Who knows why? People are complicated.
Take care of yourself.

She wouldn't be there for you when you needed her the most
She is not your friend

Yeah thanks I know this, just helps to hear objective views. She did come to my baby shower.. in dec 2019 but really since then we havent had hardly any contact. From speaking every other day to how it is now. Even after my son was born in jan 2020 she was hardly in touch with me. We have been on holiday together, in and out of each others houses for tea and nights out for years, went to the christenings of our kids etc but its like this now. she found it hard when my son died she has two young kids of her own so i think it was just hard to shoulder my grief, to be honest it was hard for me to cope with my own grief for an awful long time. It is only over last 6 months or so ive got to a point were im coping a lot better and im in a better place. But yeah i feel like i did the right thing based on what youve said as well saying no to the last min wedding invite but do wish her well.x

Thanks for your comments ladies helps to get some perspective. Xxx

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son, OP. You are doing the right thing by letting this friendship go. It's sad but this woman didn't have what it takes to be a 'friend in need' to you. It's a failure on her part for whatever reason - selfishness? discomfort? immaturity? - and probably something she won't want to acknowledge. So I'm guessing that now you're a reminder of her own inadequacy. You're not being petty, you've wished her well and there's little more to be said. You sound lovely and you will make better friends. I'd not waste any more time on her sadly.

This is sad for you op, I'm sorry.

It sounds like you haven't been close friends for 3 years or so now, and unfortunately it appears that she doesn't want to pick up the friendship.

I'm not sure there's much you can do.

Were you very close right up until you lost your son?

Sorry for the loss of your son. I cannot see why it would have led to the breakdown of the friendship, but for whatever reason, she seems to have distanced herself. I think you need to stop trying to engage and you definitely did the correct thing in turning down the invitation. I have to wonder if she had a couple of refusals and was making up numbers, so yes, good call on your part.

Well hard to say now based on where were at now. I always thought we were, but maybe not so much. I think this relates to my sons funeral my partner found it very very hard to cope with his funeral and just wanted a small funeral we literally just had immediate family there no one else. She presumed she would be invited, i dont think shes ever got over that. I get it, but we were such an utter mess at the time both of us we really werent thinking about anyone else other then each other and if my partner said thats what he needed that was enough for me. But who knows like some have said whats up, i guess its just one of those things I have to accept. Losing a child time just comes to a total stop, your life falls apart and i put on loads of weight and was very down.. but you wake up one day and think what happened to me. Ive tried since then to rebuild my life, physically and mentally and had our beautiful baby boy. A part of me wants that old friendship to stay with me on this path, it feels like a reminder of a time thats gone now. but maybe its right it falls away. Ive been through worst things and its just a part of coping with the grief of his death rebuilding ourselves again..thanks everyone though it helps to talk through xxx

I'm sorry for the loss to your son OP. It is difficult to see what your friend's issue is but in my experience (I lost my daughter in 2019) some people don't know how to handle grief and don't know what to say. Other people are what I would call fairweather friends and stay away from people when they are having a tough time.

When I lost my DD I lost a few friends. It ultimately didn't matter what their issues were. There were a couple of close friends who weren't supportive (seemed to avoid me). One of them stepped up and we are closer than ever. The other still didn't make an effort despite her reasoning for staying away being that she was giving me space by and me telling her I appreciate my friends around me and so I don't speak to her any more and she hasn't tried to contact me at all.

She made your son's funeral about her. That's not good. That's at best unaware and at worst selfish and narcissistic.

You've been through hell OP. And allowed yourself to grow again and live again. I really admire that. Let the friendship go - it's just more pain, she's someone who can't see what's right and what's needed.
Best wishes and hugs.

The thing is I don't think I could now be friends with those people who were not there for me when I lost my daughter. It's not like I was emotionally demanding or crying on their shoulders or anything but it wouldn't have taken much for a text or occasional invite to meet.

Please don’t blame yourself or your grief for losing her, she is not a loss.

Bunnythefriendlydragon so sorry to read about your daughters death. Its so tough the impact feels never ending. Last thing you expect is for friendships to fall apart as well but that is the reality following the loss of a child. As you say some step up and some you expect will be there the whole way dont even make it to send a text. Get that i think it would be very hard now as well theres a barrier between us.
Thanks everyone this has helped a lot. I think its me trying to hold on to my past to be honest our life before his death, i want to have that carefree person back but i guess im changed now for the good and bad and have to accept that as much as anyone else. Life has better things in store for me Im sure..

Something like that changes you and your nice bit you know what, I don't miss those so called friends who couldnt be good friends at a really difficult time.

and your life I meant to say

It can help to speak to people who have had similar experiences through support groups

@BunnytheFriendlyDragon

I'm sorry for the loss to your son OP. It is difficult to see what your friend's issue is but in my experience (I lost my daughter in 2019) some people don't know how to handle grief and don't know what to say. Other people are what I would call fairweather friends and stay away from people when they are having a tough time.

When I lost my DD I lost a few friends. It ultimately didn't matter what their issues were. There were a couple of close friends who weren't supportive (seemed to avoid me). One of them stepped up and we are closer than ever. The other still didn't make an effort despite her reasoning for staying away being that she was giving me space by and me telling her I appreciate my friends around me and so I don't speak to her any more and she hasn't tried to contact me at all.

I echo this. I lost my first little boy in 2018 and lost a few 'friends' that were unable (too immature / too selfish i narrowed it down to) to deal with my loss and consider my feelings. As sad as it is, move on and focus on those friends around you that give you joy and love.